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Ghost Bro

by 0blank0


My house was built in 1904.

It was a single family house, built on a concrete block foundation with a wooden frame.

For around 12 years, I lived there.

Of all the odd things that my siblings and I have seen or heard in this home, my favorite is this one, it happened to my brother.

My brother and his best friends formed a garage band about ten years ago, mainly playing "Spanish Rock," alternative music but in Spanish.

Only on Sunday afternoons could his friends get together.

They'd practice into the early evening, and by 8 pm they'd generally call it quits.

This was the moment I normally woke up and went to bed because I was working a shift in the cemetery.

This occurred in late fall, so the days were getting shorter, and a long session had just ended when the decision to go to someone else's house came about.

My brother handed his boyfriend his car keys so that they could load the equipment.

The tricky part was that they needed to walk all the way to the back of the basement, up the backstairs, through the kitchen doorway, down the hall into the living room and out into the front porch. Everybody had filed out of the basement.

They were all sitting outside in my brother's truck, waiting for him.

When he realized that he had left his pancakes in a go-to container sitting on a speaker in the basement, my brother was walking up the back steps.

The decision to go back was made by him.

Now the basement is not clean, partitions were made with complete sight lines, and the boiler and main heating unit are right smack in the centre.

So after my brother steps back, when he sees it from the corner of his eye, he's about to grab his food bag.



It is a dark figure, this feeling of fear and uneasiness washed over my brother, right in his peripheral vision. 

If you are in the presence of a spirit or ghost and you sense a bad vibe, we have been taught to say fast prayers or to cuss at it. 

He essentially just said, "Hey screw you, I don't have time for this shit."

My brother began to walk to the back of the basement and up the stairs briskly, shutting the doors and turning the lights off as he walked out.

Luckily, the door was open and the street lamp was filling the living room with its amber light.

The last light switch was on the other side of the front door.

My brother said that he felt something behind his back, but he didn't turn around at any point.

As he flicked the last switch the living room went dark, as did the rest of the house.

He closed the door behind him as he walked out, still holding his food container in one hand, jogging down the few porch steps.

He was walking to the front gate... Located far from the main street, our house effectively has a wide front yard but no rear garage.

He kind of grinned and thought things over in his mind as he closed the distance between himself and his friend-laden vehicle, angry at himself for speaking out when there was no excuse.

He climbed into the drivers side of the truck, putting on his seat belt and getting ready to pull out of the parking spot directly in front of the house.

When one of his friends asked, “ Hey wait what about your brother, isn’t he coming with us?”

My brother answered, “What do you mean? He went to work early tonight, he is already gone, do you see his car anywhere?”

The next question they asked “So then who was walking behind you when you were leaving the house? “


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6 Reviews


Points: 118
Reviews: 6

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Sun Oct 25, 2020 5:41 pm
MrsxCreepypasta wrote a review...



Boo! Creeps here with a spooky review

As usual I'm not the grammar police so I'll leave that to the professionals. I will simply review based on structure, form and so on.

Let's just jump right it. First off I just wanna say it's really hard to find a spooky story that keeps my attention. I'm really glad that I found this little gem. I think you did an amazing job. You describe things pretty well too. A bunch of stories I find on here never have enough detail. In horror writing, over describing can we extremely beneficial. The ending is pretty well done it gives us that last second punch that makes you go "oh shit". So kiddos to you. This actually gives me inspiration to write again. I have terrible writers block and seeing stories like this makes me wanna write.

hope my review is ok, stay spooky and keep writing.

~creeps




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44 Reviews


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Thu Oct 15, 2020 11:10 pm
Rosewood wrote a review...



Hey there @0blank0! I enjoyed this simple, but effective, horror story and I'm here to help you make it even better.

Minor Corrections (In order of appearance)

My brother and his best friends formed a garage band about ten years ago, mainly playing "Spanish Rock," alternative music but in Spanish.


I think you need to fix the sentence error one of two ways. Here are my suggestions.

My brother and his best friends formed a garage band about ten years ago mainly playing "Spanish Rock"; which is alternative music but in Spanish.


In this way, I understand what Spanish rock is a bit better than otherwise written.

My brother and his best friends formed a garage band about ten years ago mainly playing "Spanish Rock", which is alternative music but in Spanish.


Same here.

The tricky part was that they needed to walk all the way to the back of the basement, up the backstairs, through the kitchen doorway, down the hall into the living room and out into the front porch. Everybody had filed out of the basement.

They were all sitting outside in my brother's truck, waiting for him.


While the list of actions was a bit long, it's forgivable considering its what your characters have done. But my real concern is that you mention that everyone had left, and then in the next portion, you say that they're waiting on someone else.I think you should include in the first potion that your brother is left. Here is how I would phrase that.

The tricky part was that they needed to walk all the way to the back of the basement, up the backstairs, through the kitchen doorway, down the hall into the living room and out into the front porch. Everyone but my brother had filed out of the basement.

They were all sitting outside in my brother's truck, waiting for him.


He essentially just said, "Hey screw you, I don't have time for this shit."


I think, because of the language, you need to make this 16+.

My brother chose the latter.My brother began to walk to the back of the basement and up the stairs briskly, shutting the doors and turning the lights off as he walked out.


Mind if I make a suggestion?

My brother chose the latter and began to walk to the back of the basement and up the stairs briskly, shutting the doors and turning the lights off as he walked.


He closed the door behind him as he walked out, still holding his food container in one hand, jogging down the few porch steps.


I felt this was a bit choppy. Here's how I'd fix it.

He closed the door behind him, still holding his food container in one hand. [His pace quickened and his feet started] jogging down the few porch steps.


When one of his friends asked, “ Hey wait what about your brother, isn’t he coming with us?”


I think you need a comma after 'wait'.

Major Correction

I think your paragraphs were too short and could easily be put together in certain situations. Some, for dramatic effect, could be left short at one or two sentences. Even if you meant it that way, it's a good story, and I don't want to rush over the good stuff.

Triumphs

I absolutely loved the tone and the overall third-person feel to your story. While short, so are most horror tales. And the good thing about short tales is that the fear reaches you quickly - a plus in my opinion! And the ending was a nice closer. Keep up the good work!




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38 Reviews


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Thu Oct 15, 2020 8:24 pm
ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd review this short story of yours, since I read it twice, so here we go!

My house was built in 1904.

It was a single family house, built on a concrete block foundation with a wooden frame.

For around 12 years, I lived there.

Of all the odd things that my siblings and I have seen or heard in this home, my favorite is this one, it happened to my brother.


What I would do differently here is say "I lived there for around 12 years" instead of "for around 12 years, I lived there", make "it happened to my brother" its own sentence, and then combine all these short paragraphs into a single one, like this:

My house was built in 1904. It was a single family house, built on a concrete block foundation with a wooden frame. I lived there for around 12 years. Of all the odd things that my siblings and I have seen or heard in this home, my favorite is this one. It happened to my brother.


Here are some more lines I would suggest combining to make paragraphs:

My brother and his best friends formed a garage band about ten years ago, mainly playing "Spanish Rock," alternative music but in Spanish. His friends could only get together on Sunday afternoons (suggested edit). They'd practice into the early evening, and by 8 pm they'd generally call it quits.


My brother handed his boyfriend his car keys so that they could load the equipment. The tricky part was that they needed to walk all the way to the back of the basement, up the backstairs, through the kitchen doorway, down the hall into the living room and out into the front porch. Everybody had filed out of the basement. They were all sitting outside in my brother's truck, waiting for him.


My brother began to walk to the back of the basement and up the stairs briskly, shutting the doors and turning the lights off as he walked out. Luckily, the door was open and the street lamp was filling the living room with its amber light. The last light switch was on the other side of the front door. My brother said that he felt something behind his back, but he didn't turn around at any point. As he flicked the last switch the living room went dark, as did the rest of the house.


Here are some more suggestions for edits:

Only on Sunday afternoons could his friends get together.


This sentence would look better as "His friends could only get together on Sunday afternoons". It uses the exact same words, but looks a little better.

The decision to go back was made by him.


You used the passive form of the verb here, which is generally avoided in writing. The active from would be "he made the decision to go back", or alternatively, "he decided to go back".

If you are in the presence of a spirit or ghost and you sense a bad vibe, we have been taught to say fast prayers or to cuss at it.

He essentially just said, "Hey screw you, I don't have time for this shit."

My brother chose the latter.


I would remove "my brother chose the latter", since we just saw him swear and it's a bit redundant.

Thank you for the chilling story! I hope you found these helpful.

- Shadow




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10 Reviews


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Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:34 pm
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Soccer23 says...



Nice! Like the twist ending!



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0blank0 says...


Thanks!




The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard