Left foot, right foot head stays down
Listen to the gentle cacophony of chatter
Do not dare make a sound
Do not join their laughter
-
Left foot, right foot focus on the lane
You can never stray
Just continue doing the same
or you will get lost in the hallway
-
Left foot, right foot stay within your head
dream about a day not here
Please listen to what I have said
Or you will be in a place filled with fear
-
Left foot, right foot never speak
because they will hate you
and it's not for the weak
It's true, would I ever lie to you
-
Left foot, right foot don't live your life
Just be shy and try to hide
Don't be yourself and fight
Don't worry, I'm on your side
-
Left foot, right foot follow where I go.
You know that you belong with me
Too bad that you'll never know
That you can't be free of me
-
Left foot, right foot, continue to walk
Do not ever try to stop
Left foot right foot, continue to walk
You are not able to stop
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,870 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hey there!
Let us begin with the review. I must say I felt a little underwhelmed by your poem. Right from the onset, the missing punctuation marks spoiled the effect. I understand if you have certain attachment to the poem and do not want to edit it at all. But I must point out that which I feel needs improvement. Your rhyming scheme is abab throughout the poem. But the first paragraph itself does not follow the rule. The words 'sound' and 'down' do not rhyme, nor 'chatter' and 'laughter'. The 'please' in line 12 can be omitted. In the fourth para, the idea does not click. It is asked to not speak. Yet the narrator says speaking is not for the weak as if implying something. The last line is a weak attempt at filling up, and just there for the sake of rhyme. The concept of the poem is very well thought of and mature. With a thorough editing, this can be an excellent poem. As of now, I rate it as good given you put proper punctuation (please, the commas).
Keep writing and have fun.
G'day, Pinkrose! Manilla here for a review. As usual, I'm going to get the nitpicky things out of the way first.
I think that putting a comma after "right foot" would make the flow of your poem a lot smoother.
Next thing - The rhymes and repetition in this poem are in need of minor improvement.
I'm not saying getting lost in a hallway is a bad thing, but I'm sure that you could go for something else that still rhymed with "stray" or a word with a similar meaning. The part I do like is the repeated "Left foot right foot" part that starts every stanza. The repetition in the final stanza is strong and concluding, and finishing it off with a period would be a small suggestion of mine.
Otherwise, the voice of this poem was very...interesting. I feel like the voice of the poem is telling you what not to do, but at the same time, it's implied that you should do those things. This element adds suspense - Which is good for this type of poem.
Continue writing - This piece looks promising.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any unhelpful or rude comments.)
Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to reject any suggestion deemed not helpful. If I offend, I apologize. It is not intentional. That being said.
Thanks for sharing this poem about someone who is telling someone else not to do certain things. It becomes quite obvious from the very first stanza that the speaker means to cause harm. After all, he or it declares very clearly that listening to the advice will deprive the person of freedom. So that statement should set the tone for whatever comes next regardless of how inoffensive or seemingly helpful tone might seem.
In short, the poem is a demonstration on what NOT to do. A verbal ironic display of saying one thing and meaning another. What I like about it is that this is made perfectly clear at the outset in order to prevent misunderstanding although it could have been written without revealing the speaker’s true intention and left it up the reader to infer it from the content alone.
A very interesting read indeed! Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Suggestions
stay [within] your head
Left foot, right foot[,]
Contractions
Please listen to what [I’ve] said.
[Don’t]dare make a sound.
[Contractions will make the certain sentences flow smoother.]
Hello 123pinkrose! c: Cat here for a quick review! Let's get started then, shall we?
This isn't so much of a problem as a personal thing; I don't know what this word is, so I had to look it up, which disrupted my reading. Don't change it though, it is a wonderful word that expresses a lot. Just remember to think about your target audience; if the audience most likely doesn't know the word, it will disrupt them.Clarity
There is no mistaking on the speakers message, although I do have to say that it is a sad one! It is practically the opposite of the truth. The way it started, I thought it would be a poem about how you have to keep going, but that it not that case. As it went further on, I thought it was going to be the speaker as the person who was advising the reader, but it turned out to be someone else talking to this person. Either way, the poem is speaking about the opposite of the truth, or at least what I believe.
Flow
Your flow is almost magical and song-like but there are a few spots where I stumbled and it was ruined a tad.
Just the last word feels off in the stanza, I would choose maybe dread? (Haha it rhymes I didn't mean to do that lol) If that word doesn't give the meaning you want, just look up some synonyms; I'm sure there's one that fits the flow and word meaning.
I feel like this line should be separated into two lines, but I know this ruins the lines-per-stanza thing you have going. It just feels like you are trying to mush too much into one line and it disrupts my flow.
Imagery
There, but could be better. I say this a lot, but a little figurative language goes a long way. I love being able to picture what is going on in the scene, even though this is not exactly a scene.
Emotion
I've literally said this in every review today, but it's true. You can tell if the author put a lot of emotions into a work, and I think yours is lacking just a touch. It's also one of those thing that is hard to advise how to fix, so for now I'll just say add a few more words that hold a lot of meaning for the speaker.
Specific line thoughts
At the beginning of each stanza you say "Left foot, right foot ___" In my personal opinion, I think you should have the "Left foot, right foot" start the stanza, and then begin a new line with the rest of the blank. If you don't want to do that, at least add a comma after "right foot". Also in every line like this besides the first one, you forgot a comma after "Left foot".
Comma after "Don't worry".
In the stanza this line is in, it consists of mostly short lines, and then you have this really long one. Personally, it is too long for me, but I'm not sure how to help you fix it without making a new line and throwing off your lines-per-stanza- count.
This is the only stanza that repeats itself, and to be honest, it kind of bugs me. I'm sure you could write two more lines for this stanza to be like the others. It's probably just a personal thing though.
Overall, an amazing song-like poem! Great work and keep writing! c:
~Cat
Hiya, Violet here to review!
What I like most about your poem is the steady rhythm and beat. It flows very nicely.
I like the message of the poem. Just keep walking one more step, although the last stanza is all that makes sense to me. ¨Don´t be yourself and fight?¨ I did not understand that. What I got was be someone you´re not and fight for us and not yourself.
Nevertheless, I love this! Great job and please do more.