Morning drowsiness vacated his head as he walked barefoot towards the sea. Wet sand melted under his every step. He glanced towards the sky and saw the pale yellow sun as it peered from between the heavy cotton clouds and smile above his head. Rays of sunlight played gold on the coffee coloured skin of his hand. He stretched his hands forward to touch the halo it threw around him. Mushy sand sunk his feet in and got stuck to his toes. He wriggled his feet and attempted to shake it off. Garish gold of the rising sun stabbed his eyes. His eyes contemplated skywards. Sun rays emitted fury and scorched his face. He took a deep breath and glanced towards the sea where murky blue water displayed its own turmoil as it furiously crashed into the stones. He squatted on the sticky mud and sighed. I hate this life. He closed his eyes amd tried to distract himself from the thoughts which diffused his brain. Her dying face came before his eyes. Her hairs spread out and face the colour of death. Her dry lips uttered his name over and over again. Her memory sent waves of pain through his body. He opened his eyes, the sun stabbed his pupils. The sky that surrounded the sun had now subdued into angry shades of crimson. It looked as pained as he felt from inside. He was furious with God-The super power, that took away his love. Emptiness pulsated in his life and miseries surrounded him. So, sun boiled everything to submission and declared another day in mourning for HER DEATH!!!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey there!
first of all a late welcome to YWS.
I really enjoyed reading your work. Well done! i really could imagine each adn everything you wrote about. yeah its depressing and all that stuff, but it conveys the feeling of that guy quite beautifully. Beyond the sun- smart choice of words for a tittle. Anyway great job.
never quit writing
Fangirl~
I love this. It's depressing and dark. But it's also full of images that you can visualize. You can really feel his hatred, pain and misery. I'll say it again, loved this.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks a lot for your appreciation %uD83D%uDE0A
Hello, Blaspherica here for a review!
It has been a while since I last review so pardon any mistakes. At first glance, this doesn't seem like an essay - more or less, just a bunch of description that makes sense and seems to be formed into a beginning of a story or something. If you were going to make this into an essay, try finding a point that you want to convey. My English teacher said it best: pick something you hate, and voice some good into it. Mold it so other people can see some good in it, rather than giving out the same details that someone might have already. In my opinion, this seems to be just a story. It doesn't have a hook or something to drag the reader into reading the essay/story. You also don't seem to have any points as to what you are trying to convey to the reader - an essay, to me, is explaining something furthermore.
I feel you could've expanded more onto this. It doesn't feel quite finished - like a bridge going across something. It just wobbles. I feel that this chuck of descriptive words is just hanging in the balance, trying to grasp onto something more. As a suggestion, and you don't have to take it, try expanding more onto what you are trying to say. It seems that this essay thing is more about the sun than anything, and you use personification to describe the sun in more of a "woman" figure.
In the end, you use caps. In my honest opinion, caps are real turn off. They don't bring in the point towards the end and can very misleading. I suggest, if you want to make something pop out, use bold or italics that way when the reader is reading your essay, they can see that that certain word is important.
Overall, I enjoyed this essay. I think you can add more onto this and describe more of your opinion through points and a thesis. Hopefully you take these reasons and make them into something good. Like unpolished garnet. You rub at it until it shines.
If you have any questions, don't hesitant to ask!
~Blaspherica~
Thanku so much for your opinion,
It was my first one so i didn't knew well
Thanks for appreciation, i'll try to do better next time