A City Alone

by 10FeetUnder

Published June 14, 2013

12+ Violence

In short stories

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He walked slowly, dragging his feet along with each painful step knowing he had failed. The bones rattled each time his foot hit the ground. As my last duty as the captain of guard he thought, I would bring back the bones I failed to protect to my king. The trees did not help with his dread. The bare white dead limbs sticking out as to remind him of the bones he was carrying on his back. All he could think of was how he was going to tell his king, his liege lord, how he could not even find the murderer of his son. As he sulked he heard a noise, a snap of a branch not far behind him. He whirled to see what was following him in this dead forest only to find nothing but trees. As he turned back something struck him in the chest. A sharp pain rippled through his body as he fell to his knees. He looked down in astonishment to find the shaft of an arrow sticking out of his chest; it had gone in between the links of mail to spill what was left of his strength onto his tunic underneath. As he looked up a figure dropped down from a tree not twenty yard away. It was clutching a bow in its hand and looked similar to the creature who murdered Prince Nicholas, but its right arm was still there. As he struggled to free his sword from its scarab to defend himself he heard the sound of footsteps and not only one pair but many. He looked up to find the thing with the bow had another arrow ready to fly but all around it he could see shadows moving amongst the trees. He watched for that was all he could do, as more of them came out of their hiding places in the trees. Their red eyes staring at him unblinking as they closed in on him with fire hardened wooden spears. At last freeing his sword he got it up just in time to have the first of them charge him with a screech that brought him back to the night this all started.           

Our city is the last in existence according to history keepers and the master of intelligence. After destruction was brought to the old world, our ancestors built this city to protect humanity. With walls a hundred meters high and two layers thick. I should know because it is my job to protect this city from what I do not know he mused, but my duty as captain of the guard is to protect our borders and the royal family, along with keeping the peace. Some say I get paid for doing nothing and I would argue if it wasn’t true, he thought. Crime almost never occurs not since a hundred years ago when peasants in the city were rioting over low food rations where kicked out of the city to die in the forbidden lands by King Anderson II. At that time things were as bad as they were in the beginning. All farms had to be moved to the center of the city for the clouds of sickness where poisoning them and peasants were going as far as to raid the farms to get food. People started to leave the city because of the low food stores. They said they’d take their chances in the forbidden lands, only to come back sick and dying begging the King’s forgiveness and help. No has left since then too afraid of what lies beyond and the fate of those who did not come back. We were alone but peaceful. Sort of like a utopia but with no one to share it with. Some history keepers believe that their once, before our time in the old world there were stoves that did not require fire to cook and lamps that required no fire to light them and homes were heated not by a  hearth. These tales though are believed to be myths and if it was true the creation of such are long forgotten. This was known to every captain of guard there ever was. The history of our city was crude one always focused on survival, Captain Damon thought as he strode from the captains office.

When he made his last rounds of patrol, it was well past midnight. As he passed his liege lords chambers he peeked inside to check on the King and Queen, both asleep in each other’s arms. As he slides the heavy oak door shut there was a faint noise that only could have been heard in the silence of night. It came from Prince Nicholas’s room at the far end of the hallway. He drew his steel and crept towards the door and put his ear to the oak to hear what the commotion was inside. There was silence, then sound of muffled screams and a loud thump. That was I all needed to hear, he decided. He took a step back and burst into the room with a crack, sword in hand ready to defend his Prince only to be stopped dead mid stride. There he found Prince Nicholas in his window with the shutters thrown open being held by some….. thing. It had two blood red eyes, the right larger than the left. It was crouching, but its knees bent the wrong way. It was bare foot, wearing nothing but the remains of brown breeches. It’s skin was like of worn leather. It was carrying Nicholas’s limp body in its left arm for his right was not there, either torn off or had not ever been there at all, he could not tell. It stood there staring a dead stare till he regained his wits and lurched forward to protect the Prince only to have it open it’s mouth unnaturally wide to bear monstrously sharp crooked teeth and let lose a blood curdling scream. He stood there frozen in fear. The moment it was finished it launched from the window with Nicholas in his arm. Finally mustering up enough courage to move he walked timidly to the window, just in time to glimpse the creature making off over the wall into the forbidden lands with Nicholas in his arm. Before it entered he looked back with those dead red eyes; then it bolted into the bear trees. The King and Queen were wakened a few moments later along with the rest of the castle, the Kings was in a fiery rage and the Queen was sobbing nosily on her missing son’s bed. All the while he stood there with a face hard as stone. While the Queen sobbed and the King screamed curses at the creature, the other Guards and especially Damon. How I could have been such a coward he thought, it had no weapon and one arm and still I hesitated, twice! He could have struck it down and saved Prince Nicholas or at the very least called for the other guard patrolling that night, but instead he stood there frozen in fear by some unknown thing. All the while thinking of how it was his fault, his duty to protect the city and especially the royal family! …… “Damon! Damon! Did you hear me Damon get out of my sight I’m done with you, now go before I decide to lop off that cowards head of yours!” the King screamed.

“Yes your grace” Damon mumbled to the floor as he bowed and headed towards the door.

As he stepped past the ruin he made of the heavy oaken door he shouldered a man trying to pass through the same entrance.

“Pardons m’lord,” he said with embarrassment creeping up his neck when he noticed who he hit. It was a slender man with a long mustache that hid his lips; he had a green tunic on and a greener cloak upon his back with his symbol sewn onto his chest. It was a dark figure walking towards a green forest representing those who walked into the forest and never came back for, his ancestors were one of the lucky ones who lived after they returned.

“Oh it is quite alright Captain” he said as he smoothed his tunic, “I know your mind is too preoccupied with other things than to watch where you are going, for example how you lost the heir to the throne.

“I beg your pardon Lord Carter my mind was preoccupied,” Damon said with cold courtesy.

“Well on with you then and try not to lose any more of the royal family,” he said mimicking the same coolness in his tone.      

As he walked through the castle he decided to leave instead of going to his office since he could not stomach to be in the same place as where he had failed. He walked past the gates getting sullen stares from the guards manning it. As he strode into town word had already reached the common folk on what happen to their dear Prince and who was responsible for guarding him. He walked past the angry faces of people in their wood and straw stores and clenched fists of men and women walking to their dirt and stone homes. He quickened his pace to escape the judgment of those he swore to protect. I had failed them as well he realized, as he walked alone in an alleyway.

By the time it got dark he was too ashamed to go home to his wife and family so he found a corner that was mostly dry and had the least amount of filth in it and laid his head down to rest. When he finally passed out from exhaustion he was woken a few hours later still in the dead of night, by a short skinny figure in a robe of red velvet with golden lining with his face hidden by a hood. “Take him” he said to the two men on either side of him that he had not noticed before. With that one hit him on the head with some sort bludgeon and he was unconscious yet again.

When he woke he was in the castle again, he was lying on his straw bed. There was the man again sitting at his desk with a flask of wine and two cups. He had skinny long face with a long mustache that hid his lips. I know this man he thought. It was Lord Carter a member of the Kings council. “Would you care for a drink” he said smiling his lazy smile.

“What is the meaning of you bringing me here Lord Carter?” he asked more depressed then angry.

“I have brought you here to remind you of your duties Captain Damon for you have seem to have forgotten then.” He japed.

“I have forgotten nothing, I have only failed them” Damon said sullenly.

“That is where you are mistaken for you still have the duty of protecting the royal family, do you not.”

“Yes” he answered.

“Well as far as you have told our sweet Prince Nicholas is not dead, only taken by the hideous creature you have described” Carter said so matter of fact, like it was nothing at all.

“But…..”

“But what Captain Damon? As far as you know the boy is still alive so do your duty and go out and find him.” 

“Anyone who goes into the forbidden lands comes back sick and dying, you of all people know this” he said impatiently.

“Well if you bring him back before he dies maybe we can cure him, we do have excellent healers you know.”

Damon stuttered “That is no easy task my lord, I….”

“I do not have time for your excuses captain I am a very busy man now go and do your duty before its too late and you really have failed his grace” As quick as he had gotten here Lord Carter left the room with his robe swirling behind him. He sat there for a moment, he did not like how Carter was taking so much interest in his job but he knew he was right.

He briskly walked from his Captains chambers, with his rings of mail and helm donned and with his sword well honed he headed to the outer gates. While walking through the cobblestone streets the common folk to a great interest in what he was doing so they left what they were doing and stalked him to the front gates. By the time he had his horse packed and ready to ride word had spread to the entire city, most just gave him angry stare but some wished him luck while other cursed him. As he was walking his horse to the gates her grace rode up with eyes swollen with tears and begged him to bring home her baby, even though Prince Nicholas was a boy of twelve. As the gates opened with the sound of gears and chains moving he could only think of what lies ahead and if his Prince was still alive.

They had found Captain Damon lying dead beneath a tree in front of the south gate. He was found by one of the sentries the night before. He was found with only his helm and mail or what was left of it. He had been stabbed so many times his mail was nothing but ribbons of steel links. An arrow had pierced his chest and head which most likely what finished him.  When he was brought inside the gate all the peasants came to see. Even some of the king’s council came to see along with the king. The master healer retched at the sight of him, and the King let his rage show by cursing the creatures who did this and promising them their demise. Even he showed his disgust even though it was his doing. My creatures did a better job than I had anticipated he thought, I guess even uncivilized creatures such as them can kill a man just as good as one of our own. With these creatures he will be able to bring this city to its knees and all he needs to do is get rid of the King. That shouldn’t be too hard considering he is going to convince the King to go to war with them. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.                                      “Enter” he said.                                                                                                                                       “Lord Cater, the King demands your presents in the council room to discuss what to do about the killing of our captain of guard” says the guard once in the room.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Niebla
Review
Niebla wrote a review Review · Jun 22, 2013

Hi 10FeetUnder!

As the beginning of a story, there are a lot of things I really like about this – I’m going to assume this is just the beginning and not the whole story because there is obviously so much more to this story than what you’ve written here. Even if you haven’t written more than this, I think it would be a great idea if you did: I’d love to see where the story goes. :)

One thing I like about this is the amount of detail. You’ve described everything very vividly and I had no problem imagining things as they were in the story—the image I liked the best was of the monsters that took the Prince and killed Captain Damon. However, there’s a flip-side to this; there were parts of this where there was so much detail that I was overwhelmed. Detail is good, but only up to a point. Maybe you could just read over this and pay special attention to the things which don’t seem very important – if it doesn’t contribute to the story or show the reader what’s happening, cut it out.

I’m going to nit-pick a bit here and also point out that the paragraphs in this are really long, only because that can make it a little difficult to read. Shortening them and separating things out a bit would really help. Things like putting the characters’ thoughts (as there are a lot of them) into italics and adding extra spaces between the last paragraph and the rest of the text (as the POV changes) might also be good ideas and make it a bit easier on the reader.

Another thing I noticed here is dialogue. It was mostly okay, but the lack of punctuation bothered me. A tip here: try reading the dialogue out loud or at least imagining somebody saying it in your head. Are there any pauses? Add commas. There were a lot of places where commas seemed to be missing (especially before the closing dialogue marks.) This can also really help to work out if dialogue sounds awkward, stilted or out of character so that you can change it to sound more natural.

Hm, other than that, I don’t think I have much to say. Plot wise I’m quite intrigued – I like the little twist at the end and I would be interested to see what happens next. I’m very curious about these monsters and what they’ve done with the prince. Why didn’t they just kill him like Damon – or have they?

I noticed a few little typos and grammar mistakes, but I won’t point them all out, just suggest that you go over this again and make sure you straighten everything out. This piece needs working on, but I can definitely see that it has the potential to be a good opening once you polish it up. Keep working on it; I hope this helps. :)

~Niebla

I really appreciate your comments and criticisms. I thank you for them. I do plan on adding another story to this one but don't plan on redoing this one just not something i have in mind. Again I thank you for your review and will try to incorporate all that you have said in future pieces. By the way if you rad the first begging again you will find what happened to the prince. :)

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OliveDreams
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OliveDreams commented Comment · Jun 15, 2013

I really liked the start to your story..I'm excited to read more!

Keep me posted :D

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KnightZero
Review
KnightZero wrote a review Review · Jun 15, 2013

Interesting plot you have going on, I enjoyed reading it...overall. However, small issues such as the frequent transitions into different scenes fluctuates a bit too much. Perhaps, try to lengthen certain encountering that are significant and making that a part itself, with minor events within it rather than having too many things occur at once. Though those may be a setback, I can praise you for the attention grabber in the beginning with nice details.

I appreciate the time you spent reading my piece and thanks for the critism it helps a lot. Also I'm glad you enjoyed my piece overall.

IntelligentQuill commented Comment · Jun 14, 2013

I just started reading this and I have to say, nice start to the story.



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