Five bikers side by side,
Ride out into the night.
Engines revving helmets off,
Ready for a bloody fight.
Into the city the cycles ride,
Not one wavers even a slight.
Night time city filled with people,
Streets and stores glowing with light.
Five bikers ride on forward,
Accelerate full speed through the town.
Beating the odds again and again,
Not one cyclist slowing down.
With no car hit,
With no civilian collided,
Cyclists zoom through civilization,
In peoples ears the proof provided.
People look around but cannot see,
Five cyclists ride out of town.
The noisy motors that seem to be,
Fade with the night as the sun rises down.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
I said "The sun rises down" to kinda emphasize the point that they're not what they seem to be
As said before, I would have never guessed this was about ghost bikers...there were somethings that I really wanted to know, like how did they die? Also, this might just be me, but you used the word cyclist three times and in my mind I get images of bicyclist, not motorcyclists. Even after I knew you what you meant.
The sun doesn't rise down now does it? That's a bit of an oxymoron, so maybe try "Set down", or "touches down"Keep writing!
~Hope
Tiiiiimmmy,
I hope that doesn't sound like a brain-craving zombie...
I liked your other poem! So, naturally, I was quite delighted to find out that you had posted this, and to show my joy, I shall shred it like a happy kitten shreds newspaper. =D
And to begin, I totally knew that you were not talking about literal bikers, though I didn't guess ghosts offhand. Totally en suite, though, because it's got that suspicious quality to it.
Comma after revving!
Cycles... Cycles sounds like it should be cyclers to me! But, is that even a word? I think it is, I just don't think I am spelling it right, because it looks absurd.
Nonetheless, I think the second line is boring -- implied, because you don't mention that fear, or any other outward emotion is present. Could totally be done without, though I understand it's a bed for rhyme.
Here, I think accelerating would work better, because the problem I am having is that this is taking its time, being all its little narrative beauty -- which is beautiful, but slow -- and I'm waiting for the punch and it's taking too long, you know?
So, what I would recomeeeend, if cutting back the excess fat, like all of those narration bits, which may or may not involve killing whole lines, and inject the empty spaces with livelier vocabulary.
\
I don't like the usage of "with"; both lines would be better with out it. In fact, I would suggest combining the two first and pasting another first line, perhaps something about speeds that indicates that it would be likely that they would hit, or something!
And cyclists. Bingo. That's the word I was looking for up there.
(Yeah, if you can't tell, the right parts of my brain spontaneously combust at the wrong times. )
Good! But I am wondering, can they hear the motors, or just the sound of something moving by?
*
So, overall, this was pretty nice. As I stated, I would recommend cleaning up the narrative so that it's less repetitive, more concise, and elaborating on things a little more to fill up, because you pretty much state things in some spots and go back to reinforce them and that kind of clogs up the ways of things. -takes deep breath-
On the whole, a nice little poem. Keep writing, Tim.
June
Hey Timmy!
Inhave to agree with Icicle in that I didn't know the riders you were talking about were ghosts until you explained that. Why not either add a new paragraph or adapt a current one to make it more clear for the reader?
I'm not too bothered by the rhyme scheme, but I really think that you can express yourself so much more freely using free-form poetry. Give it a try!
~Amy
Hey, Timmy! Interesting poem. But I could not tell they were supposed to be ghost, until you explained later on. So, you may want to make that part a bit more clear in your poem.
Also, the rhyming seems too forced. You don't have to rhyme poems if you feel it restricts your choice of words. Of course, if you can manage rhyming it without jeopardizing the meaning and beauty of the poem, major kudos to you. I still struggle with that.
Keep reading and writing poetry, and you'll be a pro. Good luck!
Oh, they are supposed to be ghosts? Well that changes things. Make that more clear though because just because you know that doesn't mean I do
~peanut~
I didn't really make a point clear enough that they're ghosts.
Hi Timmy, I'm Sarah
.
First off I saw some missing commas.
Just two commas, you have to be careful about those.
That Fade should be fading to be in context with the rest of the sentence also there shouldn't be a comma because you don't need to pause there.
One thing I didn't really understand was the part about the cyclists not hitting people or cars. If someone always rides a motorcycle they wouldn't hit people. I'm just saying, that part stood out for me.
Hope I helped.
~peanut~