The Dragon's Game

The Dragon's Game. By: Ashley Ann Costello, and Yenalise De Los Rios.
He had seen the look in her eyes
when he held her hands tightly, speaking calmly, reassuringly. "Your the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, and that will not change even in the after life, I swear this on my life." Sir Stefan, the most known and greatly feared knight spoke softly to his beloved princess Daynalise, In her eyes he saw that she believed him. One day while giving starving village children food for the day one of daynalise's maids rushed towards him through the crowd, her voice shaking with terror as she spoke to him. " Sir Stefan! Oh the horror!" At once he knew something was not right. " What is wrong fair maid?" The maid spoke, breathless, looking as though she were about to faint. " Oh Sir Stefan! She's gone! Someone has kidnapped the princess!" Sir Stefan's eyes widened with shock, " Who? Did you see who did it?" The poor maid could only shake her head as tears ran down her face. " Take care of these children maid, I shall go look for her." With that Sir Stefan swiftly walked away, leaving the villagers whispering to each other, wondering what had happened to their princess.

***************

The night before, as Daynalise had been getting ready for bed she heard a light thud on the floor. Turning quickly to see who it was, she saw a dark silhouette of a large man. She backed away into a corner hoping to be hidden in the complete darkness of the shadows. Suddenly she felt a presence next to her, " Daynalise." A voice chuckled at her. A line of light from the full moon hit the figure next to her, black hair and yellow serpent like eyes met her face, fangs seeming to poke out of the mouth. " W-Who are you?" the princess whispered in a terrified voice, almost as if in a trance like state. The face sneered, " My name is Lucifer." He leaned against the nearby wall, " And your Daynalise, Now that we know each other..why don't you just pack your things and come with me peacfully?" She shook her head, too scared to speak. " I-I won't be going anywhere with-" Daynalise did not have time to finish her sentence as Lucifer had transformed into a giant scaley beast, the hide black, the mouth full of sharp deadly teeth. Its eyes gleaming as it positioned its long dark body to spread its enourmous wings. He sneered as he snatched up Daynalise in his claws before she could even let out a scream. A few moments later he had taken her and flew out of the window, Never taking 'no' for an answer.

***************

Sir Stefan's white steed slowed to a halt as he reached the edge of the thick black forest. He noticed an aperture he could get through just a few yards away. But he soon remebered it would be most difficult to get through, as there was a gaurd who was said to protect the entrance. He walked up to it atop his horse and waited, within a few minutes a large toad hopped up upon a nearby rock, it was about the size of a large dog and the ugliest thing he had ever seen. Suddenly it spoke, surprising him. " What do you want?" it croaked out in a british accent, eyeing him carefully. Sir Stefan cleared his throat," I need to find my princess, Daynalise, she was kidnapped..you wouldnt happen to know the person who did it would you?" The toad did not change his demeanor as he spoke, "State your name. Mine is Burt." " My name is Sir Stefan of Bloodlandia." The toad shifted on his rock, "Sir Stefan, if you wish to press forward and save your dear princess you will first need to answer this question, the answer to my question shall also be the answer to yours..." Sir stefan stood up straightly, " I shall answer any question." The toad seemed to smile as he spoke, " What is...Satan's name?" Sir Stefan was slightly surprised by the question, " Why, Lucifer of course!" Suddenly he froze, realizing just then who had stolen his dear Dayanlise. He should have known from the beginning, as he knew Lucifer had always had feelings for the princess. He tried to move forward but the toad put up a scaley hand to halt him. " Wait..you'll need something.." The toad hopped off the rock and into a bush, coming out he brandished a black dagger,silver blade long and sharp. " If you do battle with Lucifer and win, you must stab him through the chest with this dagger to kill him permanetly, If you do not do this correctly he will only get stronger, he will wake up from a fake repose and continue his reign of terror over these lands. That is..if you actually survive a fight with him." The toad laughed a gravely laugh before throwing the dagger at Sir Stefan and hopping away as Sir Stefan raced onwards.. Only when he had reached deep in the forest did Burt realize what he had done, for you see...Burt worked for Lucifer. With a panicked croak he quickly hopped towards a secret entrance that would lead him quickly and directly to Lucifer's dark castle. Hopping through the doors he saw Lucifer, holding the princess by the neck, Daynalise seeming ready to faint. " Sir Lucy! Sir my lord!" Burt hopped closer as Lucifer swung the princess across the room like a ragdoll, Glaring at Burt. " My name is LUCIFER. What do you want pathetic toad?" Burt bowed again, " My apologies my lord,but Sir, I have let Sir Stefan pass through..with the..the..dagger..." Lucifer stepped forward enraged, changing into his dragon form. " You did what?!" Burt flinched and backed away. " Im so sorry sire! He's on his way, I did not think he would know the answer to the question!" Lucifer snarled, " You idiot!" With an angry growl he puffed a great shower of black fire at Burt, Killing him instantly. Daynalise watched aghast at what was happening before her, Covering her mouth with her hand to hold in a cry. Seeing he was in trouble Lucifer turned to face the princess, " Your next." Daynalise only had time to scream as sharp teeth cut into her flesh, A single tear falling before death draped over her in it's icy embrace.

***************

Sir Stefan had been making his way through the thick tangle of trees on foot, the forest being too thick for his steed to continue on with him. Rage flowed through his blood like hot lava, with every step he planned his revenge on Lucifer for stealing his love. But he also hoped strongly he'd soon be with her again, to embrace her and tell her he loved her again. He stopped when he came to a large expanse of black stone, Lucifer stood in the center, awaiting his arrival in human form. Licking the laste traces of Daynalises's blood from his lips as he smirked. Sir Stefan glared at him, clutching the dagger tightly in his fist. "Where is Dayanlise?" his words spoken acidely through gritted teeth. Lucifer only chuckled and suddenly absconded from thin air. Within a few minutes he appeared again int he same spot, clutching Dayanlise's empty corpse. Laughing he threw her on the floor, Her body lying limply on the ground, holes and blood covering her dress, most of her skin eaten away by Lucifer. "I believe this is your dear Dayanlise? You fool, she could have lived, but you came..so I had to take her for myself. Her flesh was quite delicious, now I'll have you for a snack as well.." he spoke apathetically, laughing when he was done speaking. Sir Stefan was instantly enraged by the look of his lover's corpse. Fury obtaining his mind and body, he lunged at Lucifer with the dagger, A cry of rage escaping his lips. Within minutes it became a brutal bloody fight, they drew blood, slashed, and lunged at each other to the death. Finally, Sir Stefan plunged his dagger into Lucifer's human chest, Lucifer fell instantly to the ground in pain, A few moments later he stopped breathing. Sir Stefan, weak but satsified with getting his revenge, laid himself down beside his lover's corpse after taking the dagger out of Lucifer's chest. " I love you." he whispered to his lover before plunging the dagger into his own chest, determined to keep his promise that he would love her always, even in the afterlife. After death had embraced him in its cold grasp, Lucifer stirred slowly. Suddenly his eyes shot opened and he laughed, getting up he took the dagger out of Sir Stefan's chest, his own wound already healed. Adding yet another scar to the others of those who had tried to defeat him before thousands of years ago. He chuckled again, " Stupid mortals." Of course he was the only one that knew he could never die in his human state. Smirking to himself he transformed into his dragon form and ate his meal, returning to his hell-like structure he turned back into his human form. Sitting upon his thrown, smiling to himself as he awaited his next victims.

~END?~

Comments & reviews · 8
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yanelis1995 Comment

That's exactly the way I had written it before she changed it.. -_-

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EmmaJane
Review

Hi Ashley and Yanelis! Welcome to YWS! (:

Wow, I love the title of this piece. It really drew me to your story, so congrats to whoever thought of that.

Now, the main problem of this piece is the grammar. It's not the best I've ever seen... but that's what us reviewers are here for: to help you improve your writing skills. Casting my eye over the first little bit you have here, I can see several things. Missing capitalism, misapplication of "your" - a personal pet peeve of mine, missing commas and using colours rather than paragraphs to distinguish the dialogue of the different speakers. Since I see these occur throughout, I'll focus only on the first extract.

Dialogue
Okay, please, please, pleeease refrain from using colour in the text of your story. It makes it look horrible and sloppy. By all means go crazy with the title, but you don't want to distract readers and pull them out of your story (as I've seen a few other reviewers say that's what happened to them).
I see you've got green for Stefan, pink for the maid and so on. Not only does the use of coloured text diminish any sense of professionalism, but you need to add paragraphs when a different person is speaking - it's a far better way of distinguishing between which character is saying what. It will also help to break down your huge paragraphs.
Which brings me to my next point, big paragraphs turn possible readers away. No one wants to attempt a huge wall of text. You want to break it down, so that it looks easier to read. And everyone wants to feel they've achieved something.
So...

He had seen the look in her eyes
when he held her hands tightly, speaking calmly, reassuringly. "Your the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, and that will not change even in the after life, I swear this on my life." Sir Stefan, the most known and greatly feared knight spoke softly to his beloved princess Daynalise, In her eyes he saw that she believed him. One day while giving starving village children food for the day one of daynalise's maids rushed towards him through the crowd, her voice shaking with terror as she spoke to him. " Sir Stefan! Oh the horror!" At once he knew something was not right. " What is wrong fair maid?" The maid spoke, breathless, looking as though she were about to faint. " Oh Sir Stefan! She's gone! Someone has kidnapped the princess!" Sir Stefan's eyes widened with shock, " Who? Did you see who did it?" The poor maid could only shake her head as tears ran down her face. " Take care of these children maid, I shall go look for her." With that Sir Stefan swiftly walked away, leaving the villagers whispering to each other, wondering what had happened to their princess.
Should be:
He had seen the look in her eyes when he held her hands tightly, speaking calmly, reassuringly. "Your the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, and that will not change even in the after life, I swear this on my life." Sir Stefan, the most known and greatly feared knight spoke softly to his beloved princess Daynalise, In her eyes he saw that she believed him.
One day while giving starving village children food for the day one of daynalise's maids rushed towards him through the crowd, her voice shaking with terror as she spoke to him. " Sir Stefan! Oh the horror!"
At once he knew something was not right. " What is wrong fair maid?"
The maid spoke, breathless, looking as though she were about to faint. " Oh Sir Stefan! She's gone! Someone has kidnapped the princess!"
Sir Stefan's eyes widened with shock, " Who? Did you see who did it?"
The poor maid could only shake her head as tears ran down her face.
" Take care of these children maid, I shall go look for her." With that Sir Stefan swiftly walked away, leaving the villagers whispering to each other, wondering what had happened to their princess.

Doesn't that look better? It makes your story clearer and you can see who is talking more than what you could in that huge block of text.

You're and Your
You're = you are. She thinks you're smelly.
Your = possessive. Pass me your bag.
A trick I've found that makes it easier to distinguish between the two is to say "you are" in your mind and see if that fits the sentence. If it doesn't, then it's most likely "your" that you need.

And all that missing comma fun
#FF0000 ">RED=suggestions/comments.
#008000 ">GREEN=stuff I think you did well.
He had seen the look in her eyes when he held her hands tightly, speaking calmly, reassuringly. "Your #FF0000 ">You're the first woman I have ever fallen in love with, and that will not change even in the after life, I swear this on my life." Sir Stefan, #008000 ">the most known and greatly feared knight spoke softly to his beloved princess I love this. The way you show how his love for her has made him almost unrecognisable towards her. Daynalise,#FF0000 "> Full-stop since you've got a capital letter following. In her eyes he saw that she believed him. #FF0000 ">I'm confused. Is this a speech tag? It feels like you're repeating what you said in your first line.
One day#FF0000 ">[comma] while giving starving village children food for the day#FF0000 ">[comma] one of #FF0000 ">Daynalise's maids rushed towards him through the crowd, her voice shaking with terror as she spoke to him. " Sir Stefan! Oh the horror!" #FF0000 ">You do this a lot. There shouldn't be a space between the speech mark and whatever comes next. "Sir Stefan!"
At once he knew something was not right. " What is wrong#FF0000 ">[comma] fair maid?"
The maid spoke, breathless, looking as though she were about to faint. " Oh Sir Stefan! She's gone! Someone has kidnapped the princess!"
Sir Stefan's eyes widened with shock, #FF0000 ">should be a full-stop here, as it's not describing the way he speaks next. " Who? Did you see who did it?"
The poor maid could only shake her head as tears ran down her face.
" Take care of these children#FF0000 ">[comma] maid, I shall go look for her." With that Sir Stefan swiftly walked away, #008000 ">leaving the villagers whispering to each other, wondering what had happened to their princess. I love that you've put "their" in. I think that's really well done.


So, yeah. That's why I'm not going to do the whole thing... ;P I'd end up just putting the whole thing in green. (: So, as for the actual concept, I loved it. I think you both have lots of lots of potential, and by the fact you're really getting into your characters (having people draw them - which is always fun to do) is even better. I think you've both done really well: grammar is something everyone struggles with, so don't feel bad or anything. I actually think you've done quite well. (: Just keep an eye on your grammar.

One thing:
it croaked out in a british accent

:O! What's wrong with a British accent! ;P

Hope I helped!

~EmmaJane

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yanelis1995 Comment

Ashley -_- put my name right please its getting annoying.

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1ashleydog Comment

Thank you for your critism. @ Idraxx Im actually going to have someone draw my characters out and hopefully i'll post a link soon [:
I'll try using better colors next time and yes i did make some typos n_n"

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Funkymomo
Review

I think the colored text pulls away from the story and I agree with idraax, the colors can be hard to read. I noticed a lot of details in it ; Instead of saying " The horse stopped," you wrote " Sir stephan's white steed slowed to a halt."

The croaked laughed a gravely laugh
??? What? this doesn't make sense!

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Idraax
Review
Idraax wrote a review · Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:09 pm

First, I love the diferent dialouge colors, although the light pink and greenish yellow are hard to read. Second, " If you do battle with Lucifer and win" this part sounds akward, I think you should put another word between "and" and "win", such as want. This is almost classic fairytale, but with a twist. I love that! I think you can still fit this under short story though, although this is more like a novella, but they don't have that category here. I suggest showing that Lucifer's homosexual because that isn't mentioned in the story. Can you describe what the characters look like a little more in depth please. It would help us readers create an image of them in our heads. Great story, it made me smile.

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1ashleydog Comment

I Hope you all enjoy this. It was made in my eight period english honors class with a friend as a class assignment. It was supposed to be a short story about revenge but ended up being much longer and complexe then we thought!
Here is a list of characters:
Lucifer: A closeted homosexual evil overlord who is really a dragon hybrid bent on causing pain and destruction throughout the land.
Sir Stefan: The goody goody knight, every girl's fantasy and the main character of this story.
Burt: A human who was cursed by Lucifer and now serves as his right hand man. He is revived in book number two which we are currently working on.
Princess Dayanlise: The beautiful princess of the land and lover to Sir Stefan.
Maid: Dayanlise's mother maid



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