The Beach Summer (revised and longer version)

Ashton trudged across the hot sand. It was Monday, the second week of her summer-long vacation at Surfside Beach, South Carolina. The sun beat down on her head as she spread out her towel in her usual spot. She stretched out, and yawned.

“This is the life,” she told herself. Then, “Yeah right.” She flipped over onto her back. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the beach, tanning, and the sun--she loved it, especially since her family’s home in Ohio wasn’t exactly beach material. It was just that a whole summer of doing nothing wasn’t really that appealing to her. Ashton was an artsy person--she played violin, got paid for doing portraits by being recommended by her art teacher, and sang in her church’s worship band.

“And all of my friends are heartbroken about me being gone for the whole summer. Hah! That’s a laugh! What friends?” Ashton muttered. She grunted, and then rolled over again. Strictly speaking, that wasn’t completely true. Ashton did have three close friends-but that was about it. After about five minutes of grumbling to herself, Ashton finally decided that since she had been at the beach for a week and had only stuck her toes in the water once, now was a good a time as any to get wet. Getting up, she started out towards the water, adjusting her sunglasses as she went. “Gah!” she gasped as the cold water washed over her feet.

Grimly, she pushed her dark blond hair back from her face, and plunged forward, stumbling so quickly through the water that the sand under her feet began to slope down rapidly. The chilly water crept up her legs. She groaned.

Ashton sighed. She would just have to get wet all at once. Taking a deep breath, she headed straight for a large, incoming wave. The water engulfed her, sending her tumbling down to the sand. She hit the sand, and then the wave tossed her toward the beach. As she sat up in the shallow water, sputtering, her sunglasses were swept off of her face. Ashton felt them brush across her arm, and then they were gone. She let out a dizzy moan.

My favorite sunglasses! Ashton mentally slapped herself for being so stupid as to wear them into the water. Choking on the salty water, Ashton struggled to her feet, pushing back her hair and adjusting her polka-dot bikini.

“Wow, you took quite a tumble there, are you all right?” said a clear, feminine voice that was obviously English. Miserably rubbing salt water out of her blue eyes, Ashton looked up and came face to face with a girl who looked about her own age--fourteen.

“Uh--yeah, yeah, I’m totally fine-” the rest of Ashton’s sentence was cut off as she coughed, choking on some salt water that hadn’t left her lungs yet.

“All right?” the girl asked with concern. Ashton nodded. “Um-what’s your name?”

The girl smiled, flashing white, straight teeth. “Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Ellen Manderes. And yours?”

“Ashton Johnson,” replied Ashton.

“Are you from England or something?” Ellen nodded. “I lived there until just a year and a half ago, when I was twelve and a half. It’s a very big change, but I’m getting used to it.”

“Oh, I’m fourteen too,” Ashton said in surprise. “That’s cool.” She ran her gaze over Ellen. She was tall and slender, and had on short jean shorts and a navy blue tankini swimsuit top.

Ellen smiled. “I suppose it is. Oh, by the way, I caught these on my way over here.” She held out Ashton’s sunglasses.

“Thank you!” exclaimed Ashton. “These are my favorite pair.” “Then I’m very glad I saved them,” Ellen told her with a smile.

“Well, I’d better go. I have to babysit my beastly brothers. Little brats. But, anyways, I suppose I’ll see you here tomorrow afternoon? Not that I’m ordering you to come back, of course, it’s just that I see you here quite often,” Ellen explained.

Ashton nodded. “I do come here a lot. Anyways, that’d be great! I’ll look for you.” “Fantastic,” Ellen said. Turning, Ellen ran off up the beach, waving as she went. Ashton started back towards her own towel, and smiled to herself.

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Carlito
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1stViolinS.C. wrote: “This is the life,” she told herself. Then, “Yeah right.”* She flipped over onto her back. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the beach, tanning, and the sun--she loved it, especially since her family’s home in Ohio wasn’t exactly beach material. It was just that a whole summer of doing nothing wasn’t really that appealing to her.* Ashton was an artsy person--she played violin, got paid for doing portraits by being recommended by her art teacher, and sang in her church’s worship band.

*: This sounds kind of awkward to me. Maybe have her think the 'yeah right'.
**: Well, she's not exactly doing nothing spending a summer on a beach would me more than nothing :) Maybe try something like, 'a whole summer of it was really that appealing to her.' You explain what 'it' is in the previous sentence or two so that should be fine.

1stViolinS.C. wrote:“And all of my friends are heartbroken about me being gone for the whole summer. Hah! That’s a laugh! What friends?” Ashton muttered. She grunted, and then rolled over again. Strictly speaking, that wasn’t completely true. Ashton did have three close friends-but that was about it. After about five minutes of grumbling to herself, Ashton finally decided that since she had been at the beach for a week and had only stuck her toes in the water once, now was a good a time as any to get wet. Getting up, she started out towards the water, adjusting her sunglasses as she went. “Gah!” she gasped as the cold water washed over her feet.

This also just sounds kind of awkward to me.
The grumbling to herself part was kind of a stand-out to me. No one grumbled to themselves on a beach for five minutes :)
Also, you don't need to say Ashton all the time. We know she is Ashton. She's the only girl around so you can use 'she' a lot too. :)

1stViolinS.C. wrote:Grimly, she pushed her dark blond hair back from her face, and plunged forward, stumbling so quickly through the water that the sand under her feet began to slope down rapidly. The chilly water crept up her legs. She groaned.

I don't think this is the best choice of words. When I think of grimly I think like, close to death sadness :)

1stViolinS.C. wrote:Ashton sighed. She would just have to get wet all at once. Taking a deep breath, she headed straight for a large, incoming wave. The water engulfed her, sending her tumbling down to the sand. She hit the sand, and then the wave tossed her toward the beach. As she sat up in the shallow water, sputtering, her sunglasses were swept off of her face. Ashton felt them brush across her arm, and then they were gone. She let out a dizzy moan.

You can combine these two sentences to make it flow better.
Try something like, 'tumbling down to the sand; as she hit it a wave tossed her toward the beach.' Or something like that...:)

1stViolinS.C. wrote: My favorite sunglasses! Ashton mentally slapped herself for being so stupid as to wear them into the water. Choking on the salty water, Ashton struggled to her feet, pushing back her hair and adjusting her polka-dot bikini.

This is really anal but this repetition annoys me. The same word in back to back sentences. I know there's not much you can do about it but it stood out to me.

1stViolinS.C. wrote: “Thank you!” exclaimed Ashton. “These are my favorite pair.” ((new paragraph here)) “Then I’m very glad I saved them,” Ellen told her with a smile.


1stViolinS.C. wrote: “Well, I’d better go. I have to babysit my beastly brothers. Little brats. But, anyways, I suppose I’ll see you here tomorrow afternoon? Not that I’m ordering you to come back, of course, it’s just that I see you here quite often,” Ellen explained.

Yes! :D
((That's one of my favorite words, beastly :D))


This was a good start. I liked how well you incorporated what Ashton looked like throughout. You didn't just infodump and say something dumb like 'she loved her long blonde hair and blue eyes and she was wearing her favorite swimsuit today' You just put a little bit here and a little bit there and it worked really well :)

-Carly



When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind