Published January 21, 2009
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
You're story is so interesting!!! I saw when you posted the fourth chapter and read a sentence or two, and then thought it'd probably be smarter if I started on Chapter 1.
Your use of present tense really confused me at first, but I think it gives the story a unique personality.
And the characters are so believable! It's like you can really understand how and what they're feeling.
Sorry I can't give you any constructive criticism, but I can't think of anything to else to say that hasn't been previously mentioned.
Hi, nice to meet you! Your story really drew me in, and I loved Lucy and Izzy's personalities.
I just caught one little slip (that I think I'm correct on, but I can't be sure) :
As you mentioned, you're writing in present tense. This threw me off at first, but I think if you really want to do it, you should.
Anyway, at the part when it says "she whispered", shouldn't it be "she whispers"?
All in all, pretty good story! I enjoyed it, and I'm trying to figure out who the man shall be.
(I personally think it should be Nicholas. Not to ruin the story or tell you how to write it, just a prediction)
Well, I'm off to read you're second chapter! Bye!
Sunny, I'm still working on the pieces you sent me via email but I decided to give you this review to help you out as well (also, I love your work and anything new draws me in
)
Wow, you have no idea how much I absolutely love this paragraph. You go and describe how perfect it is and then go to her and how he says ‘oh, hi lucy’ Ah, so beautiful! This is how it really works when you have a guy friend and yet they don’t see you as anything but a friend. Perfectly done, Sunny!
~ ~ ~ ~
As you can tell, I have no mistakes for you to point out. This was a super cute beginning. The only thing I would work on is spicing up the beginning a bit before Izzy shows up. The jelly-jam thing was sweet but I think you could add a bit more just to draw the reader in more quickly.
Otherwise, hopefully I can read on later today
Hello again, Sunny!!
singly = singing
I think that 'I' in "I needed..." should be italicized. Your dialog is so believable and when I read it out loud I just can hear Lucy putting emphasis on the 'I'
Haha
I'd nix the underlined part.
There should be an and where the underlined she is.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You can't just say things like that and then go on to talk about this Nicholas guy. Elaborate. I mean, why is she in love with him? Either get rid of that statement and elaborate later or elaborate now.
Okay, I like this and one thing I will mention is that you just need to work on your tenses. You switch from time to time and it can get a bit confusing, so if I were you, I'd reread this and put the is where the was is, you know?
Well, I think this is interesting and I can't wait to see where this goes.
Keep writing,
~Angel
P.S. I love the title
Hey Sunny!!
I just thought I'd read this since I haven't read anything yours and this is more recent.
Though this is only the beginning, good characterization!
I'm liking Lucy so far but this just seems bland, try to make it more colorful.
Example: They look at me and imagine that ten years from now, I'll be a lonely woman without a job or life. To them, I'll be this girl with the pink stains on my pants forever. But what do they know?
I'd get rid of those two words.
Haha, in my novel I have a character named Izzy. She wouldn't be caught dead dressing like this but forget her, Angels & Airwaves is awesome. ^_^
OOps well I gotta go, but I'm lovin' it so far. Lucy is a really interesting character and you write wonderfully, but I'll be back, I promise.
Ta,
~Angel
Hey, 200397
nice to meet you. I'm here as requested! lol
Sorry I can't put more things to fix but there isn't much to fix and you know I don't do grammar! lol
I actually really enjoyed this. Ever since I was younger and used to write romantic fiction, I've kind of not been so keen on modern day romances but this really drew me in.
The present tense sort of put me off to start with, I found it a bit difficult to get into but that is probably not your fault. It is probably because I have never read a story that is in present tense.
The characters are beginning to develop really nicely and they mirror real life or at least what I experience as real life lol. I can totally relate to Lucy because I have all the doubts she has. I want to be a writer and a film maker and so often I say like the exact words she says. Like what if I'm not good and what if I never make it. So I really connected to her. Then of course I ring up my parents or a friend and they do exactly what Izzy does! lol
The back story is very interesting and tragic, might I add lol The dialogue for me is believable and it flows well. So often you find that dialogue can ruin a piece because it just doesn't seem realistic.
The only thing I worry about is that it will fall into a stereotypical love story about a girl who likes a guy but he doesn't like her and then they like fall in love. I have read that story so many times and even tried to write it lol So I think just be careful and give your story a unique selling point, something that no other story like it has. I think this music thing and singing could be part of that though.
I saw you posted the other chapter so I'll head on over and review that
Pm me if you have any questions
Bex x
P.S. I think I'll give you a star
Here I am. =]
Note: Most my comments are on the fact that you have present tense, not past. So technically they are suggestions.
Ok, so this is merely a suggestion. For the words above I would have put them in past tense. 'Slipped'; 'landed'; 'dabbed'; 'smeared'; and 'left' just fit together in the sentence. Not to many people use present tense. It just throws off the whole story.
In the bold are the changes I have made to the run-on sentence. It sounds a bit better now. A suggestion, of course.
I'm sure you meant gallery. x3
This sentence is a bit confusing and is defiantly a run-on. I'd split up the sentences. 'Tolling' doesn't fit there, either.
Example:
The clock at the end of the NYU campus gallery read eight o-clock. Only a few other students surrounded me, eating late-night snacks and inspecting their homework.
I'd use were, not are. Once again this sentence has present tense and it's a bit confusing. Past tense is used most often by writers, or at least that I've seen.
Once again, past tense. I think I have a better explanation on why people use past tense. It's because the character is telling a story that has already happened. Especially if it's in first person.
So. was not am.
was
had
would
Just; had.
peered
it was
scratched; twisted
Sounds better:
I slouched over the table and felt my self.....
plopped
looked
I'd add something else to the comment after the comma.
Example;
I looked up, Izzy's face greeting me with her normal self:
Capitalize the 'h.'
interrupted
was, instead of is
squealed, instead of squeals
took
stopped, instead of stops
looked, instead of looks
sighed
[size=9]
'Now's' is not a word.
'Lizzy said wisely, because now she had caught on and was in supportive comfort mode.'
whispered
waited
'Asked,' would be better.
Izzy said, looking at me,
'"Lucy," she was slightly...'
'she said, leaning,...'
Capitalize 'what's.'
I'll stop here. The rest of the story is just full of present tense. You are a bit confusing because you switch between present and past tense sometimes. Otherwise, like I said before, I love this story.
I know it's a lot of revision, but every good book/story needs this. It's a good beginning and I can't wait to see more of this.
-Chenka
I quickly glanced at this piece, but it only took a couple sentences to keep me hooked until it ended. I love the way you write, the horrible jam incident made me smile and I really like your characters.
Keep going !
I like this so far and I'd love to review it. I am going to school soon so I'll review it once I get back.
It's a good start, just a few things from me.
Can't wait to see more of Lucy and Izzy. =]
-Chenka