He was an old man. Withered and dry like last autumn’s apple. His cap, pulled down low over his forehead, shadowed his eyes where they dwelt like two pale, blue gems set into a dark cave wall. Or like magic wishing ponds, fountains of life, hidden in that dark, mysterious forest no one could read. A gray, woolen muffler was wrapped snugly around his neck, and his blue – veined hands clasped the paper coffee cup; drinking in the warmth as he drank its contents.
I paused and tossed my dyed blue hair over one shoulder. The air trembled like the frozen birds outside with busy, coffee- shop noises. A group of carolers strolled by and, “Ding, Dong, Ding Dong…” lilted in along with a gust of bitter air and scented peppermint and coffee grounds.
I could see him sitting there. Maybe it was my imagination, but I could see every move he made, and watch his eyes, pale as the winter sky, as they stared off into the distance. I noticed him like no one else did. I knew him like no one else did. In a way, he was me. Fashioned of my mind and my heart and born through my hand. He lived only on my paper, yet I could see him. Maybe it was my imagination, or maybe it was just a bit of magic.
I felt a little sorry for him. He was so exposed. I knew him so well and he could hide nothing from me.
The man glanced up. His eyes flickered back and forth as he watched the customers, caught up in the tiny task of buying a cup of coffee, thinking of nothing else, nor caring for that matter. They were like tiny dollhouse figures, picked and placed, living a life that was not really their own, simply the imagination of the child who moved them.[/i]
Poor old man. He was no more in control of his story than he thought the people in his life were. I watched him as he sat by the window. He stared at each customer as they passed, and his haggard face seemed to grow pained with each one that passed by. Those little ponds in his eyes were no longer still, but they rippled like a penny or a stone had been dropped into them. Trembling, he stood up, knocking over his chair. He reached out and grabbed a man by the arm. “Wake up!” He cried franticly, “Wake up, wake up!”
I watched the frightened man stumble out the door and shuffle quickly away. The old man collapsed to the wooden floor and began to sob piteously. I was frightened too. I glanced at my paper, but the words were not there, as they shouldn’t be, for I had not written them.
The old man looked up. The girl was staring at him. He could tell she was frightened. “You.” He whispered, “You understand.” He smiled. “You’re awake too. I’m not alone.” He stood up and strode toward her.
“No.” I breathed. “You don’t exist. I created you.”
“You think you did,” he said. His blue eyes that, oh, I knew so well, pierced mine like two shafts of electric blue light.
“But who,” he said, “created you? Do you really exist?”
My mouth parted but no words came out. I was utterly and completely shocked.
“Is this real life, or are we just a story, a figment of some other’s imagination?” I stared at him as he spoke. “Like the dollhouse yes.” He continued. A brief flicker of fear shivered through me but it was quickly gone. “I exist.” I said, “I know I do.”
And so do I. I know because I created her. Her and the old man. In a way they are really alive, if only in my imagination, and now yours. But think, reader, and ask yourself this… do we exist? Maybe we are just a glimpse of a child’s imagination. Or maybe, maybe we are just a little bit of magic...
I wrote this in about ten minutes, so the writing is probably not so great, but I sort of liked the idea. Please tell me what you think![i][i]
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Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Wow...this was really something else. I am not sure if I am in awe right now or if I am totally creeped out by tbe possibility you have explored in tbe story. Either way, this was a genuinely good story and I really enjoyed reading it.
I loved the description at the beginning. It paints a rather vivid image of the old man and I love the way you describe things - whether its physical appearances or emotions. You really have a way with your words. Your writing style is incredible and I loved the emotions you evoked in me with just your words. At times, I felt that the descriptions were a tad bit much, but if I am honest, I loved every one of them. You managed to make them eloquent without making them wordy and I like the effect they create in the narration.
The concept itself was so clever and unsettling at the same time. I had never thlught about it like that. It reminded me a bit of the movie 'The Trueman Show', but it still had your own unique touch to it. The desperation that you portrayed through your narration was truly chilling and I could imagine these characters sitting in helpless confusion, trying to establish some kind of identity that works for them.
The ending was especially jarring and the question you posed right at the end is quite thought provoking. It certainly made me sit in deep silence for a while, contemplating things I would not have contemplsted otherwise. There is something deeply moving about this piece. Its incredible and frightening at the same time.
Overall, this was a beautiful and strong story and I wanted to thank you for sharing it with us.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Thanks for the comments everyone. I agree with pretty much everything you've said, thanks for your help!
Wow, this is really cool! The idea is a little unsettling, but very neat in deed. And the whole thing you did with switching the narration is done very well and your descriptions are beautiful and effective.
First criticism: As a general rule on YWS (and a common mistake that new members make [myself included]) is that you have to space your writing out! Example...
Rather than this--
It should be this--
Also, a lot of times you say "the (old) man" when just "he" will do. I will not show all of the instances, but here's one example--
--just read through it your self and you should be able to find them... if not, PM me and I'll help ya.
Here follows a quite nit-picky critique:
--should be one sentence with a comma rather than a period.
--beautiful simile!
--that is a little awkward... just read it to yourself and you'll understand.
--should be a comma after doll house (which, by the way, is two words...).
--I think is should be "But think, reader, and ask yourself this: do we exist?"
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Other than those little things, very good! The dialogue and thought processes are quite realistic and the idea surrealistic... like those pictures of someone holding a picture of someone holding a picture of someone holding a picture...
Very good job on this! Please PM me if you have questions/comments concerning my critique.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
really good, I like it a lot. I only have one sugestion, you do use a lot or descriptive words. try to tone it down, like when describing his eyes, just say shalow pools of darkness, or some thing. but hey thats my oppinion