He walked alone for several hours, his screen illuminating his way through the dark cave.
Even though his screen was bright enough to help him see in the cave, it was nowhere
near bright enough to light up his heart. For once, Vox— the almighty media overlord, was filled with anguish.
Vox had to come to terms with the fact that his estranged friend, Alastor, would never accept his partnership. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to change his mind, but he wasn’t too set on the idea of letting Al go. For the time being, Vox plodded through the deep cave, his mind screaming at him from a million different directions.
After a while of walking in the cave, Vox spotted a small glimmer of light– light that was different from the blue gleam emanating from his screen. This light was a captivating shade of green, the same shade of the green glow that danced around Alastor whenever he was making a deal.
Thus, Vox immediately began to approach the green light despite not knowing what it was. Even though he didn’t know what the light was, he knew why he wanted to go near it. Vox wanted the light to fill him with the same ecstasy that he felt when he used to visit the local bar with that smiling freak.
When Vox finally reached the opening that the light emerged from, he was awe-struck. What stood in front of him was a sanctuary of electric green radiowaves, antlered shadows flitting around, vèvès that scream ‘dark magic’, and the air was filled with the sound of static.
Yet, none of this was enough. None of this gave Vox that same fluttering feeling or that feeling of antipathy. It all represented him. It all had something to do with him. But it wasn't him. And as much as Vox would never say it out loud– he just wants his buddy back.
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141,718 Literary Works • 675,606 Reviews
WAIT STOP, I'm embarrassed, I just realized the accidental repetition </333
Oh, and if you haven't seen Hazbin, Vox is the screen! His head is a TV <3
I really liked how this slowly pulled me into Vox’s head. The ending especially got me—the idea that everything around him could represent him and still not actually feel like him was really interesting. The whole green-light scene was so atmospheric too; I could actually picture it while reading. There’s something strangely lonely about this piece, and I really enjoyed that. Great work, honestly!
Tytyty! : DD
Hi there! Let's just get straight into the review!
think you've accidentally added a paragraph break in the middle of the line here!
Also the sentence I've put in bold. You've used an em dash and a comma where it should be two of the same. I would go wish dashes: For once, Vox—the almighty media overlord—was filled with anguish. It just gives a sarcastic epithet a bit of drama.
I see Tikaya pointed this out also, but the two first lines are essentially telling us the same information!
I think here you could tie this inner thinking better into the movement of the scene. Currently, it seems like a pit of exposition to get important information across to us, then you go back to the cave. Perhaps he could be thinking about this as he progresses through the cave?
I'd have loved a bit of description to show the time passing in the cave, rather than just telling us time has passed. You could describe the cave in more detail, or show what he feels as he goes deeper into it!
Here the first two sentences basically say the same thing again. This could be refined to avoid that repetition perhaps something like:
Thus, Vox immediately began to approach the green light, though he had no idea what it was. He only knew why he wanted it: he wanted it to fill him with the same ecstasy he used to feel at the local bar with that smiling freak.
Though do play arounf with it yourself!
I like this ending, it's very strong and intriguing, though it leaves me with many questions asking for more! So I understand this is about a ship between Hazbin Hotel characters, and you'll have to forgive me as i have only ever seen the first episode of Hazbin Hotel, but I think a little more context is needed for non-fans! I really want to know WHY Vox is in the cave in the first place, and what the green light actually is; we're on a cliff hanger at the end so maybe you'll write another piece? I think your writing is strong and with a few edits, this is a really great start!
Ty for taking the time to review! I would've used commas for the dash part, but too many commas start looking wrong to me after awhile, idk why </3 But ty for reviewing!
Oh, and this was for school so I can't go into detail like I wanted to + it couldn't be too long </33
Well I had my eye on this story anyway after all the lovely reviews you’ve written. But Rev’s call to arms spurred me into giving it its due attention right now!
That is a neat description and easily tells us what his screen’s light is coloured too!Oh I am so intrigued. Like I am not TV guy’s biggest fan (I like Alastor, he speaks to me) and I haven’t watched Season 2. But I’m ready to be swayed to the other side :3
Writing tip: Look at your first 2 sentences.
You have his screen illuminate a dark cave. And in the other one the screen is bright enough to let him see the cave.
See how these two sentences basically say the same thing and tell us absolutely nothing new about his surroundings? I’d advise you to give additional details abt his surroundings with the second sentence. Like the bright light flickering over stony walls (like what are the walls made out of? Are they jagged? Smooth? What’s their colour? Is the colour distorted bc the screen light isn’t white?)
I know this is probably a heavy-handed way to tell us that something of Alastor’s (or maybe the demon himself) is over there but I also like the idea that our guy Vox spots a pretty green and immediately thinks of Al :3
Uhm you haven’t really described the cave all this well so I kinda had the idea it is just one long stretched out tunnel with nowhere to go. So him suddenly heading to the light felt more like an inevitability than a conscious choice… Maybe you could either describe the vastness of the cave and that there seems to be nothing in any direction (mb tell us how he knows it’s a cave then?) or lean more into the emotion of spotting this light. That he quickens his steps now that he suddenly has somewhere concrete to go?
That too is a repetition… Again, I feel like you’d get more mileage out of focusing on emotion and hope and expectation rather than just telling us over and over what is plainly obvious =D
This on the other hand works really well. Like, it tells us something about him!
Love the closing paragraph! Colour me intrigued on where you want to go with this~
Ty for taking the time to review! I'm sorry about not being able to go into detail, this was for school & I couldn't make it too long </333