Dragons and Riders: Chapter 1

I awake to the sound of soft, steady breathing, and the loud snoring of one particularly annoying sister. “Everyone must be asleep,” I think to myself. My snow-white, deep-sea-blue-tipped hair is covering most of my face as I step outside.

“Oh, good morning Nala,” I whisper as I bump into her. I push my hair out of my face, and mouth, as I look up. When she turns to face me, I notice her gloomy expression. Her electric-blue eyes are dimmed with thought and sadness; her thin eyebrows are deeply furrowed while her lips are formed in a tight frown.

“What’s the matter?” I ask her.  

“Oh, it’s nothing. I just have a bad feeling this morning.” she answers.

“I hope that your feeling is wrong, and I pray that we have a perfectly normal day,” I wish.

“On a normal day we will hear The Golden Horns, rush to the battlefield, and save the day,” she complains. The sun starts to rise and her lily-pad-green; pond-turquoise-highlighted hair sparkles. The warmth of the sunbeams heats my cold feet and hands.

“Were you up long enough to comb through your hair with your fingers?” I wonder to her astonishingly while working out a relatively thick knot in my own mangled mess, “It takes me all morning to do that.”

She smiles slightly and with a speck of laughter, “I can see that,” she states, “I woke up around midnight after a terrible nightmare.”

“What was it like?” I ask her curiously, “Was it like that one where I got turned into a stew?”

“No that dream was funny, this time, I was on a field of tall yellow grass, and someone was charging me. As the swordsman came closer, I saw that it was the King. He ran right through me, as though I was mist. I turned around saw a girl picking daisies. She looked up smiling as she saw me, but it was too late. He swiped his sword straight down her length. Her face grew pale and she coughed up a lot of blood before slipping to the ground. Then he kneeled down and started stabbing her in the chest. He turned to me and smiled with a crazed look in his eyes,” she informs me sadly as her face grows pale.

“What a nightmare,” I mutter, shivers running up my neck. I turn around, and I notice that everyone is standing there with their mouths gaping.  I smile quickly while I rush the six of them back into our cave-cottage. Everyone sits down for breakfast, rabbit soup. I thank Nina for cooking breakfast as I chug my entire bowl down without breathing.  

“I wonder if Nala is right. Has the King gone completely mad?” I ponder, “I’ll worry about that later,” I decide. After three more bowls of soup, we talk about what we saw on yesterday’s ride. As usual, I saw a rock while Viv touched a buck. Nina got stung by a bee, and Kia tripped on a root. Violet rode up the mountain, and Lulu fell in the mud. Well, Lulu actually killed a fully-grown male elk. If she would happen to fall in the mud, I would die of laughter.

I start to pack up my hunting equipment, for our daily hunt, when Nina exclaims, “Look! A little girl is running up the hill to our cave!” I make sure that she is not joking by looking deep into her big, turquoise eyes. She isn’t joking at all, not even a hint of falseness is in her eyes. Nala and I run outside and look down the hill. There she is, screaming and running.

Nala’s face turns pale white, “It’s her,” she mumbles, “The King killed that girl in my dream.” 

“No way!” I proclaim with disbelief. I squint to see her facial features more clearly. She has thin, short, black hair while the irises of her eyes are a crimson red. As she gets closer, I see that she has dark, black circles under her eyes, and she looks about ten. She is holding some wild berries in a tattered basket. I whistle a very specific tune and I feel the breath of my white stallion on my neck.

I turn and greet him, “Hello Snowflake, it’s been a while.” He snorts in reply. A Rider’s horse is special. The horse will arrive at any moment, any place, and any time when the Rider whistles a specific tune. I have never been so pleased to feel the long, smooth mane. I slide onto his back and grip a few strands of his mane as we take off. We race down the mountain side to save the girl, but someone is also racing across the valley to reach her as well. The knight is riding a mangled horse, and has a large sword in his hand.

“Shoot,” I scold myself, “I didn’t grab my sword.”  I click my tongue three times urging Snowflake on. “If we get too close, Snowflake or I could be injured,” I decide quickly.

“Come on, come on,” I command Snowflake as I reach my right arm towards the girl. Just as we get to her, the knight snatches her up while arching his sword in my direction. I yank Snowflake’s mane, and we violently turn around. We begin to chase them until there is no more forest. I pull Snowflake’s mane slightly feeling his lungs filling quickly and violently, so I know he is too tired to race after her. Another chase like that would cause him to collapse.

“I’ll come after you someday. I swear that I will save you from those monsters,” I vow to the girl as they pass over the horizon. Snowflake and I ride silently up the mountain side. His black eyes are fixed on the ground, and he carries a look of shame.

“It’s all right,” I comfort him while I hug his neck; “It wasn’t your fault.” When we reach the cave I see Nala going crazy. I have never seen her sob so much.

 “I am so sorry Nala. We went as fast as we could go. I’m sorry for letting you down.” I apologize with sadness buried in my every word.

“What will happen to her now?” Nala questions, “Why does the King want her? Is she special in some way? So many questions need answering.” I lead Snowflake into the cave where he can warm up and get something to drink. The sky fills with dark, grey clouds and I know that there is going to be a bad storm tonight. Thunder booms lightly towards the west and I watch the clouds move east, closer and closer to our little cave. Everyone hurries inside as the heavens are unleashed in the form of thunder, rain, and lightning. “Somewhere, not so far away, someone is crying.” Viv, Miss Expressionless, notes, without a hint of melancholy in her eyes. Nina sits down close to the fire and stares deeply into it. I know that she is trying, extremely hard, not to cry.

My heart sinks, “This is all my fault,” I blame myself as I remember racing down the mountain, reaching out to grab the girl as she was swiped away. A tear escapes my eye as I sit next to Nina. She puts her arm around me quietly as I stuff my face into my hands. I notice a rip in my sleeve, and I realize that I was less than a hair’s width away from losing my strong hand. We sit there listening to the thunder, and staring into the fire. Violet, seeming annoying by the silence, gets up and orders, “We should organize a hunting party.”

“Look outside, Violet. Take a moment and look,” Kia tells Violet. Violet turns looks outside as lighting snaps, thunder booms, and rain pours.

“What?” Violet asks, looking amused.

 It’s raining dragons and horses!” Kia complains.

“That is why we must go hunting,” Violet explains as if everything falls into place.

I stand up, and as I pick up my hunting sword, I tell Violet, “I will go, Kia should go, and you should go.”

Violet stands up, grabs her best throwing axe and a slim sword and states, “Lulu is going too.” I roll my eyes and cross my arms as Lulu grabs her hunting sword.

“This is going to be the best hunting party ever!!” Kia mumbles sarcastically.

“You can say that again,” I agree, piercing through Lulu’s heart with a fierce glare. We sneak into the valley’s forest without a sound. I get my four-foot, double-edged sword ready as we tiptoe through the woods. Kia’s thick, red hair is plastered over her face, but I can still see her frowning. Drippy mud covers my legs and my boots start to get soggy. I notice that Kia has stopped, and we all look around. For a human, Kia has a keen sense of hearing. I hear a loud twig snap, and Kia spins around. I see her look up, and immediately her agile body tenses while her hazel brown eyes fill with fear. Turning around, I slowly look up, and a massive grizzly bear is looming over me. I stifle a yelp and run out from underneath it. The bear relaxes a little, and it goes back to balancing on all fours.

Violet whispers in my ear, “Kill it.”

“You distract it while I go in for the kill,” I whisper to Kia, and we are in action. I slip into the woods as Kia rushes at the bear. The bear is strong and slow and Kia easily dodges his rough blows. I quickly run out of the woods behind the bear. I jump up in the air, raise my sword over my head and swing down. I feel my sword push through the bear’s torso. It easily cuts through the tough fur and flesh of the giant bear. I land on the ground gracefully and watch the bear collapse. Kia gets out from underneath the monster as it crashes to the ground with a thud. The fur is plastered together with its thick, dry blood.

“We’ll be having bear tonight!” I exclaim.

“Woo hoo!” Kia yells in triumph. It takes all four of us to carry the bear back to the cave where Nala skins it and cuts it into pieces that we can hang in the coldest part of the cave. I ask her if I may keep the skin as a trophy. She hands it to me smiling. I bury my face in the soft fur of the bear. It reminds me of innocence and love. No one loves us anymore. Now we are the most hated beings in all of Amaronia. When people see us they think of murder, death, and cruelty. The only ones who know who really killed the Prince is us. Nobody even questions that anyone else could have killed him. Nobody has asked us what we think. They judge us before they even begin to talk to us. The King is using propaganda against us, and it is working better and faster than we ever imagined. The same people who cheered for us as we glided away in victory are blaming us for murdering the Prince. It drives me crazy.

“Why do people think that we would kill the Prince?” I think out loud, voicing my feelings.

 “I don’t know!” Violet snaps back at me. I think about Violet and how everyone thinks of her as the mastermind of the murder.

“I’m glad that I’m not in her shoes,” I think as she puts her face in her hands. Nina starts a fire and I start to warm up, but my heart is still cold as the tips of the Calypso Mountains. The clouds part, and reveal a deep-orange sun. The clouds reflect gorgeous tones of pink, red, and purple. The sunset gives me a miniscule sense of peace. Nala, still enormously upset, gets up and sulks to her room. Now, my good feelings are gone again. I unroll my bear skin and hand it to Nina so she could use it as a blanket. As we make our way to our rooms we think of our past day gloomily.

“Why? Why are we the ones who have to experience the saddest misery, the most difficult hardships, and the greatest pains? Why? Why? Why?” I ask over and over in my mind as I drift off to sleep.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Firstly, hello and welcome to YWS! I admire your bravery for submitting such a long, difficult chapter! I liked the way the story flowed, the characters, and the way you explained and drew us into the world of Amaronia.

About the grammar: Well done, well done, well done! Great tense work! You kept it up throughout the looong chapter with hardly any mistakes, so great job! Good spelling, nice vocabulary, very balanced work overall. You really have a voice in this work, a special "youness" about it that I love.

Now criticisms: Look at your direct speech. You got it right most of the time, but I spotted a couple of muddles there.

The way you describe things. Learn to love "say". See if people wouldn't be able to hear someone muttering, snapping or telling without you writing it. Readers scud over "say", even if you as writer get tired of the word and haul out the thesaurus. Also beware of "says with curiosity" or "says angrily". You can use them, but moderation is key! Those colours. I got sort of tied up in the descriptions of hair and eyes, because they were so long and elaborate! Maybe try to be a bit more subtle about them.

That girl who just ran past and got snatched up - maybe it should have happened when they were out hunting, to distance it from their cave. It was slightly unsettling that it happened just outside their hideout, and also that they weren't even worried about discovery by the evil guys, who now know their location.

Also the bear scene. It may only be me who is a soft animal lover, but I pitied the bear and didn't approve of the "trophy". Also that it reminded her of innocence was somewhat ironic to me. Maybe tone down the animal slaughter, as it could draw sympathy from the characters and see them as bloodthirsty.

Otherwise, good use of suggestion, good grammar (I got a grammar detox from this read!), lovely imagery and overall style! You have certainly got a talent there! Feed it and keep the pen rolling!

Thanks for such an enjoyable read!
barefootrunner

That was really good criticism! I will try to tone down the bear killing a little more because I am also an animal lover. (My sister will probably kill me if I don't) I will use "say" more often then I do now and I will try to change the place setting of the girl's kidnapping. I probably do have mistakes, and I will go back and edit them asap. I will also post the next chapter later on, and would love it if you could comment on it again.
Thanks for the feetback,
04piegirl12



But sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a person who is in the process of changing.
— Dalinar (Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson)