Young Writers Society

This is great and funny. Your rhyming was all good except for this one line.

There are only five empty slots, but no way to tell which is full
I want to help save them, but I don’t want to become a fool

The full and fool don't go together at all. I would suggest re-writing it. I like the whole poem, it's done very well. Ending the last line in mid-sentence was a great idea. I like the thoughts of the main character, caring for the others luck as well as his own.
Keep it up!

A nice poem. I love your genre; I am a mystery and suspence fan whether it be a poem or story.
The starting' s great but I do not like the ending quite as much. I feel that it could have been better.My favourite line was:
' If I don' t pull the trigger there's no way I could die
But if I don't pull the trigger will everything become a lie'
Another line I love is:
' I'll take this risk, the one that will make or break us
I'll pull the trigger will the winds fatal gusts'
In that line the word ' fatal' is a very good descriptive adjective. One thing which is a problem here and is a problem with many of my poems as well are the sentence lengths.

Lovely poem and hope to read more of your work soon.
Wish you all the best for your poetic journeys.
- Anshira

Hey, there, 221B! The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya this afternoon! First of all, I love your username. (I'm Sherlocked, too.) Anyways, back to your poem. *cough*


The beginning two lines were perfect; they grabbed my attention immediately and I wanted to continue reading your work. The first stanza accurately set the mood for this poem, giving the reader a sense of foreboding. However, I have a tiny nitpick about the last line of the opening stanza: "Should I take the risk?/Or should I fade with the mist?" This just feels like you are desperately grasping for a word to rhyme with "risk", causing the rhyme to seem forced. You're the poet here, though, so stick with your gut instinct.

In the middle stanza, your rhyming again falters a bit. The word "full" is paired with "fool" and these are pronounced exactly the same. Did you intentionally write it that way? I really like the rest of the second section, despite the full/fool part, and can clearly see that the roulette player is facing indecision and is feeling fear.

I love the ending to this poem! It gave me chills, for some reason.


Overall, I enjoyed reading your work, 221B! I did not find any grammatical errors, so congrats on that. Other than my few nitpicks, I don't see much you need to change. Good job, and as always: Write on!

---Storm

hey!

so i start my review with some positive points.......your starting lines are really nice. it suits your genre........you started well with " one chance to save us......." and ended at "or should i fade with the mist?" this whole stanza is nice, very good.

then if we come to your second stanza.....then i found that another good stanza with great start. till now your poetry is sounding nice and mellifluous.

the problem generates in your third stanza.......all the momentum lost with this last stanza. i am not saying that it is bad but not good at all in comparison with your first two stanzas.

you should use some commas in appropriate places to separate the lines.


overall your work is good and please revise your work one more time.

keep writing!

Oh. Hello, K here to review your poem!

First, I really like the idea of it. The subject matter, and then how it ends mid-word. That is truly a smart idea, and makes a really great poem!

So starting with your strengths, your end is definitely one. You get bonus points for creativity :3 Your stanzas are really nice, and you have a pretty good flow working here. I like the short and sweetness of it, and you manage to tell one story with your poem, which is always a great thing!

Moving on to weaknesses, the first one really stuck out to me- rhyme scheme. The first two lines don't rhyme at all, and then the one's that do aren't always full rhymes. For example, full/fool don't exactly rhyme, they're just close rhymes. Also, your line, "Or should I fade with the mist?" Seems a little forced. For future poems, I would definitely consider working on a rhyme scheme. Your next weakness is a small one, you just have a habit of repeating words a bit, like trigger and risk.

Overall, I really liked your poem, and I can't wait to see more from you! Keep writing!

Hey, HT here for a review.

Since the title is included separate from the work, you don't have to put it in the work. It's kind of redundant to have it twice.

There are no grammar/spelling errors that I can see, and for that I give you a gold start. I love people with excellent grammar. Your rhyme scheme is clearly very well thought out, and very suited to the work. It doesn't feel forced, and the flow is amazing.

I think I spotted a slight error, however I am unsure if the way that you wrote it was intentional or not.

In the very last line of the last stanza, did you intend to say 'risk'? Or is it supposed to drop off and end like that?

Happy Writing!
HT