PREFACE
He hid among the shadows, sinking deeper and deeper into the endless dark. From his hiding place he watched her shake in her sleep. The moonlight streaming in from behind the curtains shimmered on her face, making her beauty even more impossible. Her beauty overthrew him, she was the one thing he had ever truly wanted the want quivered in his veins making it nearly impossible to stand still.
In one quick motion he was standing next to her shaking body. He slowly lowered his hand and left it floating several inches from her face. Something about her threw him off guard. Placing his hand on her heart, he felt her heart thumping as he watched her flickering eyelashes.
She meant the beginning of a new era, a new life. With a smirk, he disappeared to whence he came from, back into the eternal dark. The shadows over took the room, creating a dwelling place for the dark.
CHAPTER 1
As Tyana tossed and turned in her sleep, she visited a land full of beauty, yet full of hatred and fear. The same scenes played over and over in her mind, never seizing to stop.
The sky was a brilliant azure blue and the grass, greener than any of the yards back home. She began to wonder how any place could be so stunningly beautiful. She was standing in a field, the grass swaying in the wind. The rustling leaves created a melody so sweet, it was almost heart wrenching.
When all at once, the beauty came to a definite stop. Dark, forlorn clouds drifted into her line of view. They took over the azure sky in a matter of seconds. The sun, as though frightened hid behind the unforgiving mass of nightmarish clouds.
She then found herself standing in a fire-like hell. Flames danced and twirled devouring anything of beauty in the twilight. A man, his face protected by a shield of flames came into view. As he walked towards her, her heart nearly stopped as the flames grew to great heights. Behind the man, an exhausted group of people followed. Their presence blurred by the flames. In their hands, their wielded bloodstained swords. As the man got closer, she could make out his eyes, his evil scorching eyes. Abruptly, the man stopped where he was and raised his arms towards the now blood-red sky. The man with the evil eyes started chanting words she could not decipher. Sheer fear ran through her body. She fell to the ground, her mind drifting. She looked up to the sky with it's clouds of despair and clenched her hands into fists.
She remembered being carried off by a pair of swift legs. Her head was spinning. She was shivering and frightened and wanted to go home. "You are safe. I shall not let him hurt you." Drawled a lovely deep voice. She opened her eyes slowly, uncertain of the beautiful voice. Staring back at her, were the most amazing eyes she had ever seen. They were a stormy gray, yet a delicate sparkling silver. She was mesmerized and although she was being held in a stranger's arms, she couldn't tear her eyes off his. His voice reassured her as the man with the evil eyes cackled in the distance.
Hi,
She was shivering and frightened and wanted to go home.
Well, I am in the mood for a good crit here, so here goes!
This doesn't make sense, I think this should be split up into two possible sentences. My corrections have been added. By the way, you had used Impossible very recently before hand, in a different sentence, like the repetition of Her beauty, which you used in the previous paragraph. Otherwise I thought an effective add-on part to the paragraph.Her beauty overthrew him, she was the one thing he had ever truly wanted. [s]the want[/s] Desire quivered in his veins, making it nearly impossible to stand still.
Annoyingly worded here.Placing his hand on her heart, he felt her heart thumping as he watched her flickering eyelashes.
'Overtook' is one word, but I would recommend something a bit more active and powerful, like 'reclaimed' or something similar. Also, the last bit annoyed me. Does it provide a dwelling place for the dark? It makes dark but doesn't really create a place for it.The shadows over took the room, creating a dwelling place for the dark.
I would say this was a great description, but we need more senses involved. What does it smell like? What can she hear? How does the grass feel as she sways her hand across it? Remember, there are always more senses than 'sight' which is a trap a lot of people fall into. Also, remember that azure, means blue, so no need for both!The sky was a brilliant [s]azure[/s] blue and the grass, greener than any of the yards back home. She began to wonder how any place could be so stunningly beautiful. She was standing in a field, the grass swaying in the wind. The rustling leaves created a melody so sweet, it was almost heart wrenching.
The sky was a brilliant azure
Yes? I will speak more of this later; repetition drives the reader mad.azure sky
Add a comma ^.The sun, as though frightened, hid behind the unforgiving mass of nightmarish clouds.
More repeition here, see below.devouring anything of beauty
And again, with 'flames', three times. Also, I am getting fed up of hearing 'her heart'.flames came into view. As he walked towards her, her heart nearly stopped as the flames .... ... ... Their presence blurred by the flames.
I think you mean 'In their hands, they wielded bloodstained swords.In their hands, their wielded bloodstained swords.
A semicolon (;) may work better than a comma here, since you are describing something already metioned.make out his eyes, his evil scorching eyes.
Should be 'its' as it's possesive. Also, add a comma after 'despair'.She looked up to the sky with it's clouds of despair, and clenched her hands into fists.
A few tiny errors. I have corrected them."You are safe. I shall not let him hurt you[s].[/s]," [s]Drawled[/s] drawled a lovely deep voice.
More repetition here...Drawled a lovely deep voice. She opened her eyes slowly, uncertain of the beautiful voice.
I think you have something here. You caught me with your description of the shadowy stranger; I would really like to know more about him. I liked the preface.
With a smirk, he disappeared to whence he came from, back into the eternal dark. The shadows over took the room, creating a dwelling place for the dark.
Hiya!
A few things going on here: 1. I don't like the repetition of "her beauty" 2. "standstill" is one word.The moonlight streaming in from behind the curtains shimmered on her face, making her beauty even more impossible. Her beauty overthrew him, she was the one thing he had ever truly wanted the want quivered in his veins making it nearly impossible to stand still.
This is really awkward. Either try: "With a smirk, he disappeared to whence he come; back into the eternal dark." or: "With a smirk, he disappeared to where he came from; back into the eternal dark." And yes, the comma before "back" should be a semi-colon.With a smirk, he disappeared to whence he came from, back into the eternal dark.
This should either be "overtook" or "took over"The shadows over took the room, creating a dwelling place for the dark.
*ceasing.The same scenes played over and over in her mind, never seizing to stop.
That comma after "grass" shouldn't be there.The sky was a brilliant azure blue and the grass, greener than any of the yards back home.
*heart-wrenching.The rustling leaves created a melody so sweet, it was almost heart wrenching.
First sentence>> You said "azure sky" before. I suggest you find a different way of describing it. ^_~ Second sentence>>There should be a comma after "frightened."They took over the azure sky in a matter of seconds. The sun, as though frightened hid behind the unforgiving mass of nightmarish clouds.
"it's" means "it is." You mean to say "its" ^_~She looked up to the sky with it's clouds of despair and clenched her hands into fists.
The period after "you" should be a comma, and the "d" in "drawled" should be lowercase."You are safe. I shall not let him hurt you." Drawled a lovely deep voice.
Great detail but I do agree about the stalker thing...Mabe if you add more infessas as to why he was there it whould make us beleive he isn't that much of a stalker...
-em
good job..
As the man got closer, she could make out his eyes, his evil scorching eyes. Abruptly, the man stopped where he was and raised his arms towards the now blood-red sky. The man with the evil eyes started chanting words she could not decipher. Sheer fear ran through her body. She fell to the ground, her mind drifting. She looked up to the sky with it's clouds of despair and clenched her hands into fists.
The same scenes played over and over in her mind, never seizing to stop.
She then found herself standing in a fire-like hell.
Sheer fear ran through her body
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