Young Writers Society

Hey there!
Let us begin with the review. I must say I felt a little underwhelmed by your poem. Right from the onset, the missing punctuation marks spoiled the effect. I understand if you have certain attachment to the poem and do not want to edit it at all. But I must point out that which I feel needs improvement. Your rhyming scheme is abab throughout the poem. But the first paragraph itself does not follow the rule. The words 'sound' and 'down' do not rhyme, nor 'chatter' and 'laughter'. The 'please' in line 12 can be omitted. In the fourth para, the idea does not click. It is asked to not speak. Yet the narrator says speaking is not for the weak as if implying something. The last line is a weak attempt at filling up, and just there for the sake of rhyme. The concept of the poem is very well thought of and mature. With a thorough editing, this can be an excellent poem. As of now, I rate it as good given you put proper punctuation (please, the commas).
Keep writing and have fun.

G'day, Pinkrose! Manilla here for a review. As usual, I'm going to get the nitpicky things out of the way first.

"Left foot, right foot head stays down..."

"You can never stray

Just continue doing the same

or you will get lost in the hallway..."

Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed not helpful. If I offend, I apologize. It is not intentional. That being said.


Thanks for sharing this poem about someone who is telling someone else not to do certain things. It becomes quite obvious from the very first stanza that the speaker means to cause harm. After all, he or it declares very clearly that listening to the advice will deprive the person of freedom. So that statement should set the tone for whatever comes next regardless of how inoffensive or seemingly helpful tone might seem.

In short, the poem is a demonstration on what NOT to do. A verbal ironic display of saying one thing and meaning another. What I like about it is that this is made perfectly clear at the outset in order to prevent misunderstanding although it could have been written without revealing the speaker’s true intention and left it up the reader to infer it from the content alone.

A very interesting read indeed! Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Suggestions

stay [within] your head

Left foot, right foot[,]

Contractions

Please listen to what [I’ve] said.
[Don’t]dare make a sound.

[Contractions will make the certain sentences flow smoother.]

Hello 123pinkrose! c: Cat here for a quick review! Let's get started then, shall we?

Clarity
There is no mistaking on the speakers message, although I do have to say that it is a sad one! It is practically the opposite of the truth. The way it started, I thought it would be a poem about how you have to keep going, but that it not that case. As it went further on, I thought it was going to be the speaker as the person who was advising the reader, but it turned out to be someone else talking to this person. Either way, the poem is speaking about the opposite of the truth, or at least what I believe.

Flow
Your flow is almost magical and song-like but there are a few spots where I stumbled and it was ruined a tad.

Listen to the gentle cacophony of chatter

Or you will be in a place filled with fear

That listening to me will keep you from being free

Don't worry I'm on your side

That listening to me will keep you from being free

Left foot right foot, continue to walk

Do not ever try to stop

Left foot right foot, continue to walk

Do not ever try to stop

This review courtesy of

Hiya, Violet here to review!

What I like most about your poem is the steady rhythm and beat. It flows very nicely.

I like the message of the poem. Just keep walking one more step, although the last stanza is all that makes sense to me. ¨Don´t be yourself and fight?¨ I did not understand that. What I got was be someone you´re not and fight for us and not yourself.


Nevertheless, I love this! Great job and please do more.