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Young Writers Society



Trapped, Chapter 2...

by 1stViolinS.C.


Renee yawned, and rolled over. She had, surprisingly, slept through the night almost peacefully, which was a relief. She sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Morning,” greeted a voice. She turned to see Will crawling out of his corner. To her surprise, she found that she could see him. She looked up at the tiny window, and saw a strip of bright light streaming through it. She turned back to Will and examined him more closely.

He was taller, thinner, and yet more muscular than she remembered.

His light brown hair had grown out to shoulder-length. There was thick stubble emerging on his cheeks, and there was the beginnings of a beard on his chiin. As she noticed this, he groaned, running a hand over his face.

"I haven't shaved in forever. You haven't somehow sneaked a razor in here, have you?" he said, turning to her hopefully. She laughed, and shook her head.

He sighed comically, but then leaned his head back against the wall with his eyes closed. Renee noticed that there were deep bags under his eyes. However, his piercing blue eyes were still the same as Renee remembered, which she was glad about. As they looked at each other, Renee’s stomach growled. Will smiled. “We’ll be fed in about—oh—” He glanced at the shaft of light falling into the tiny room. “Say, a half an hour.” Renee nodded. They watched each other for a few more minutes. Renee was slightly uncomfortable with this, because she had a suspicion that he was checking her out.

She fidgeted with her torn camisole. It had barely covered her before it became torn and ripped, and now hardly covered anything at all. She stole a glance at him, and watched his eyes travel from her chest--in which area she hadn't been denied anything--down to her long, shapely legs. Renee tugged grimly at her tiny shorts that the gang had made her wear. She was very conscious of the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath her nearly see-through camisole, and of the skimpy lace underwear she had been given. As she thought these things, Will grinned at her.

“Gosh, you look a lot different than I remember, Ella.” She yawned, crawling over to sit beside him.

“How?”

He glanced down at her.

“Well, you’re finally taller than five foot four, for one thing. Another—” here he paused to dodge the swipe she aimed at him— “Another thing is that you look—well—it’s hard to explain, I guess.” He sat back and frowned at her.

“You look really sad. You used to be so bouncy and happy, and now you just look depressed.”

Renee shrugged, staring at the floor.

“Is that all?”

Will grinned now, moving over to bump her shoulder. “Nah. You’re way hotter. I mean come on, have you looked in a mirror lately? Your legs have gotta be about a mile long. And geez, girl--I'm not even gonna try to describe any other places, there's way too many.” Renee slapped him. He laughed, catching her hand in his. “But seriously, Renee. You look so pretty.”

Highly against her will, Renee blushed.

“No, I don’t.” He started to protest, but she cut him off. “I know I don’t. I haven’t taken a shower or bathed in about six months, I’m underweight, and I’ve been beaten. I’ve been taunted, molested, and every other thing that perverted guys do to girls. Last night when I was thrown in here I was given at stomachache and a sore and black and blue chest. I really can’t imagine why you think I’m pretty.” Renee stared at the floor, shuddering as memories flashed through her head of horrible things that had been done to her, things she had been made to do, or things that she had witnessed. But then she felt a warm arm go around her shoulder, chasing back the cold memories.

“Renee, honey, I’m so sorry for all that stuff that happened to you, and if I could knock the lights out of the people who did it to you, I would. But I really think that you look beautiful, gorgeous. Here’s why. First of all, the fact that you even survived all of that stuff makes you pretty sweet, in my opinion. Second of all, even if you are underweight, your eyes still look just exactly like the ocean.” He gazed into those ocean-colored, tear-filled eyes. “Third, you’ve always been the hottest and most stunning girl at Willow Grove. Ask any guy there. Fourth, I don’t care how dirty you are, it can’t cover up how pretty you are on the inside, which shines through to the outside. And fifth—” he reached out, and pulled her onto his lap, and then put a hand on her waist through her ragged and ripped shirt. “Your skin is still as soft as it ever was,” he murmured, putting his face into her neck. Renee frowned.

“You’re making it sound like you’re in love with me.”

Will shrugged.

“I’m just saying what’s true. Ask anybody.”

Renee sighed, and then ran her hands through Will’s tangled hair. He smiled up at her. She rolled her eyes, and then put an arm around his shoulders. However, as she did, she felt bumpy scabs under her skin. With a frown, she pulled herself out of his arms, and then pulled back the collar of his own torn shirt, ignoring how he tensed up as she did so. She stared in horror. His entire back was covered in horrible scars, scabs, and trickles of dried blood.


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77 Reviews


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Sun Sep 06, 2009 3:58 am
EmiAnne wrote a review...



I love love love your story. The two stories flow together very nicely and the characters were compelling and interesting. You may want to explain how Renee got involved with the gang.

“You’re making it sound like you’re in love with me.”
Will shrugged.
“I’m just saying what’s true. Ask anybody.”

After this she just comforts him. Wouldn't she pursue that?
And you have had her described physically alot, but not very much in the way of her motives and character. You could add some of that in the next chapter(s).
Keep going with this!!!!
When you come out with the next chapter, please send me a PM.
<3 Maureen Kelly




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Tue May 05, 2009 11:46 pm
SuzieCake wrote a review...



Hi. I'm Suzie and I'm going to review your work today. =) All of my corrections and comments will be in bold.


1stViolinS.C. wrote:Renee yawned, and rolled over. She had, surprisingly, slept through the night almost peacefully, which was a relief. She sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Morning,” greeted a voice. She turned to see Will crawling out of his corner. To her surprise, she found that she could see him. She looked up at the tiny window, and saw a strip of bright light streaming through it. She turned back to Will and examined him more closely.
He was taller, thinner, and yet more muscular than she remembered.
His light brown hair had grown out to shoulder-length. There was thick stubble emerging on his cheeks, and there was the beginnings of a beard on his chiin. As she noticed this, he groaned, running a hand over his face.
"I haven't shaved in forever. You haven't somehow sneaked a razor in here, have you?" he said, turning to her hopefully. She laughed, and shook her head.
He sighed comically, but then leaned his head back against the wall with his eyes closed. Renee noticed that there were deep bags under his eyes. However, his piercing blue eyes were still the same as Renee remembered, which she was glad about. As they looked at each other, Renee’s stomach growled. Will smiled. “We’ll be fed in about—oh—” He glanced at the shaft of light falling into the tiny room. “Say, a half an hour.” Renee nodded. They watched each other for a few more minutes. Renee was slightly uncomfortable with this, because she had a suspicion that he was checking her out. Why would she think he was checking her out?
She fidgeted with her torn camisole. It had barely covered her before it became torn and ripped, and now hardly covered anything at all. She stole a glance at him, and watched his eyes travel from her chest--in which area she hadn't been denied anything--down to her long, shapely legs. Renee tugged grimly at her tiny shorts that the gang had made her wear. She was very conscious of the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath her nearly see-through camisole, and of the skimpy lace underwear she had been given. As she thought these things, Will grinned at her.
“Gosh, you look a lot different than I remember, Ella.” She yawned, crawling (and crawled instead of that, maybe?)over to sit beside him.
“How?”
He glanced down at her.
“Well, you’re finally taller than five foot four, for one thing. Another—” here he paused to dodge the swipe she aimed at him— “Another thing is that you look—well—it’s hard to explain, I guess.” He sat back and frowned at her.
“You look really sad. You used to be so bouncy and happy, and now you just look depressed.”
Renee shrugged, staring at the floor.
“Is that all?”
Will grinned now, moving over to bump her shoulder. “Nah. You’re way hotter. I mean come on, have you looked in a mirror lately? Your legs have gotta be about a mile long. And geez, girl--I'm not even gonna try to describe any other places, there's way too many.” Renee slapped him. He laughed, catching her hand in his. “But seriously, Renee. You look so pretty.”
Highly against her will, Renee blushed.
“No, I don’t.” He started to protest, but she cut him off. “I know I don’t. I haven’t taken a shower or bathed in about six months, I’m underweight, and I’ve been beaten. I’ve been taunted, molested, and every other thing that perverted guys do to girls. Last night when I was thrown in here I was given at stomachache and a sore and black and blue chest. I really can’t imagine why you think I’m pretty.” Renee stared at the floor, shuddering as memories flashed through her head of horrible things that had been done to her, things she had been made to do, or things that she had witnessed. But then she felt a warm arm go around her shoulder, chasing back the cold memories.
“Renee, honey, I’m so sorry for all that stuff that happened to you, and if I could knock the lights out of the people who did it to you, I would. But I really think that you look beautiful, gorgeous. Here’s why. First of all, the fact that you even survived all of that stuff makes you pretty sweet, in my opinion. Second of all, even if you are underweight, your eyes still look just exactly like the ocean.” He gazed into those ocean-colored, tear-filled eyes. “Third, you’ve always been the hottest and most stunning girl at Willow Grove. Ask any guy there. Fourth, I don’t care how dirty you are, it can’t cover up how pretty you are on the inside, which shines through to the outside. And fifth—” he reached out, and pulled her onto his lap, and then put a hand on her waist through her ragged and ripped shirt. “Your skin is still as soft as it ever was,” he murmured, putting his face into her neck. Renee frowned.
“You’re making it sound like you’re in love with me.”
Will shrugged.
“I’m just saying what’s true. Ask anybody.”
Renee sighed, and then ran her hands through Will’s tangled hair. He smiled up at her. She rolled her eyes, and then put an arm around his shoulders. However, as she did, she felt bumpy scabs under her skin. With a frown, she pulled herself out of his arms, and then pulled back the collar of his own torn shirt, ignoring how he tensed up as she did so. She stared in horror. His entire back was covered in horrible scars, scabs, and trickles of dried blood. Is this really where you're going to end it? I thought it could have had more...




Other than those few little comments I think it was really good.




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Tue May 05, 2009 10:08 pm
Sela Locke wrote a review...



I don't have much to say. But, since I decided I'd post, I might as well say what it is and be done with it. [Warning: I tend to be less bursting with praise and more with frank cynicism. No apologies, thankyouverymuch.]

“No, I don’t.” He started to protest, but she cut him off. “I know I don’t. I haven’t taken a shower or bathed in about six months, I’m underweight, and I’ve been beaten. I’ve been taunted, molested, and every other thing that perverted guys do to girls. Last night when I was thrown in here I was given at stomachache and a sore and black and blue chest. I really can’t imagine why you think I’m pretty.” Renee stared at the floor, shuddering as memories flashed through her head of horrible things that had been done to her, things she had been made to do, or things that she had witnessed. But then she felt a warm arm go around her shoulder, chasing back the cold memories.


This part could be so... dang... interesting! I mean, it would make sense for her not to want to think about it, of course, but - but - I mean, I mean, whoa! All these horrible things, and I, for one, being the sick little child I am, would very much like to know something about what happened to her. Just - if only to make it more real. This way it seems so rushed. The paragraph is all about her saying she's ugly because of how malnourished she is, how she was mistreated and saw all these terrible things, and then suddenly he's got his arm around her and all the bad, bad, bad memowies haff gone aways. Well, that's my opinion on that. Moving on!

Renee sighed, and then ran her hands through Will’s tangled hair. He smiled up at her. She rolled her eyes, and then put an arm around his shoulders. However, as she did, she felt bumpy scabs under her skin. With a frown, she pulled herself out of his arms, and then pulled back the collar of his own torn shirt, ignoring how he tensed up as she did so. She stared in horror. His entire back was covered in horrible scars, scabs, and trickles of dried blood.


Yeah. Okay. Duh. Of course. Did she expect to find teabags growing out of his back?

Okay, okay, I guess such a reaction, even if she knew he'd also been imprisoned and *cough* mistreated, might be okay. I don't like it though. She peeks over his shoulder and sees all this blood and stuff, and there's no, "Oh, gods, Will, what the hell happened? Just, 'Oh, I'm going to make a horrified face now!' Where's the human reaction? Where's the him pulling her back so she doesn't have to see it, or her scrambling away by herself and using her water rations to bathe his honorable wounds? I didn't at all like the way you ended the chapter, t'tell the truth, and hopefully, if I made any sense, you can try ending it, instead, while she's trying to fix him up, or just at a better moment. Please.

Thanks. The only thing I ever apologize for is my senselessness, so if I was being senseless, sozz. If not, you're welcome for the review and I hope to see more - and/or revision of the already-out chapters - soon!

-SELA

P.S. In Cici's review, she tells you to chuck the comma after 'surprisingly.' Don't! It'll be unreadable if you do. ; )




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Tue May 05, 2009 12:58 am



Alright. First I'm gonna say I'm sorry, because I realized that when Renee was put into her cell, it was dark, and she probably couldn't have seen Will. And that's why you are describing him now. So, kudos to you!

I really don't have anything to say, because this chapter/part was good! You improved since the last one. =]

I liked the ending. Now I want to figure out why Will has all those scars and scabs on his back! Good cliff-hanger. =]

Keep writing!
- girlwithquestions




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Tue May 05, 2009 12:56 am
girlwithquestions wrote a review...



Alright. First I'm gonna say I'm sorry, because I realized that when Renee was put into her cell, it was dark, and she probably couldn't have seen Will. And that's why you are describing him now. So, kudos to you!

I really don't have anything to say, because this chapter/part was good! You improved since the last one. =]

I liked the ending. Now I want to figure out why Will has all those scars and scabs on his back! Good cliff-hanger. =]

Keep writing!
- girlwithquestions




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Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:00 am
cjscoot wrote a review...



Hey, it's Cici again. You've improved alot, but there are still some mistakes. This time we'll go in order of the story.

I.

Renee yawned, and rolled over. She had, surprisingly, slept through the night almost peacefully, which was a relief. She sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “Morning,” greeted a voice. She turned to see Will crawling out of his corner. To her surprise, she found that she could see him. She looked up at the tiny window, and saw a strip of bright light streaming through it. She turned back to Will and examined him more closely.


1. Delete the comma after surprisingly.
2. Paragraph after right before "Morning"
3. If she already knows the voice, why do you have to say 'a voice'?
4. You use the word 'surprise' twice. Pick a new word.

II.


He glanced down at her.

“Well, you’re finally taller than five foot four, for one thing. Another—” here he paused to dodge the swipe she aimed at him— “Another thing is that you look—well—it’s hard to explain, I guess.” He sat back and frowned at her.

“You look really sad. You used to be so bouncy and happy, and now you just look depressed.”

Renee shrugged, staring at the floor.


This should all be one paragraph. Make the period after 'I guess.' and, 'at her.' comma's, and delete the spaces between paragraphs.

III.
Second of all, even if you are underweight, your eyes still look just exactly like the ocean.” He gazed into those ocean-colored, tear-filled eyes.


Use a word other than 'ocean', because it gets too confusing.

IV.

His entire back was covered in horrible scars, scabs, and trickles of dried blood.


It sounds like you're saying 'scabs, scabs'. Try to describe how he looks using...

V.

... :smt091 IMAGREY :smt091 !!!! You need to use more of it!

Lastly, I just wanted to say good job! I want to know more, you reeled me in. However, I know you made an honest mistake of making a double 'i' somewhere, but I can't find it. Sorry! Again, PM me when you write more!

Cici :)





The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller