A man stands in a house of mirrors, which one is the real man with the
gun? He tries to escape, the man with the gun follows him through his
reflection. He follows the arrows marking his exit. So close, he
runs. I fire a bullet, mirrors shatter, his image bleeding a thousand
times all around me. Then I realize it's not his image, it's my own,
a ricochet bullet hit the man I was set to kill, but only one man was
in the house of reflections, and it was me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Well, it's unconventional for a poem. There's a handful of rough spots, but overall I like it. The setting is interesting, and you convey the sense of urgency quite nicely.
The final line is a little too direct. If you want to get your point across, fine, but the way you used the commas harmed it. There should be more of a "stop–sign" punctuation mark after "own" and "kill"; a period would probably work best. I suggest this because otherwise the sentence feels rushed.
There are two phrases I like immensely:
Overall, I think it's decent. Thanks for sharing this with us.
–antimelrose
I really liked it! But yeah it was a bit confusing at first, but otherwise I enjoyed it!
Keep up the good work!
It was confusing a bit, but i got it in the end.. This man's got talent for writing poems and stuff.
Cool! It has a confusing feel about it, but it didn't really confuse me, if you know what I mean? (I think it's a good thing.
)
I really enjoyed reading this, especially the fact that you portrayed the confusion of the piece, and the way you tell the piece from an outsider, but then you are everyone in the story. Lol, I'm confusing myself. Anyway, it was good!
I very much liked this, thanks for posting!
Keep writing!
~Mo.
Hello. I don't think this makes sense. it's quite lazily constructed as a story using a thin metaphor to disguise the fact it doesn't work. Why wouldn't he realise that he's watching himself in the mirror? Why does the perspective change from one man to the other when they are the same person, this is too schizophrenic. "He runs, i fire a bullet" How can this possible occur simultaneously when they're the same character. It's not a bad idea but it needs to be done better if you developed it it could make sense, you can't just try and be abstract and hope that people will see things in the story that aren't there. Sorry i don't mean to be harsh but i didn't get this at all.
Wow, that poems deep.
I don't know what you were trying to convey, and I know like you said you weren't writing to convey any emotion. I love the hidden meaning (that I see anyway) of a man fighting with himself, and who doesn't realise it until it destroys him; and also the way you expressed that through action.
I know you said that it wasn't meant to be posted in poetry, but if changed it a bit and put it into verses to make it flow then you could have a really good poem -- in my opinion.
Hi!
I like the first bit - about the man and the mirror. It adds some mystery to the whole thing. I have a few suggestions, though.
Maybe it should be "escape;" with a simicolon.
This is a bit confusing, because later on, you youse 'I'. Maybe change the 'him' and 'his' in this bit to 'I' and 'me'.
"I follow"?
Another confusing bit, the man or you? In the beginning, it was the stranger in the mirror who had the gun. Now you do. Think about that.
That is a nice ending, but maybe you could play around with re-wording it. It's a bit cobbled together like this, and doesn't have the dramatic force it has the potential for.
All and all, pretty good.
-Kelcia
I think I see what's going on in this story. It's not what the words are saying, or the picture it puts in your mins, bur what's underneath it. A man hunting down the antagonist blocking his goal, and in the end he realizes he is his greatest obstacle... Deep man
I can take a critique, but I was just aiming to see how the audience interpreted it. A mirror is symbolism for imagination and also truth, so a house of mirrors was really my way of seeing what the audience saw in it for themselves...
This isn't a poem either... I posted it in other fiction but it was moved...
Actually, you "close up" our minds. And learn to take a critique. Oh, and we don't ask for a story, but poem.
If I elaborated on the story, you wouldn't get the same feel. The problem with being a peer editor/reviewer of poetry and other works which try to convey emotion is that sometimes it just doesn't get through. If one were to write a message that conveyed to EVERYONE in the world, they would have surely died before they thought of one. I don't want to explain myself for why I wrote this story the way I did because then people say, "Make sure we knew that in your story.". I don't write to explain, I write to open up our minds...
Since you haven't got a review yet, let me tear this up. First, explain us who is this man in the first verse (or should I call it line)? "A man" sounds so mysteriously and as a lyric subject is not elaborated enough. Your use of the comma in the first line is unjustified - if you want to put a comma, put "but" in the beginning of the complex sentence. Also you're using to much that personal pronoun he. Then you suddenly came in. Too suddenly, almost like a shock. Don't get me wrong, shock is fine, but the whole idea is not because you didn't connect the sentences with anything. I would go like: "As he follows the arrows marking his exit, I fire a bullet and the mirror shatter..." Now I noticed how all the pauses (reached with periods and commas) just cripple your rhythm. The last sentence is too long and too complicated. I mean, I get it, but it's just a downward spiral of conclusions, plots and stories. This supposed to be a poem, not a story, so it would be probably better for you to rely on reflection rather than action. Also, you didn't mentioned why you were set to kill that man. All in all, this was too complicated for me. I guess you will be lucky with other reviewers.
Wow, thats really good! I had to read it twice, the first time I was a little confused, but I think that's just the flavor of the piece. I like it!
Woah......That was really good! It was only a paragraph but still that was really good!