Published February 6, 2009
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141,423 Literary Works • 674,400 Reviews
I'm sorry to tell you that I can't offer much assistance in reviewing this one. I was just too drawn in by the story to notice any mistakes! (Or perhaps you didn't make any. Let's go for both; I like both. Haha.)
Anyway, I'm guessing my prediction from the first chapter (I posted it in my critique) is going to come true! I'm hoping desperately it does. Haha.
Before I start, I just want to point out that it may get confusing with both boys being called ‘Nick’ and ‘Nate’. It might be confusing… just a thought to consider, I guess
Well, and since I found no mistakes yet again, I really can only give you praise. This is a super sweet story and I love how well you did with the guy POV. Very well done. And you write with such smooth simplicity. There is no over-describing and no over-emphasizing. All is simple and elegant and I love reading it.
I’m sorry I can’t be much of a review-er since you made no mistakes.
Let me know when the next piece is up! =]
Hey there Sunny!
This is a good beginning, you have great characterization.
AND
You can get rid of the first one because we already know he's guilty. There's no need to keep repeating it.
I really don't like this. I don't know why but it just isn't cutting it for me.
Try: "I part my lips to speak, but my voice is gone. She was good at getting anything she wanted."
Or something, it doesn't need to be so wordy, you know?
You really don't need that underlined part.
Okay. If he doesn't know that the butler is following them, then how does he know what he's carrying? Fix this.
That underlined part is not needed.
Okay, this was another good chapter. You did really well in the beginning but in the end you just started to slip. Just try not to info dump where it is not needed, and you'll be alright.
I am enjoying this story, so please PM me if and when you post more!
Ta,
~Angel
Got myself a cup of tea and my reviewing head on! So here it goes lol
This chapter was again very good, I noticed a few little mistakes like I think in one place you forgot to put an ending speech mark and I think some of your punctuation was off. However, seen as I am not sure about any of that I won't give any specifics lol
I think I can see where this story is going, Nick and Lucy are going to fall in love and perhaps while they are falling in love alyss will come over to New Tork and ruin it! Or Nick's parents won't like the idea of her dating their prodigal son. Do you see what I mean? I could probably guess a lot of what is going to happen. So as I said in the last review try and think of a unique selling point or a good plot twist, to make your story different from everyone elses. Of course I could be completely wrong with my predictions
Again I liked the dialogue, I thought it was very realistic and flows well. I was a lot more involved in this chapter than I was the last one. In the last one I kept getting distracted by the TV. I perhaps would have liked this chapter to be a bit longer, maybe a bit more about Nick's life in London, not a lot more but just a bit before he goes to Long Island. I think it would make it more interesting and show is more of his personality. And when he meets Lucy and then perhaps starting to change and to do music again, we can see what a difference Lucy has made in him, if you see what I mean.
Well that's about it. I hope I was at least a little bit helpful lol Again PM me if you have any questions.
Bex x
P.S. Gold star!