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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I Want to Believe You

by 2001cvs


    When you say, I love you

   I want to believe 

   To understand it's true

    To feel the love

When you say, I'll be with you forever

I want to believe you. 

I'll leave you never

Just to be close. 

     When you say, I won't hurt you 

     I want to believe 

     I've been hurt too,

     I want to be healed.  

When you say I am worthy

I want to believe.

Are you trustworthy?

But I don't know. 

    When you say to believe you

    I can't and you'll see

     I want to believe you you

     But I don't believe me. 

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1334 Reviews

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Wed Apr 26, 2017 8:01 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hi there, 2001cvs!

I am leaving this review because of the amazing solidity of the last stanza. The rhyme, the rhythm, the message -- it's all so sturdy and well-communicated in those final four lines. And I feel like because you have such a great ending, the first stanzas deserve to have another look taken at them as well!

Right now they feel, to me, too simple. I feel like I've heard them too many times. Other people aw well write about wanting to not be hurt, wanting to be worthy, wanting to be loved. I know that, so why do I need to read another poem about it?

I really like that you chose dialogue to carry the narrative of your poem, though. By describing that these things are said from one person to another, we get to see them in a scene together and really understand that they interact with one another regularly. You have built, through the number of stanzas, a sense of long-ish history -- that they've had a number of weeks together, working on being less wary of one another, but it's not quite working yet. And those senses of time and relationship are really important to the base of the poem; I just think they could be described in a way that feels newer!

Does this make sense to you? If not, just know that I super appreciate the last stanza, and I do appreciate that you chose to share your poetry with YWS!

If you wanna talk more or have questions about this review, feel free to PM me.

Good luck!

Hannah




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128 Reviews

Points: 6214
Reviews: 128

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Sun Apr 02, 2017 9:59 pm
BlueSunset wrote a review...



Hey there, @2001cvs! I'll be reviewing your poem for today. Nice piece, by the way! I love the strength in the message here; the ending was quite good, too.

Nitpicks and simple fixes to make:

When you say, I won't hurt you

I think you should italicize what the person says, making it I won't hurt you. It helps separate the text better and stops confusion from occurring.
When you say, I love you

I think you should italicize this part too, near the end, because it is referring to the speech of the person.
I want to believe you you

Simple mistake. Take out a "you".

As far as format goes, it was pretty neat! I actually enjoyed how you separated your stanzas with moving some out towards the center. Very creative.
I think the message is clear. It was whether to believe or not, and I think this was a great topic to write about. It goes in depth, somewhat, but not too deep where it's confusing. You did a good job in doing that.
I think there were some points in the poem where you missed punctuation at the ends of lines. Now, I know lots of poetry doesn't have a whole bunch of commas, periods, etc. But this poem should have more, seeing as there are already a couple lines with some! I'll show you an example for this last stanza.
When you say to believe you,
I can't and you'll see.
I want to believe you,
But I don't believe me.
As I was punctuating this stanza, I also noticed something else you could fix! Add "in" between "believe" and "me". It'll clarify the line up a bit. And, the third and fourth lines in this stanza are a little off. Perhaps line them up with the rest of the stanza?
Although I did find the overall idea a little repetitive (as in, repeating ideas of what you are saying multiple times), it was a satisfying read. I would definitely like to see more from you - I believe you have lots of potential!
Hopefully this review helped you out!

~BlueSunset





And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley