"Damn,come on" I thought. There I stood in a rat infested store, with a handful of groceries I had no use for.In my head I was thinking hurry the HELL up.The clerk was taking his ever loving time packing everyone's' bags.Box by box, bag by bag, I just could take it."Hurry the fu!# up" I yelled. Everyone glared at me as if I had suddenly burst into flames.I tried my best to keep a tough face.
Were I lived if you weren't tough you better know people. The people in my neighborhood were mean , ruthless criminals with no real future and didn't care if they had different. I was known as being a tough deep kid.They didn't mess with me and some admired me for my stories. Everyone knew me by DJ due to my name being Darion Jenkins. Another reason people didn't mess with me is due to my situation at home.My mother was known to be a less than savory woman.
By the time reached the front of the line, I could see that it was already dark outside. I asked the clerk to speed it up.He gave me a ghastly look, that looked as if he were staring right through me.He slowly rung each of the items I had, lazily.
On my way out I gave him the finger then walked off briskly just in case he was coming after me. I wlways had to involintaraly walk to the store for my mom. I started walking for 10 minutes and had to pee half way.As I continued walking I heard a moaning sound.I went back and the moaning stopped.I turned around and walked with a faster pace.I heard footsteps and before I could turn around a pair of lanky cold arms rapped around me holding me tighter than any bearhug I had evr had.I froze like a statue with fear.
Who was this?What was I going to do?
To Be Continued...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm....well this is quite an intriguing start here. I don't know if perhaps you've leaned ever so slightly too far into the exposition side of things with what you're trying to tell us here, but besides that particular issue, I think you're doing a solid job as far as getting our attention as readers is concerned and then you've also managed to do the whole situation with this town quite well I'd say. Its a bit on the nose like I mentioned earlier, but it does work as far as letting us know what's going on is concerned and because of that we do as readers end up wanting to know more about how this situation happened in the first place and what it means for the story.
OKay, you do a good job in terms of telling us what this kid is like through those interaction there. That's quite nicely done I think. It helps us get to know this character just that little bit better, and I think we relate to this one just about barely enough that towards the end when we've got that big ol' cliffhanger that it all ends on, you do feel a little worried for this person. So overall, not a bad start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there! You're my second review, so this probably won't be very helpful, but I'll try my best.
ever loving time
I don't understand this bit. Maybe you should add in some extra words, because it doesn't seem to fit in the sentence.
I just could take it
Do you mean, 'I just couldn't take it?' Because that would make more sense.
Were I lived
Where
had evr had
ever
It was alright. It's not really the type of story that I like all that much, but there's probably loads of people who'd love to read something like this. I hope I helped a bit. Good luck!
Hi, I'm Forever Threnody. Yep. I see you're new. I won't bore you with the entire welcoming ritual. You can go to the welcoming forum for that. But anyhow, I'm Forever Threnody, you can call me Forever, Threnody, Thren, FT, Coralie, or anything else creative you can think up. Now, onto your review.
I liked this. It was generally fun to read. It didn't linger on unimportant details, and it allowed for some basic character building. You managed to fit a lot into a small amount of paragraphs.
One thing though, I'd like to know what the hell this guy is thinking. He's apparently short-tempered and not very conservative. We've got that. But seeing inside his head would be a fun experience. He's a colourful guy.
Also, make the characters more 3D. Go more in depth with their personalities. You've hyperbolized this guys temperament to the extreme. But, the cashier does play a nice role in this story, I'd like to know more about him and such, as with the other seemingly unimportant characters. The people in line and such. This is a short story, make it more captivating.
Also, dramatise the whole ending. You've just sprung it on us. Give us some rising action.
A small thing I noticed, give some space between a punctuation mark and the next letter. It makes it tons easier to read. Next, I've noticed some basic spelling error. There's a spell check in the right hand corner. It's useful. It's also useful to pay attention to those lovely red lines provided under a word. Surprisingly, this being a writing site, we stress good grammar, syntax, spelling and the like.
That's it, I enjoyed this and I would love it if you'd continue it. My imagination is pretty much running rampant right now, I want to know what you're thinking.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody