wow. this is absolutely beautiful. I must admit, this is my favorite type of writing, like seeing someone else mind. I find this to be an absolutely fascinating concept. you sound like me, and that is quite comforting, But I digress.
I would be interested to read more work from you. perhaps take these ideas and turn them into a full work. I like your ideas. your thoughts on death seem quite calmingly existential, and I think they a very pretty sounding. this sounds like an old fashioned diary entry and I, personally, love it
overall, I would check your use of commas. some of your sentences feel a little long. don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about a long sentence, like a flow of thoughts unwinding onto a page, but it is important to know when to stop. try to add shorter ones. don't forget the medium ones either. this mix of the short, medium and the long will let your writing flow like a river, giving it a unique and calm feel. see? it's quite simple. but don't feel bad if you can't get it at first. this like all skills take time to master, and someday it may become second nature. remember, you don't just write words. you write art.
keep up the good work
~Corvus
Points: 106
Reviews: 42
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