My walls are covered in all kinds of things.
Old locks, magazine cut-outs, pictures, posters...
Pictures of me in a roller coster!
My mirror is covered with an endless amount of post-its,
stickers, feathers and other crap.
And to make it even finer,
Its got notes written in black eyeliner,
telling me Ive got to be at some diner.
My door used to have all the colors of the rainbow.
All this before my to bright mother,
decided to paint it the color of a burnt bagel.
My furnitures a different story...
and like this poem,
its still in progress of the making...
Its plot line undefined.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello! I really enjoyed this piece, you gave such description that I could imagine the room. But, at times you cut the flow off by rhyming in some stanza's and others, you did not rhyme at all. I believe that this has potential. You are a very good poet. Great job!
Nice job! I really liked the idea but thought that it was a little bit rough.
Like it should be edited more. And be a little more specific in a sense.You know...like your poem was the drawn sketch before you draw in the details of a piece of art. Something like that.
Here I just think that 'things' is too vague a word.
Some punctuation problems. Be sure to double check punctuation and spelling. It's distracting.
And it would be good if you used a bit more imagery and use more specific words. What mirror? A dresser mirror? Is all the stuff on it overlapping? In a nice little grid? Almost heavy with randomness? Is some of it old? New? Why do you have all so much? Is the mirror covered to the point that it's more of a bulletin board than an item used to see yourself in?
Having all the colors of the rainbow is really unique. It would be cool if you address why it had ever been so colorful to begin with.
And this is just my personal preference...but I don't like it when the 'illusion' is taken away from me.(how you mentioned I was reading a poem) it makes me feel more like a third party observer than an actual participant.
And I think the title could have been a bit more creative. 'My Room' doesn't sound very exciting or sad or anything.
Overall you had a good concept, but it lacked clarity. I wasn't quite sure what you were getting at on an emotional level. Nostalgia or sort of just an insight on you.
I'm all done now. I hoped it helped.
Keep writing!
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! As usual, I feel Galerius was a bit extenstive, but I did agree with some of what he said. The rhyming in the first stanza was a little forced, but I feel that it was okay. As far as the second stanza goes, I don't feel that the first two lines are necessary. The following three were excellent though. Removing those two lines would also cause the stanza's length the be consistent with the rest of the poem. Try to keep stanza size the same except for the end. It helps with the flow. You rhymed in some places, but then it went away. If you are going to rhyme, stick with it. I thought that it was a cute poem in general. I like the topic of it and how you gave us a bit of a story instead of a straight up description. Nice job.
Last line is forced because you're trying to rhyme when you do not need to. A rhyme will do nothing for this poem, as it seems to be a simple one anyway designed for yourself and for a bit of nostalgia. Rhyme should have meaning, purpose; don't infuse your poem with an empty one.
I suggest taking out the last line of that first stanza outright. It would make the ending - "posters..." - decent and a good way to travel into the nuances of the rest of your room.
Again, you try too hard to rhyme. The way you say this makes it appear as if you don't care for any of this stuff; if that's the case, don't spend a long line mentioning it. I assume you do feel at least a little for these post-its and such and put in "crap" to rhyme, which is erroneous on your part as it decreases the quality of the poem. Anything forced is never good.
Best stanzas in the poem. Spelling and grammar mistakes aside, this brings an old-country, "Mom and Pop" feel to your room that makes the reader relate to the joy of dusting off a bookshelf to read books you've neglected for a time - things to that extent. The burnt bagel part adds good humor to it.
What is this even supposed to mean? How can furniture have a plot line, or be in the making, or be undefined? I suggest using those characteristics to describe your room itself, not just the furniture in it. That way, you could tie in important symbolism, creating a fluid room that changes as your soul and personality does.
Hope that helped.