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Dishonor

by 21gmu


                                                                   Dishonor

                               Papa left to work

                                                    he said it would help

                                                                                         u s

                                                 but i was drowned in sorrow

when he            n                 came                                   i couldn't live

                             e                        back                              not like

                              v                                                                       T H I S

                                  e

                                     r

                                                   a  broken heart

                                                        my father was the only one 

                                                                       I          T R U S T E D

                                         but he left me t o o, why does everyone leave m e 

                         depression is a word used not to describe me, but my entire country

                                                                  we are all  B R O K E N

                                                                      utterly devastated 

men leave and don't                                                                     their families stay

                                come back                                                                                waiting

                  

                  papa told me i would understand one day, he told me one day i too would learn

                                             and i too, he said,

                                                               would speak the song of my heart

                                                so i too, he said,

                                                                could defend my country

                              

                                    he wanted me to represent H I M and i couldn't let him D O W N

                    but tell me, please tell me, how could he expect me to L I V E with him G O N E

                                                       when i had nothing left but a destroyed country

                                                      

                                                       i wanted to spread my father's message

                                                                                i really did

                                                                      but i C O U L D N ' T

               

                                          my father left,

                                                                 and so i could leave too 

                                           

                                                                      all 

                                                                         that

                                                                             was

                                                                                  heard

                                                                        

  a  g u n s h o t

                                                                           fired through

                                                                               

SILENCE

                                                                         and my thoughts,

                                           as i had no regrets and the bullet passed through my skull

b u t

          taking away my life? 

       and leaving my country?

               losing faith?

                                                    my father would have disowned me.

                                                           


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Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:28 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

Let me just say: wow. I like the formatting on here for several reasons and one of them is because it almost seems like the narrator is panicking about what is going to happen to them because their father left. It adds that sense of suspense, I suppose, to the poem. Another thing I like about this type of style is that it is almost like onomatopoeia but without the actually sound effects, if that makes sense. Like, when I'm reading it, I can hear the range in how the speaker is speaking in my head. Also, the mood of the poem is affected by how the format. In any case, let's get onto the reviewing part.

As a reader, I want to know why the father left. You might've thought it would be foreshadowed at the reader was reading but it feels bit unclear to me. I'm thinking that the father left because, as it says in the poem, is because of a war that was happening and he wanted to protect the homeland from invasion. But then again, that could be wrong. If you were to say why his father left, don't put it out suddenly. Ease up on it.
Another thing I want to touch up on is imagery. I do like, as I said, how the style gives us a small piece of what is happening but I think you should give some descriptions about what is happening then and now.

Overall, this was a nice read. The structure gave way into something great; not many poems that I know of could pull this style off but instead, in this one, it kind of smoothed out the mood of the whole thing.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




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Fri Feb 03, 2017 12:42 am
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
Let me start off by saying i love what you did with the formatting! i love using non-traditional formatting, and i love seeing other authors use it, too, because i feel it can add a whole other layer to your writing. i understand that formatting can be a little difficult in YWS's publishing center, but thank you for taking the challenge! i felt the formatting was engaging, it kept me interested in what you were going to say next, where the words on the page were going to go. In my opinion, very effective, and i would encourage you to use it again and to continue developing this skill.
However, while i did enjoy your formatting, i felt there was still a lot to be improved. First of all, imagery. What makes poetry great, in my opinion, is for the reader being able to experience and connect with the emotions expressed within a poem. This is best transmitted the figurative language, comparing the emotions or describing them using things the readers are familiar with, because then even if the reader is unfamiliar with the subject it can be clearly understood in a beautiful manner. This piece was unfortunately lacking in this imagery, so i found it hard to really understand how the character was feeling. i suggest going back through and including more about how the character felt, comparing it to common things like the weather, maybe a tempest, or season or common phenomenon.
Another thing i was little confused about was the ending. It seems the character kills themselves, but i'm not sure why they put so much emphasis on the father's reaction. What happened to the father? Did he kill himself? Did he run away? Was he killed? What message was the character supposed to spread? Adding a few more lines to make this clearer would really help the audience understand the poem.
Anyways, good job! Sorry if that seemed a little harsh, but i really did like this piece, especially the formatting. Keep up the good work, and please continue to write with creative formatting! It's one of my favorite things!
herbgirl




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Thu Feb 02, 2017 3:20 am
21gmu says...



if you're not viewing this on a computer, the format might get really messed up.





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