Vindicated

Now that the Contest has ended I'm going through all the entries and giving them a review.

The trees whispered to each other, rocking back and forth in the icy northern wind, the leaves rustling like a thousand butterfly wings. With the murmuring of the forest and the distant rumbling of waves breaking on the rocky shore, the night echoed a kind of din, white noise that buzzed in her ears.

The full moon hung in the middle of the black void of the sky, outshining by far any of the stars.

she saw distant trees twisting upward as if they were alive.

gently curved knife in its sheath.

“Simon did this,” hissed the female. She was no longer smiling. In fact, her white eyes flashed dangerously. Quietly, Anna put a hand inside the pouch containing the cold salt. Salt to burn, she intoned, iron to bleed away. Salt to burn, iron to bleed, salt to burn, iron to bleed . . .

It came back then, the determination, the purpose, the movement. But most of all, the thoughtlessness. Anna welcomed it gladly. As if in a daze, she killed them all. It was simply, easy, quick; and once they were dead, she didn’t have to look at them anymore. Most of them rotted on the ground as soon as she impaled them.

She gazed down at her feet, where in the pool of liquid she saw a face looking back at her. It was pale, smooth, and pointed, the features harsh and severe. Black hair that was tied back, a red mouth and sharp white teeth, and dark, endless eyes that seemed hollow. A senseless, uncaring, cruel expression. It didn’t care.
And she was looking at herself

pudin.junidf wrote:.
Question, is this all? I think it is, because she throws herself off the edge. And it doesn't suck, ok?. It's really good.

I really like it,it's awsome. How the story was neatly developed, and the events are nicely describes. I would heve liked to know a little more about Anna's appearance. Yhen there's the title, it's awesome too. The story itself is very compelling I really liked it.
Question, is this all? I think it is, because she throws herself off the edge. And it doesn't suck, ok?. It's really good

Pain. That was it. It throbbed inside her, leaking from her in her tears that spilled over her muddy hands, that hit the earth and disappeared. It clawed up her throat, scrabbling to make her bleed as much as possible. She felt as if she were the one with an open wound, blood spurting out of her. It was murderer’s pain. Even as she sobbed into the ground, she fought for justification. She’d been ordered to. She’d had to. But she didn’t have to; she had chosen this. There was no vindication. She was guilty

Hey there.

Overall impressions:

The writing itself is rather nice. You have some skill when it comes to writing descriptions. It was one of the reasons why I kept reading this, it made me feel that I was actually there (at points, I wished I had your description skills). However, for a piece that's well written, I found it strangely dull and uninteresting.

I think the reason for this lies in how you've explored the core ideas in the piece. To me, a lot of emphasis was placed on the descriptions instead of developing the core ideas further. This is problematic because there is very little that the reader can get out of this piece. Though your descriptions are nice, they do little to add more meat to your story.

The first questions that really came into my mind was "What purpose? Why was she determined to kill the vampires?" I don't really get/feel why she did what she did she did. Because her master told her to? To earn his respect? What? Why would she want to do that? I think more of the piece should be focused on developing this relationship between the master and Anna. I just don't really feel that purpose/drive in her.

Then I read further on and I notice that the piece seems to suggest the idea that the main character might be doing this for redemption. But what is she trying to redeem herself from? Why would she want to redeem herself?

This is also the reason why I found the ending to be weak. Well not only that, but you haven't exactly explored further as to why she is tormented.

Ultimately, I realized that this piece wasn't as strong as it could have been because it doesn't capture the deeper reasons as to why vampires are feared in society. Take this with a grain of salt if you want, but my Media Studies teacher once told us that vampires are scary because they have the ability to cross between contrasting ideas and/or themes (such as life/death, man/beast etc). Because of this, we as humans will become quite confused and hence our fear of the unknown. And from what I've gathered, it seems your narrator really despise having this sort of ability...but why? Does it go against her own morals/ideals? What is it?

I also disagree with the reviewer above that said that your main character is developed. To me, she has the right ingredients for development, but she isn't interesting/well rounded yet due to the lack of development of these ideas.

Overall though, I think this is a solid piece. But if you want this to be a good piece of writing, then I think you would need to reconsider the structure of the piece (less focus on descriptions, more on the hardcore ideas and themes established in the piece).

I hope this review has helped somewhat. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss this further.

Good luck.

Andy.

Hello Sunny. Sorry it took me as long as it did to get to this review…my days have been rather hectic lately and my nights (when I review) have been dedicated to just catching up with sleep. But I had the day off, so here I am to review your vamp story. *loves vampires*

Nitpicks

The trees whispered to each other, rocking back and forth in the icy northern wind, the leaves rustling like a thousand butterfly wings.

… curves of the hills, till she could no longer distinguish …

…and that even seemed quieter than before.

her eyes peeled and her eyes pricked

It was murderer’s pain.

She spread her arms wide, taking [s]in[/s] one last deep breath, before throwing herself off the edge.

The full moon hung in the middle of the black void of the sky, outshining by far any of the stars. Moonlight crept around the canopy and a few bars of silvery light hit the forest floor. She stepped around them, ducking into deeper shadows, finding that half-way place in her mind where she was neither awake nor asleep. She flitted, skillfully and somewhat dreamily, around tree trunks and over mossy logs.

Even in its good years, the abbey had been nothing but gloomy and formidable. Now it was derelict. The little cluster of stone buildings were abandoned and slumped, with a few walls that looked as if they had been eaten by some giant. The cemetery jutted out from the side, a rickety fence enclosing the tombstones that have been worn down by wind and time to shapeless stones.

Hey Sunny!

First off, I have to say that I love the title. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Dashboard Confessional.

The trees whispered to each other, rocking back and forth in the icy northern wind, the leaves rustling like a thousand butterfly wings.

And then she reached the end of the woods.

Their hair was lank and loose, no matter the color. The one nearest to her, a woman with waist length dirty blond hair, smiled eerily at her, showing her pointed teeth.

“Anna,” she said in greeting, in her raspy, toneless voice. “How good to see you again.”

It throbbed inside her, leaking from her in her tears that spilled over her muddy hands, that hit the earth and disappeared.

She felt as if she were the one with an open wound, blood spurting out of her. It was murderer’s pain. Even as she sobbed into the ground, she fought for justification. She’d been ordered to. She’d had to. But she didn’t have to; she had chosen this. There was no vindication. She was guilty.
And she longed for punishment.

There came a time when Anna, curled into a ball, trying to keep the broken, guilt-ridden pieces of herself together in one smoldering pile, found that she had no more tears left to shed. That the pain inside her was still raw and aching, but it was bearable. That her thoughts were clear and very much there. That her body moved and operated at just one thought from her brain. That she would follow no more orders that were not her own.