Published April 14, 2008
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141,494 Literary Works • 674,529 Reviews
Ahck!
Very hard to read.
It made my eyes hurt.
You can try using paragraphs.
It feels like a long poem.
Couldn't understand much for that fact.
I'm back.
Thoughts should be italic.-Nitpicks-
I think this should be italic as well.
I love that first line. ^_^ But I think the second sentence ruins the effect--I would delete it if I were you.
I say you should delete either "really" or "well." Having both of them seems repetitive to me.
Later you say there were two thousand and five.
Which category does the narrator fall into?
The comma should be inside the quotes.
That beginning part should just be "When I was changed," so that you don't switch tenses.
That last part ("I felt heartless and selfish.") should be its own sentence, methinks.
Self-explanatory, no?
All three of these sentences start with "after." You might want to do something about that repetition. Oh, and where I live we spell it "bandoleer."
You didn't say anything about it being noisy earlier...
Again, thoughts should be italic.
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-Overall-
This is really just an info-dump. You tell us about the house, the bandoleers, the family, everything. We don't actually need to know all of that. You could just touch on each, mentioning them, but not going into detail, and that would be much better, in my opinion. Starting a story with an info-dump will usually just make your reader(s) bored. But if you just give us a taste, then we will be left wanting more, wondering what everything means, eager to read on.
Instead of going into such detail about the ways of life for the family, why not show us more about your MC? I don't really know much about her personality, except for the fact that she feels like an outsider.
Also, I'm still not content with the formatting, haha. You should put a line break un between each paragraph, like I am in my review.
Please feel free to PM me if you have questions/comments about my critique.
I hope this helps!
~Azila~
EEP! Can you please get rid of the "pre" setting? It is so hard on the eyes.
Just make sure that you put a space between all of your paragraphs (like I am) once "pre" is gone.
PM me when you fix this and I'll give you a proper critique, okay?
Thanks.
~Azila~