A Return to Peace (The First Memory)

Sorry this took me a while to get to, but here's your review!

This was really great. As the people above me have said, you have a magnificent way with words, a real talent. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, really, because I was so caught up in the story. However, a few pointers:

1. Dialogue. I feel like the way they're talking is a little weird. It's confusing how old they are, until you say middle school. It felt a little juvenile for a middle schooler to call their mom "mama" especially in the context that they did.

2. Hints. I would have liked a few more hints on how she felt guilty about killing her mother. Was it in child birth? Was it related to how Jesse saved his mother? I might have also liked a few more details on their family. Like, where are their fathers? What do they think about all this killing/saving of their wives? Of course, with this being only part of a story there's room for all that later. I'm just curious.

3. Italics. Since it says First Memory at the beginning, you don't really need to put it in italics unless there is another part that isn't in italics next to it. Plus, I heard that readers don't remember things as well when it's all in italics, so try not to use it when you don't have to, I guess.


Overall, very intriguing. Good job, it makes me want to read more.

Hey =]

I agree with Music, in that this piece was wonderfully written. You truly are a brilliant writer.

I loved the imagery that you used and the description was wonderful.

I don't really have any nit-piks to point out as I think that Music pretty much covered all of the things that I would have pointed out.

Also, I think that it is an original idea to have a memory before each chapter. Showing us memories will enable us to get to know more about the background of your MC - thus making her seem more realistic.

Looking forward to the next part

xDudettex

Yay! I just love reviewing your romances, darling! [How's "My Only Sunshine" doing, by the way? ]


Grammar:

With that, I stood and walked away down the street, feeling the gentle lick of tiny water droplets as they brushed my arms and neck.

I broke into a run, and I heard the scratch of gravel behind me that told me he did, too.

A part of Narnie died that day—the part that had refused to believe the wickedness inside her. But a part of Jesse and me grew in that bonding moment. A part that I would always hold dear.
I like the ending, but are you sure you want to switch to third person for the beginning of it?