Young Writers Society

I'm sorry to admit that I agree with Peanut & Firestarter...(and Bubbles)

Your poem isn't really a poem.
It seems like a random rant or email or something...
Maybe try posting this in the Other Forum...
A poem has to flow, not nessacarily rhyme but have flow, when you read it out
It has to flow smoothly like a song, and it's something you have to think about
and make an effort and spend time on. You could try to nurse this...rant and change the words
and structure to try and make its into a poem

I hate to be blunt, but I think you should start over.This will take a huge effort to change this into
an actual poem. So start over and keep trying to get a poem.

Peace and Rock N' Roll

K A M A S

Please don't argue with the reviewers. They're taking the time to give you their opinion and deserve some respect. If you really don't care about people's advice or trying to improve your poetry, why do you post here?

~bubbles

PS: Watch the caps please

well thank you very much.
It's just my style. and i don't really think you have the license to tell me what's wrong or right. I'm not exactly looking to make it perfect, or like Mark Twain or WHATEVER. This is what I would want to see in a poem. so that's what I do.
Thanks anyways.
-Isi

Hi Bumblebee,

Unfortunately this isn't a poem. It's a rant structured into an attempted poetic form. Now I don't mind anybody ranting, but masquerading it as a poem is a falsehood indeed. This lacks rhythm, decent enjambment, originality, good writing, or any other indications of trying to be poetic.

Secondly, putting a warning saying that you have spelt incorrectly and failed to use proper grammar before a poem does not fill me with confidence. If you don't have the time to check your work properly, I don't have the time to critique your work either.

Good luck!

actually i disagree with Black Night Werecat. now i don't swear, and i'm not for it or anything, but i actually didn't mind it in this poem. it really got across your frustration, i mean it was just down to earth and real. i mean the most accomplished poet with all their fancy language can't get emotions across like that because let's face it, who the heck uses fancy language when they're angry? yea, no one, see. so i thought it was fine concerning the words.

and because it wasn't particularly well thought out in terms of structure and rhyme and all that junk, that also helped contribute to it's down-to-earthness. it was just believable and tangible and i really liked it actually. good good job

hey that's no problem. It's a lot more complicated than i make it seem, I was getting really mad and i wrote that to him....but i couldn't send it so i turned it into a poem heh.
Thanks anyways though!
I'm not really looking to make it good.
Just getting my feelings out.

-Isi

I love the concept of the poem, but the way you word it is kind of... well, to be quite frank, it sucks. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but the problem is this:

- The words you use. It would be a lot more powerful if you didn't use curse words. You might think differently, but really, curse words make it sound like your a complete and utter newbie. Which, even if you are, isn't a good thing. But that can improve! Why don't you take out the curse words and replace them with other things, or just leave the spot empty. Also, the way you worded it made it very hard to get a good image of what your describing. Such as the lines:

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS!
BUT THEN YOU GO AND MAKE ME FEEL SO MUCH MORE!
it's pissing me off,
but i think i love you.