Our field:
Past the tall grass
and through the field,
two lovers lie
and never yield.
In the sun's warmth
The lovers kiss,
With true passion
And magic bliss.
-
And through their day their loving grows,
They do what they couldn't before.
The kisses stop only for breaths
Their lips longing for more.
Everlasting glory of love,
Their lives together will start here.
And the daybreak of tomorrow,
Is the ending that they both fear.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I really love this, it flows really well, apart from the last line, I think you should say magical, I don’t know, you just need another syllable there.
So, I don’t think this stanza flows as well as the first one, but with a couple of alterations, it could. But it’s just my opinion, don’t feel obliged to follow my advice. I think it’s all wonderful, your rhyming doesn’t feel at all forced, and it actually feels original, which is odd for most love poems these days! I hope this was useful! Let me know if you ever need another review.
~Roon
Hey, I love this poem but there is just one thing that doesnt seem quite right and it is this line
You dont need the and.
I think it would read much better as -
The daybreak of tomorrow,
Is the ending they both fear.
Otherwise I love it. In fact I love all your work. Keep writing!!
Hi, I agree with Forest. This just flows, not like some other poems who's words seem forced and thought over.
It seems to me as if you just let your emotions flow through your pencil-or fingers- onto the page-or computer screen-. This was lovely, my friend. An enjoyable read. I hope to see more from you in a later time.
Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns
Hi! This was really great! I was just kind of thinking about stuff like this, you know, a certain tree, a pond, or in this case a field. Your rhyming was really good, and it wasn't a poem that FORCED rhyme, so it was good! Plus, you really showed a lot of emotion about how the lover's feel, and you described the field just enough. Great job!
~Forest