I used to be a nonbeliever,
I doubted every notion.
We can’t just slap hearts on a wall,
Or create it with a potion.
-
Love’s not an easy game to play,
And definitely not for kids.
How should we know what to expect,
Or how high we'll raise our bids?
-
Yet now I am hypocrite,
For I have wagered my two cents.
And I've invested my life in this emotion,
Let’s hope that I have sense.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there Timmy!
I have to say that your opening is absolutely brilliant!
I think the "doubted every notion" is what sets the rhythm going and it kind of acts like the grip line too.
I love what you tell me in these two lines. There's a strong effect and it creates a smiley, rhythmic tone but at the same time I can feel that you're trying to come across by saying that "it dun' come easy".
I think the main nitpick I have is with your final stanza. I think some of the lines are too long so the fluency becomes choppy. Work on this and we'll see some good improvements.
Keep writing,
Ben
Hello Timmy,
I like this, it is original and holds its own on this site which is great! It was a nice refreshing break from some of the usual stuff I read. I liked the second staza the most, and I agree with Mo, I wasn't a big fan of the last line, it was okay, so-so I might say. Nothing special, but I liked the rest alot
Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia
Hi Timmy! I liked your poem, so I'm going to write a quick review.
I really like this! It's original, and different from most of the stuff I've read on this site.
I like both the first and second stanzas especially, but I'm not a big fan on the last, I still liked it though.
I didn't particularly enjoy the last line. It was okay, but I didn't like it as much as the rest. Although reading over it again, I'm liking it more.
Good job! Keep writing.
~Mo.
I liked the first stanza the most. While the poem is rather nice as a whole, the first is definitely the best.
Why, though? First of all, even though none of the stanzas managed to keep a constant number of syllables in each line, the first one had the most flow. You might want to look at the quote for all the things I said.
I really don't want to dwell on the technicalities of the poem, because you did such a good job in expressing your emotions. That's probably the only reason I like the poem so much. You did a great job on that.
Basically you did a pretty good job on your poem. You might want to read up on the complicated parts of it, such as flow, but other than that it's solid. Keep writing.
Be warned, I'm a newb and my words may prove fruitless, useless, and lacking in fundamentals.
None-the-less, here's my two-cents.
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say.
Are you trying to get across that you don't really believe what was stated prior to this or that you do and you hope you have enough sense to get out of the current relationship?
I guess upon reflection it becomes more obvious, but when reader's read, they don't want to spend time in interpretation. They want to spend time comparing your words to their lives.
In all seriousness I applaud this poem. I stink at anything on the subject of love.
Heya, Timmy! How're ya? I'm Kat, and I'll do a quick review okay?
Anyway, one thing that is crucial to a poem like this is originality, and boy did you bring it. It had a very good flow, that combined with the good choice of words, made it an easy read!
Why quick? 'Cause there's not much to say! I absolutely adored this. As you must have been told thousands times here, on YWS, this kind of theme is very common because we're all young an din love
There was yet one small thing that bothered me: the punctuations. There were some stop here and there, that made me have to read the above line again to understand why'd you put that kind of punctuation, and that's not good. For a poem to make us feel, we need to keep with the emotion, and distractions and these kind of stops ain't good.
So, an example, shall we?
For example, I simply despite that comma right there. It takes feeling out of the line. How is that possible? No idea on how to explain it to, unfortunately. Suggestion: trade the first comma for a period and leave the last one blank. Not every line needs to have punctuation
From the comma, tot he sense of the first line as a question, tot he capitalized 'To', this made me stop and stare it for a moment xD So, this, for me, an easy fix would be to dis capitalize the 'to', for not every line needs to be capitalized. I'm still shaky about the comma, but I'm hopeful it would work better like that.
So, remember, these are only my opinions, my suggestions! People have the right to disagree, and feel free to ignore them ^.^ Overall, I really liked this. The second and third stanzas were my favourite.
Oh, another thing!
Here, on the last line, the 'it' is a bit confusing. I assume you're referring to love, but you haven't mentioned it yet so it's a bit off-putting. Plus, the line is slightly cliché xD
So, have a good night and keep on the good work!
- Kat
This is my first review so forgive me if I talk rubbish xD
I really like this, its short, sweet and simple whcih works for the poem .
I especially like the two lines
The things that could be done slighty better is in the last stanza you use "I have" which sounds a bit repetitive. just " And I invested" would have worked, but thats just my opinion.
also, in the line "To know what the man forbids" The "the" doesn't really need to be there.
But apart from the little things, I enjoyed this poem.
keep writing
Halycon
Hey, Timmy. Hope you're having a nice day.
Okay, so what I liked about this:
1. It's classic, very nice subject.
2. I love the stanza NO. 2. It's my favorite.
There's more that I like, but on to the harsh part of my review. What I don't like:
1. Stanza two should have a question mark at the end of the last line. So, fix that.
2. You need to use periods, not just commas. End sentences. Don't just use commas, commas, commas.
3. The first stanza and third we're okay, not phenomenal or great.
Well, nice work.
-Mizz