Published September 8, 2008
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,701 Reviews
Hello, dear!
This was fun
I. NITPICKS
Okay, fun fact: I was talking to a friend from Russia the other day and she said "It's colder here than in Moscow." I said, "Oh yeah, I've heard that wet cold is worse than dry cold, so maybe..." She answered "No, in Moscow it's four degrees but here it's minus one."
I'm not saying you should change it, because until that conversation I thought the same... I wouldn't worry though, the concept remains.
This sounds just a little weird and "I collect little children"-ish.
Way to throw in your stereotype... not all Muslims are terrorists you know. Also, saying "we're Islam" seems very awkward. Try something like "Muslims don't celebrate Christmas" (although I would keep in mind that they do celebrate Eid in December.)
Try "too few rooms, not enough doctors" or something.
Perhaps you should consider setting it in the train station because really, I can't see a bomb on an eight o'clock Tube making a very big impact...
Do they do that? If the optic nerve was severed and all? I don't know, maybe I'm just stupid... Also, why would their eyeballs come out? It seems a bit horror movie-y.
Like a gown or a white coat?
Repetition of back is bugging me.
Saying black straight out sounds a little "Oh yeah, he was black" -ish. Try at the end "she had to step back to look the tall black man in the eye" or something.
Okay, cool...
II. CREDIBILITY
You just need to think things through more. For instance, why are the two men in the bar speaking English? Why are they in a Russian bar anyway? How big is the bomb, why is it injuring so many people? Are they all going to one hospital despite the number of hospitals there must be in London? If the bomb's as big as it seems to be, is there actually a bed for the boy? Why did no one tend to him earlier?
Just think each thing through and if you can come up with an answer for it all, then cool.
III. OVERALL
Well written and rather enjoyable.
Hope I helped and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
Hello there, I decided to come check your stuff out!
I like what I see so far; you've got some good descriptions, and the beginning is interesting enough to get me curious.
There wasn’t snow on the ground just yet, even though Christmas was right around the corner. The weather was terrible though. Cold and ache-inducing, like a virus, it seeped into his bones, despite his efforts to dispel it
Two things: you say "though" twice, within two sentences. Now, that's not a crime, necessarily, but I just thought it sounded off.
Plus, there are some extra commas that I believe aren't needed. "Cold and ache-inducing like a virus, it seeped into his bones despite his efforts to dispel it."<-- i think this would do just fine.
Once it got wet it became vulnerable, letting the wind and bitter cold entry. I think you mean "enter" here.
I'm beginning to feel dang cold myself!
He wandered around the city, looking for a place to rest. He had been searching for hours now, and he didn’t want to give up, but without sleep he might as well.
I don't know if I'm being dense, but at first I thought "he had been searching for hours now" for "a place to rest." It wasn't until the next paragraph that I understood what you meant. You may want to switch that up a little bit to make it more clear.
Part of him wanted to stay here and forget everything, but the majority of him knew that he should keep looking, searching, not giving up.
Nice parallel structure here.
Nikolai recognized the sound—not just the bloodcurdling shriek—but a very faint grinding sound of potential motion, of something bad beginning to happen. He knew the sound. As the scream tore at his ears, he dived, desperate, through a slat in the wall of an abandoned building, letting himself fall down through the empty place, breaking through floor boards. Nikolai scrambled for the basement. But it was too late. The scream was the only warning.
And then the world shattered.
Whoa! A bomb? Nicely done!
All in all:
Pretty intense. You had me on the edge of my seat, honestly. I've got a bunch of questions, too. Who's the boy? Who's the man in the beginning? How did they get separated?
Hope to see more of your work!
Thanks for the read!
--Anna
Nothing major wrong, nothing at all exactly. Just a few sentences didn't make sense so i made a few alterations.
Christen is Christian (Christianity/Christ) just to let you know, unless American's have different spelling for that too?
Show, don't tell. You explain the mans actions like bang bang bang rather than blend them together or use dialogue or 'show'. You're telling too much, and should revise the paragraphs so the reader can assume actions have been done, rather than telling everything.
Make sense?
I hope so.
Make a clear differentiation between the man and the nurse - you just begin a new paragraph. Now i know in a book-type situation or after another edit you would probably put a line or a break, but in that copy there is none and i was shocked to find the story had shifted POV. Not the best for a reader to experience XD
great story do not doubt me on that! I cannot wait until chapter 1! You have a fairly defined structure and characterization - though to describe characrters would be essential in chapter 1.
i liked the previous suggestions... and you should definitely keep those in mind.
as for the drink thing... i like the fact that you kept the Russian tradition and used vodka... it's my drink of choice!
I can't remember if this was posted in romance or not (duh duh duh.. sorry I;m being stupid) but if it is... I'm ready for more. thank you for not starting it out like every other romance. this is interesting. this is intriguing...
and anyways... this is good good and good and fabulous and wonderful!
tell me when there's more up! i will definitely read it! gahhh! I want to know what happens!
Um...this isn't really a word, and reminds me a lot of Scott Westerfeld in the Uglies series. Not that that's a bad thing, it just stood out and I felt like I should mention it.
it's*
This was probably your default thought, and I like how you used a russian drink, but why not make it more believeable and have him ask for a real drink like an Ice Bomb, Kamikaze, or Screwdriver?
tears should be plural
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This is so far proving to be a very good peice. It's origional, has none of that traditonal boy-meet's girl falls in young love vibe, but is still romance. A very good piece in my opinion.
Keep up the good work!
-JC