What happened to the way things were,
How the sunsets all seemed beautiful,
Yet now they pass without my knowledge,
Now that I have to be so dutiful.
-
What happened to running through the sand,
And not looking back at the prints,
Yet now I can’t see anywhere but the past,
And the happenings ever since.
-
What happened to those friendships I had,
How they all seemed so invincible,
Yet now they live but only in my dreams,
Now that fate’s enacted this principle.
-
Where did everything turn so wrong,
When did life become so obscure,
What makes this all so possible,
Why can’t I find the cure?
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I'm not sure why, but this poem made me cry. Like literally, my tears flowing freely. I feel so sad and lost after reading it. It's mostly because that's how I feel, I suppose. And it makes me depressed that I am like that.
I have nothing to say other than that and that this is a nice poem.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Hey timmy,
I'm Ben, here's some of my thoughts... Firstly what a brilliant way to start!
A lot of people can associate with this, the idea of memories and the idea that you can't experience the "good times" anymore because of your duties, work, blah and blah! Not very specific in terms of reviewing, but hey
I'm not sure about this...
It doesn't really flow or sound right and I'd consider revising it. The word: "Prints" seems completely out of place even though it conveys the right image to fit in, the actual language and rhythm of the word doesn't. Maybe you were just trying to make it rhyme with "since?" I don't know, but it needs a good edit in my opinion.
Needless to say you've ended this poem perfectly.
I love how you've engaged the reader with the questions and they don't associate this with the mystery regarding the poem's voice, but they feel themselves asking themselves these questions and this shows you've built this emotional bridge with your poetry and your structure/language has evidently caused a reader's response.
Ben.
That's kinda ironic for you because I was jewish before I was athiest LOL. It's not a story I'm telling, if it was it would be in the narrative poetry section. Since this is not a story, a conclusion isn't really necessary, but I was more trying to have the reader relate to the subject and in the end, ask themselves... Just a fun way of writing
Hehe! Yeah, a lot of writers here are atheist, but fortunately most know about or have read the bible... it's really good knowledge to have when you're analyzing some of the great poetry in this world!
Anyway, I didn't say you have to make it an ode to God or whatever. I just said it was like the psalms. The psalmists would conclude it with a prayer... I can link you to some psalms that are sort of like your poem, if you want to You don't have to, of course, but there are no conclusions to it and it seems largely unfinished. If a friend were to ask a bunch of questions in front of you, you would probably feel obligated to answer them in some form, even if it's just to say, "I'm sorry, I don't know." If there was no response, it would be awkward. Same thing with poetry! And awkward poetry, in general, is something to avoid. Give it a conclusion... it'll be much better, trust me.
Ahem... I'm athiest...
Hey Timmy!
Right now, these poems kind of remind me of the psalms (bible thing, if you're not familiar with it). That's not a bad thing, but there's a missing part! You never actually resolve this issue. You ask plenty of questions and don't stop and say, "This is what I've noticed" (except put in a much more poetic way than that). Like, with the psalms, after each lamentations or questioning of God, there was some sort of prayer to God or whatever which concluded the poem. Anyway, at the moment, your poem seems largely unfinished. So come up with a conclusion! It'll seem much stronger as a result.