Published June 7, 2010
Up go my barriers again
There's nothing left I can defend,
Given you my heart I would
Now I only wish I could.
-
Words can heal and words can kill
Words are what make my blood spill,
You do what words can and more
But stomped my heart into the floor.
-
Up go my barriers again
No more emotions left to send,
I loved you with all my heart
Now that dream is torn apart.
-
Goodbyes can fade but they can last
Forever more to never pass,
Even with a new hello
My spirits still lay down low.
-
Up went my barriers, way back then
And this time I won't fight them again.
Because this time I'm giving up
I'm out of love, there is no luck.
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141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
This sounds off, you may want to reword it, or drop the rhyme. I am thinking this could be a result of forced rhyming?
It's a little un-flowing (yes, I made a new word.) there, eh? Again you may want to make it flow a bit more.
Although, I did like repetition, it was nice, good job on that.
otherwise no major mistakes were made.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
Hello there
I actually love your poem. It is really deep and I thought you expressed your emotions well though sometimes I thought that they were over exaggerated like,
But that does not matter. I thought your rhyming was not forced which is good and there was a general good flow of words to your idea.
Good job
Hi,
This has a nice rhythm to it and the last line is effective.
I think you're being restricted by your rhyme scheme and it's forcing you to twist your syntax e.g "Given you my heart I would" doesn't make much sense.
I'd cut the flimsy references to the heart, blood, dreams and the spirit and be specific. Show through small, specific images why the speaker feels like this; try not to go for the easy image.
Hope this helps,
Jas