Published July 29, 2011
So, I wrote this poem about a girl I knew who was struck and killed by a car while walking home from a friend's house. She was looking down and texting when she wandered out in front of a car. She was rushed to Shock Trauma, but later died there the same day. I don't want sympathy comments; seriously. What I want is for you to take the poem to heart and think before you act.
Under a darkened sky,
We wonder why.
Like tears of bitter pain,
Rain falls from God's domain.
Together we mourn
For a life that was too soon shorn.
Her dancing eyes and wind blown hair
Melt away in the stormy air.
All that is left are memories of her;
The girl who was lost to Death's allure.
Let it all sink in, give it a thought.
Consider it a lesson that to you was taught.
You never know when Death will call
And bring you down in a spiraling fall.
She was walking along the road; looking down.
Texting a message that needn't be sent.
And so I write with tears and a frown,
Of a girl and her death that surely was not meant.
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137,574 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hello there again. The same comments as before also work with this poem. This is a really powerful poem, and can stand alone without such a long explanation above. Your writing is beautiful, you don't need to explain yourself, it speaks so well on its own. Very well done =]
Loved it.
Amazing wordplay and imagery, I really liked the lesson and moral of it. It showed that we need to pay attention and enjoy every moment of life because we never know when Death will strike. One thing was, allure has two "L"'s instead of one. Other than that very very nice stanzas and wordplay. I seriously loved it and keep it up.
This is just wonderful. The imagery was very good, and the poem flowed pretty well in most places. Also, it had a lot of feeling, and I was hooked from start to finish, which is good for a successful poem.
Imagery
9/10
Nitpicks
That's it, great job!
Jeez, this was powerful, but I liked it!
I like the rhyme scheme, but why did you change it in the last stanza? I think it works anyway, but hm.
This whole part was amazing. I like the use of "shorn" in reference to the end of a life. Dancing eyes is a wonderful image, and I can picture this scene well.
Eh, this seems weak to me. I think you could do better than "frown" to end it.
Overall, very good!
This poem really was amazing. I really like how the last four lines had a different rhyme scheme, but maybe if those four lines were seperate from the rest, if they were their own stanza, I feel like the transition would be easier for the reader. But other than that I really loved it, and the message was clear and easy to understand.
Yes, finally! A piece of writing that has a clear and very important moral! Finely done; really, it's amazing. The way you describe it all really makes it hard not to take this to heart. On the news, I've seen numerous reports about people that died for seemingly harmless reasons. Perhaps you should send this is to one of those organizations that teach road safety and all that. I bet they would publish it on a poster! Other than that, the only error I see is that you spelled allure wrong.
Allure has two "L's". Unless it really is alure, which I believe is a passage or a walk.