Young Writers Society

He put his books, manuals, and manuscripts on the shelves, and they now occupied most of the given space.[/quote]

Tense switch.

He tried no to feel guilty as he stood in front of the window;

Not to, correct?

Only two things I picked out. The bold italics threw me a bit. Normally, if you want to stress something that's already in italics, like a thought, you un-italicize that word. With the situations you used the bold in, though, I don't think that would work. For the bold, "don't think about it," you could break it down. Don't. Think about it. The same goes for the other line.

However! If you already knew about those methods and you used bold anyway as your chosen emphasis, that's fine. Keep it as is, it's your own personal writing style. In case you didn't, there you go. ^^

I'm liking Moya. Normally, when you have an animal in a story, they're more in the background. They don't really do much, they're just... there. Sometimes they're there to provide characterization for the main character (are they a dog person or a cat person?) but they still don't really do much. Moya seems like her own character with her own personality. Definitely more depth than other pets. And she does seem to be helping him out, with everything. She seems to hold him up.

On the why he's here:

Getting more interesting. Really want to learn who the boy was and who the lady is. Going to be a great read, I think. I'd appreciate it if you'd post me the link when you get the next part up -- would want to continue reading this. Your characters seem rock solid.

Before I go, another thing that rubbed at my spine was the introduction to the flashback. While necessary, could it possibly be done in a way that didn't involve the word flashback? Flash back just seems... like a term used by the readers to refer to something about the characters, not the characters referring to themselves. Just a quick switch out of words, nothing too big.

And that's about it.

Hey 200!

He wandered slowly into the hallway, climbed the cramped staircase, and came to the next landing, Moya panting and wagging her tail behind him.

You can split this up into two sentences. In some sentences it's okay to use two commas like you do here, but it's best to try to have the majority of your longer sentences use just one comma.

it looked like a reddish-black color when the sun shined on it,

shone, not shined

How could he? He was visiting these two, just visiting. He tried to take comfort in that thought, but discomfort rose in him all the same.

Actually, this is a little unclear. In the first part of this chapter, the woman seemed to believe he was merely visiting or renting for a smaller period of time. But he knows he's living there, or that's what he implies here. Besides the lack of clarity in his letter, why would the woman believe he wasn't staying long? His living arrangements seem a little unclear.

I really love the Moya being around - I feel like she really helps bring out Jack's character. She's adorable. And this story is written very well - it's slowly easing us into this aparment and Jack's character, and already we know there's something up with that one girl - we're suspicious because she lifted up the luggage so easily - and now we have a vague idea of something haunting in his past. I think you're pacing is wonderful, and it's a bit refreshing. A lot of people seem to have a problem with pacing.

You seem to have less issues in this part with the longer sentences, but it's best to keep it mind, in case you fall back into it in future chapters (I think I read that you had a lot of this written already?). Your writing is very clear and descriptive and I'm really enjoying it!

PM me with any questions.

~ Clo