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Lets go

by 2Stareyes


I feel really stupid posting this, Please Review!

Ummm

“I…. I can’t,” she gasped as she dripped with sweat.

“Breath, Breath, come on,” her instructor said.

“I….”

“YOU can!” he yelled.







A year before.

The dawn had hardly started when 13 year old Arv’en rolled out of bed and started to change. She moved quietly so she would not wake her little sister, Kateest, after she buckled the Tauntaun fur boots, she loved, she ran for the door of their small hut. She loved to run in the dawn, she knew she had only 1 or 2 hours to herself and needed to use them wisely. She reached the first sand dun, and stopped to fight her way up, then slide down the other side, as she ran, her legs churned smashing the ground and letting her leap and speed up the next dun. Then she jumped and fell with a smacking sound, she rolled onto her back and moaned, “Owww,” then she slowly got up and started back to the house, she hated living here on Coruscant. The Varactyls were needing to be let out, and their chirrups would wake the house if she left them. As she reached their pen, unlatched the gate and chased them out, her little sister, Kateest, came out of the house rubbing her eyes,

“Where have you been!!!” she screamed.

“I’m sorry, I was taking a walk,” Arv’en said but then she looked down at her outfit and sighed, it was full of sand…. again.

Out of the hut came their mother Thessa, “Where have you been?!” and why did you let the Varactyls out! You know today is sale day!” Thessa stormed.

“Mom I’m sorry, please, I will round them up, calm down,” with that she gave a sharp whistle and they ran into their pen, then she went and locked the door, “Done, mom.”

Kateest sighed, “You need to change, the officials will be here soon,” then she turned and entered the hut again.

Arv’en followed her and said, “I’m sorry Kateest, I just, It called me again,” she changed into the only good clothes she had left and put on new Bantha hide sandals. They were much thinner than her boots and she liked them. Both the girls both jumped when there was a knock on the door.

“Girls, come quick,” Thessa called. They ran for the door and reached it as it opened to reveal two strangers in long brown robes with two shorter strangers behind them.

One of the tall strangers said, “Hello, I am Master Keno, and,” pointing to a smaller robed figure, “This is my apprentice, Lucaus Lanfay,”

Lucaus did not wave but kept his eyes on his Master.

The other stranger said, “I am Master Joasea and this is my apprentice, Jasper Linrook,” Jasper waved.

“I am here to buy Varactyls. Do you have any for sale?’ Master Keno said.

Thessa turned to Arv’en, “Take him to see them.”

Arv’en said “Please follow me Masters,” and she walked out of the hut and toward the pen.

A hand on her shoulder stopped her, “Please, Miss?”

“I am Arv’en, and I am not a miss, Master.”

Master Keno made a sign to the others to keep moving. “How old are you?”

“13,” Arv’en said.

“What do you do in your free time,” he said with a puzzled look on his face.

“Nothing, I mean I don’t get free time,” she tried to walk down to the pens but he had his hand on her shoulder and stopped her.

“Don’t lie.”

“If I wake at the beginning of dawn then…”

“Then what?”

“I go out and run and train!”

“Train for what,” he looked at her so intensely she could not lie.

“I want to be a Jedi,” she said in one long rush.

He chuckled, “Then why are you here?”

“What do you mean, I have to live here,” she said and started running down the hill then at then when she reached the bottom she jumped and flew onto one of the Varactyals.

Master Keno smiled and nodded. He whispered, “Her? I see,” and he walked down to the pens to talk with Master Joasea.

Kateest came out of the house and started to talk to Jasper and Lucaus, while Master Keno and Master Joasea walked a little ways away and started to talk

“What do you think of this place, Master Joasea?”

“I’m not sure, what do you think?”

“That girl,” pointing to Arv’en, “Is special, what do you think?” Master Keno spoke softly looking at Arv’en.

“No, Maybe,” he sighed, “How… how would we not have felt her?” Master Joasea looked down. He was getting older and becoming less sensitive.

Master Keno turned and called for the padawans.

“Coming, Master,” they answered together and started to run to their masters when they felt someone pass them and beat them to the Masters,

Arv’en gasped, “I’m here Masters,” she bowed and waited for the boys to catch up.

Master Keno smiled and said “Boys you must hurry.” the boys were panting and gasping by the time they reached the Masters.

Lucaus was mad “You cheated girl, I will race you again,” as he said this he reached for his lightsaber but when he did Arv’en launched onto him, and subdued him long enough to get his lightsaber from him and give it to his Master. Then she stood up and reached to help him up as well, but he jerked away from her and stood up on his own.

She walked down to the pens and whistled loud and clear the gates burst open and out came the Varactyals running in every direction.

“Now Lucaus get them back in their pen without touching them,” Arv’en smiled.

Lucaus tried and got one of them in the pen but he couldn’t keep it there.

Arv’en whistled and they ran for the pen, they got inside and waited for the door to be closed. Arv’en stared at the door and suddenly it closed. She screamed and fell over, she expected to feel the pain of hitting the ground, but instead she was hovering above the ground, she panicked and fell to the ground with an, “oof!” she struggled to her feet and looked down in embarrassment, “Master Keno, Master Joasea, please forgive me.”

“All is well, please excuse us,” Master Joasea said and he as well as Master Keno walked toward the hut.

“Lucaus, I’m sorry,” Arv’en said

“It’s fine I’m sorry, I acted like an idiot.” Lucaus looked down.

“No its fine,” Arv’en stuck out her hand.

Lucaus shook her hand.

Then They both jumped

“NOOO!!!! YOU CAN’T TAKE HER!! SHE IS MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!” Thessa screamed.

“Mom!!” Arv’en cried, she tried to run but Lucaus and Jasper held her down, “No no no,” she tried to fight but they were too strong, she collapsed sobbing.

“Shhh,” Lucaus said to calm her.

“Get off me,” she screamed and turning she started to fight them, she kicked Jasper in the gut and he fell back gasping. Lucaus said “If I let you get up you can’t go to the house, Deal?”

She nodded and he got off her.

“Where would they take me?” Arv’en asked in a shaky voice (she had stopped crying a while ago).

Then Thessa came out of the house, followed by the Masters. They walked toward the children, talking all the while. When they reached the kids, Thessa started to talk, “Take them both, please, this is no life for them,” she walked to Kateest and Arv’en, “Children you will go with Master Keno and Master Joasea,” she was crying softly.

“Mom I don’t want to,” Kateest said in a sad voice.

Master Keno knew that prolonging the goodbyes just made them hurt more, “Lets go children, Lucaus, Jasper, help me.”

Jasper grabbed Kateest’s shoulders, and Lucaus grabbed Arv’en’s shoulders and started to pull them away when Kateest broke free and started to scream, “MOMMMMM, PLEASE!” as Master Joasea grabbed her and pulled her away.

Thessa started to cry, “I love you, I love you both so so much.”

As the girls were pulled away Thessa kept crying.

At the temple the girls were assigned rooms, Each room was very small, with room for one bed mat one desk and one bookcase, and given clothes, Kateest put up a big fight about the rough material. Arv’en, in her room sitting on the bed sighed, “Lucaus, can you come here?”

“Coming,” a boy’s voice came from down the hall.

The door opened and in came, Jasper, not Lucaus.

“Where is Lucaus?” Arv’en asked.

“He is in the trials-”

“What trials, he? He? He is where?,” Arv’en said in a puzzled voice.

“To make him a Jedi knight,” Jasper said.

“Why?”

“So that Master Keno can train you. Why else? We all have Masters,” Jasper said chuckling.

“What?” Arv’en snapped.

“You are clueless, don’t you see, Master Keno can’t have you as his padawan till Lucaus is a knight.”

“Oh will you give me the book from Master Keno, I need to read it before tomorrow,” Arv’en said.

Jasper passed her the Jedi book and left her in her room.

Arv’en started to read the book, about an hour later, someone knocked on the door.

“Arv’en may I come in?” Master Keno’s voice came through the door.

Arv’en, set down the book, jumped up and went to the door, “Yes, please come in Master.”

Master Keno entered the room and sat on the only chair in the room, and motioned for Arv’en to sit on the bed mat.

Arv’en broke the silence, “Master, did Lucaus pass the trials?”

“Yes he did, in fact since I have such faith in him, I have an announcement, but first,” turning to look out the door, “Lucaus come here,” he turned back and placed his gaze on her face, when Lucaus came into the room Master Keno started speaking, “Arv’en and Lucaus, this morning I had a brilliant idea, Arv’en you will be Lucaus’s Padawan.”

Lucaus said, “No, No. No. No!!!!”

“Master are you sure?” Arv’en asked hesitantly.

“Yes I am, Arv’en. Lucaus, please trust me. It is for the best, you are both rough and needing to be taught, Lucaus she will teach you to look out for others and to be patient. And Arv’en he will show you everything you need to learn to be a Jedi knight. Please trust me!” he finished with a gusty sigh.

“Y Yes Master,” Arv’en said in a shaky voice.

“No I will not agree, I don’t want a Padawan! And Not her!!” Lucaus stormed.

Arv’en went unnoticed as she slipped out the door, hearing their argument. She slipped through the corridor to Kateest’s room. Opening the door silently, she gasped at the form of her little sister sleeping on the floor. Tears filled her eyes. “Kateest!” She whispered. She grabbed the blanket from Kateest’s new bed and laid it on her.

Kateest moved slightly. “I want to go home!” She murmured in her sleep.

Arv’en bit her lip when she heard that. She almost screamed when she turned toward the door and saw Master Keno standing there.

“Arv’en please come here,” His voice gentle and calm.

Arv’en turned and walked to him. When she reached the door she stepped out of the room and closed the door. “What do you need Master Keno?” She asked gently.

Master Keno smiled. “You and Lucaus are well matched. Please become his padawan.”

Arv’en sighed and nodded. “Yes master.”


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10 Reviews


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Thu Apr 02, 2020 11:15 pm
koinoyokan wrote a review...



First, off I just have to say I am impressed with your writing considering the fact I am not super familiar with the franchise of star wars I was still able to realize that this was star wars inspired way before any mention of masters or Jedi. That shows you were able to emulate the feel of the star wars universe so well that a noob could tell. You also do a really good job with characterization right from the beginning we have a very good idea about who Arv'en is and what she wants. My only point on her character would be to maybe show rather then say that she wants to be a Jedi. Maybe when she's out on the domes to have her pretend to use a lightsaber or something to that effect. I would also like it if in some parts you slowed down a bit and took the time to really explain what is happening. Sometimes the pace is so fast that a new action is happening every paragraph which can make it hard for a reader to follow what you are writing. Such as when Lucas runs at Arv'en it's over so fast that had someone been skimming they would have missed it entirely. Other than that this is the great start to an adventure about Arv'en's development into a Jedi.




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Thu Feb 06, 2020 5:10 pm
writerkitty wrote a review...



^-^ Greetings! Writerkitty here with a review for ya! :D

Okay, first off, I must admit, I don't know much about Star Wars and I got into the franchise pretty recently...so forgive me if I didn't address the things related to it much. >.<

This was really interesting, and I really like how you started the story. :D I'm guessing this is the first chapter since you've categorised this under Novel/Chapter.

Arv’en seems like a really strongwilled character and I like her a lot already! ^-^ The readers got the chance to meet a lot of characters right in the first chapter, and Arv'en is the one that stood out most to me. Lucaus seems like a pretty interesting character as well. And I'm eager to know how their partnership would work out. They seem really different, but for some reason just like Master Keno said, they seem like a good match. Maybe, it's because they both seem very dedicated, loyal and courageous.

I really liked how you started off the story, with Arv'en waking up and sneaking out of her house to have a little run xD It really brings out her character. So while her family is more focused on the family business, like most of the folk there, she's different and wants to be a Jedi. :O Interesting! No wonder the masters notice that she's different.

I did feel sad when Arv'en and her sister had to leave their parents though. Especially the younger sister, because unlike Arv'en she didn't really seem that interested to train to become a Jedi.

Your description is pretty good as well. My favourite is when you described how Arv'en ran across the plains in the first part of the chapter, it was really well described and I could really picture a tired yet excited little girl running over the sandy floor. :D

This chapter didn't give away a lot about the plot, but I like how the story build-up and the pace was okay too. ^-^

I found it pretty funny how Lucaus refused to accept Arv'en as his padawan...he seems to still be slightly ashamed about what happened earlier with the whole duel and Varactyls xD Or he simply dislikes her, guess more about them will be revealed later one since this is just the first chapter ^-^

Alrighty, onto the nit-picks and suggestions.

The dawn had hardly started when 13 year old Arv’en rolled out of bed and started to change. She moved quietly so she would not wake her little sister, Kateest, after she buckled the Tauntaun fur boots, she loved, she ran for the door of their small hut.


This part seems a bit confusing, maybe you can try to break the sentence into two to make it more clear. (this is just a suggestion ^^)

She reached the first sand dun,


I think you meant sand dune.

Spoiler! :
The dawn had hardly started when 13-year-old Arv’en rolled out of bed and started to change. She moved quietly so she would not wake her little sister, Kateest. After she buckled the Tauntaun fur boots, she loved, she ran for the door of their small hut.


The Varactyls were needing to be let out, and their chirrups would wake the house if she left them.


I think it's more suiting to use a verb like 'needed' instead of a progressive tense verb here.


“I’m sorry, I was taking a walk,” Arv’en said, but then she looked down at her outfit and sighed, ; it was full of sand…. again.
Out of the hut came their mother, Thessa, “Where have you been?!” and why did you let the Varactyls out! You know today is a sale day!” Thessa stormed.
[/quote]

There were a few places you've missed or misused commas, I've pointed out a few above. ^-^ I think you could find the rest if you re-check this, but if you need any help, let me know! :D


^-^ Welp, that's all for now,

I really hope you continue this!

Keep writing!
Have a great day/night!

writerkitty




2Stareyes says...


Ok thank you very much!



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18 Reviews


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Reviews: 18

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Thu Feb 06, 2020 1:29 am
2Stareyes says...



Wow my story sucks that much..... ok




writerkitty says...


Nooo, I think it's great! Please continue writing ^-^



2Stareyes says...


Sorry about the punctuation problems, I dont do it so well



writerkitty says...


^-^ It's alright, you can always learn and improve! :D I'm still learning too.




There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley