The Moon
I look out the window
The moon starts its crescendo
Where towards the sun it peeks
As the sun sinks
And the moon goes o’er the Sandia Peaks
She sees the horizon by the sun get hit
And the sun turn into a mere slit
Now lonely in the sky she sit
Wond’ring when the Sun she’ll see
And why always he must flee
And across the world
The sun did sit
And said “If only she loved me”
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey, 20JPorter! ScytheMeister here to review
This was a good poem, I like what you've done with the relationship between the sun and the moon. We all know the tale of how "the sun loved the moon" and vice versa.
However, I think it would have been better to have wrote from a third person perspective and not include the person. Talking as an anonymous eye witness would have fit perfectly for this type of poem.
That's not the only problem, because you do actually end up personifying the sun and the moon, by giving them dialogue and also human like qualities:
That's great, if it were by itself. The jump between the person and the sun and moon is too confusing or rather, it just disturbs the flow of the poem.
And also, why have you taken letters out of words?
and
I don't know whether you're trying to suggest a location with the type of speech (e.g. Western America) but truthfully, it does not fit in with this poem and whilst reading it irritated me so much. It interrupted the flow.
Good job, nonetheless. I hope to read more of your work
- ScytheMeister
Hello! Ghostie here with the shortest review on Earth.
I am very confused about this poem. What exactly does any of this mean?
i don't wanna take it for face value, but I'm not sure if it's a metaphor for anything or not.
The last thing I intend to do is insult this work f art. It's great, but maybe you should consider taking time to clarify any misunderstandings this poem may have.
Hi! I'm here to review your poem.
I think it was a nice little poem about why the sun and the moon could never meet. What bothered me most was the rhyme scheme. I love rhymes--maybe even more than free verse! But it's flat if there's some forced rhymes.
For example, this.
I like the way you use the narrator to view something. This is good material for a sonnet, I think, especially a Petrarchan type. Overall the concept was lovely like Lumi below said, but I think the rhyme scheme was not that perfect. I hope this review helped and wasn't too harsh. Have a great day!
~Princess Ink~
EDIT: I didn't see fortis's review and it seems as though we had the same type of critiques
Hello!
I feel like you have a cool premise. I like the line "If only she loved me," with one celestial body yearning for another.
However, your poem has a bad case of the rhymes. And I'm sorry, but it's fatal.
The forced rhyming in your poem is strangling the life out of it. Every single line is awkward. Do you see the way you twist around your sentences just to get them to rhyme?
for example if you said: "She sees the horizon by the sun get hit" in a normal way, you'd say: "She sees the horizon get hit by the sun"
You have this for so many lines, it's like you're speaking like Yoda. And that is not natural and thus is not good in poetry. Poetry's supposed to flow, so if you twist your sentences all around, it will never flow.
However, even if you didn't twist it, these rhymes would still be forced. You know they're forced if you'd never say something except for the fact that it rhymed. Read this poem and think about the lines you wrote just to have it rhyme.
I feel like if you didn't worry about the rhyme and just write what you wanted to convey to the audience (which, the moon/sun love story is a classic, but I fall for it every time), you would have a really excellent poem on your hands!
Let me know if you need any help with this. I'd be happy to help
And keep writing! I want to see more poetry from you. You definitely had a nice tone here, and I loved the wistfulness in the end. Excellent job there.
I hope this helped!
~fortis
Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.
The sun and the moon. two polar opposites that decide the fate of the world. one brings light while the other brings darkness. the moon shifts into different phases, becoming even more beautiful as one stares up into the heavens, and when combined with the sun, it becomes even more beautiful and illuminating as an eclipse.
the style of the poem was simplistic, yet possessed a very deep and emotional message. it was very otherworldly and romantic, showing the sun's love for the moon, or vice versa. in Japanese mythology, it is said that the moon god Tsukuyomi continues chasing after the sun goddess Amaterasu, wanting to be with her again, but could never happen as Amaterasu could never forgive her brother/former lover after he murdered the food goddess Uke-mochi. that's what the poem reminds me of, but you might have a different parallel to it.
anyways, it's really good. i hope you keep writing some more of this.
Hey, Porter!
This is a lovely simplistic piece you have here, and encapsulates an older metaphor with a nicer, new touch that I appreciate. My main appreciation comes from the fact that you can read the poem, and upon reflection, insert yourself and your life into the situation and understand times when you've been in a game of chase when you've, in fact, been running away as well. And it's not just a love story. It works on multiple levels, and I appreciate that. I'm not too crazy about the rhyme scheme and the archaic shortening of words when it doesn't do much at all, but hey; you do you!
I hope this helps.
Ty