PREFACE
He hid among the shadows, sinking deeper and deeper into the endless dark. From his hiding place he watched her shake in her sleep. The moonlight streaming in from behind the curtains shimmered on her face, making her beauty even more impossible. Her beauty overthrew him, she was the one thing he had ever truly wanted the want quivered in his veins making it nearly impossible to stand still.
In one quick motion he was standing next to her shaking body. He slowly lowered his hand and left it floating several inches from her face. Something about her threw him off guard. Placing his hand on her heart, he felt her heart thumping as he watched her flickering eyelashes.
She meant the beginning of a new era, a new life. With a smirk, he disappeared to whence he came from, back into the eternal dark. The shadows over took the room, creating a dwelling place for the dark.
CHAPTER 1
As Tyana tossed and turned in her sleep, she visited a land full of beauty, yet full of hatred and fear. The same scenes played over and over in her mind, never seizing to stop.
The sky was a brilliant azure blue and the grass, greener than any of the yards back home. She began to wonder how any place could be so stunningly beautiful. She was standing in a field, the grass swaying in the wind. The rustling leaves created a melody so sweet, it was almost heart wrenching.
When all at once, the beauty came to a definite stop. Dark, forlorn clouds drifted into her line of view. They took over the azure sky in a matter of seconds. The sun, as though frightened hid behind the unforgiving mass of nightmarish clouds.
She then found herself standing in a fire-like hell. Flames danced and twirled devouring anything of beauty in the twilight. A man, his face protected by a shield of flames came into view. As he walked towards her, her heart nearly stopped as the flames grew to great heights. Behind the man, an exhausted group of people followed. Their presence blurred by the flames. In their hands, their wielded bloodstained swords. As the man got closer, she could make out his eyes, his evil scorching eyes. Abruptly, the man stopped where he was and raised his arms towards the now blood-red sky. The man with the evil eyes started chanting words she could not decipher. Sheer fear ran through her body. She fell to the ground, her mind drifting. She looked up to the sky with it's clouds of despair and clenched her hands into fists.
She remembered being carried off by a pair of swift legs. Her head was spinning. She was shivering and frightened and wanted to go home. "You are safe. I shall not let him hurt you." Drawled a lovely deep voice. She opened her eyes slowly, uncertain of the beautiful voice. Staring back at her, were the most amazing eyes she had ever seen. They were a stormy gray, yet a delicate sparkling silver. She was mesmerized and although she was being held in a stranger's arms, she couldn't tear her eyes off his. His voice reassured her as the man with the evil eyes cackled in the distance.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Hi,
I don't know, in the style of the rest of the piece, this sounds out-of-place. It doesn't sound like the other sentences do, and it sticks out. I'd change it a bit, if I were you.
It's a very interesting piece, I like it. Your choice of words, and description were very good. Keep writing!
Well, I am in the mood for a good crit here, so here goes!
This doesn't make sense, I think this should be split up into two possible sentences. My corrections have been added. By the way, you had used Impossible very recently before hand, in a different sentence, like the repetition of Her beauty, which you used in the previous paragraph. Otherwise I thought an effective add-on part to the paragraph.Annoyingly worded here.
'Overtook' is one word, but I would recommend something a bit more active and powerful, like 'reclaimed' or something similar. Also, the last bit annoyed me. Does it provide a dwelling place for the dark? It makes dark but doesn't really create a place for it.
I would say this was a great description, but we need more senses involved. What does it smell like? What can she hear? How does the grass feel as she sways her hand across it? Remember, there are always more senses than 'sight' which is a trap a lot of people fall into. Also, remember that azure, means blue, so no need for both!
Compare these two lines:
Yes? I will speak more of this later; repetition drives the reader mad.
Add a comma ^.
More repeition here, see below.
And again, with 'flames', three times. Also, I am getting fed up of hearing 'her heart'.
I think you mean 'In their hands, they wielded bloodstained swords.
A semicolon (;) may work better than a comma here, since you are describing something already metioned.
Should be 'its' as it's possesive. Also, add a comma after 'despair'.
A few tiny errors. I have corrected them.
More repetition here...
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Alright, I thought this was very interesting but I am unsure. What is drving me mad, any any other reader that should read this, is:
Repetition
This is killing me. All I can say is this: improve your vocab and have a play around with rephrasing things. Anti-climax? Hehe!
Keep writing!
~Mark
I think you have something here. You caught me with your description of the shadowy stranger; I would really like to know more about him. I liked the preface.
I notice you have used dark twice in the last bit. I'm not being picky, but the fact that it stood out suggests that perhaps you should change one of them. How about 'back into the eternal night' or 'back into the eternal dusk'? Also I don't think that 'smirk' is quite right. A smirk would be showing insolence, and I don't think that is what you were trying to portray.
The dream part was a little confusing; I think you rushed through it a bit. Slow down, take time to describe your scenes sufficiently, read it aloud to make sure it all flows.
Overall, I liked it. I will be watching out for the next installment
Hiya!
A few things going on here: 1. I don't like the repetition of "her beauty" 2. "standstill" is one word.This is really awkward. Either try: "With a smirk, he disappeared to whence he come; back into the eternal dark." or: "With a smirk, he disappeared to where he came from; back into the eternal dark." And yes, the comma before "back" should be a semi-colon.
This should either be "overtook" or "took over"
*ceasing.
That comma after "grass" shouldn't be there.
*heart-wrenching.
First sentence>> You said "azure sky" before. I suggest you find a different way of describing it. ^_~ Second sentence>>There should be a comma after "frightened."
"it's" means "it is." You mean to say "its" ^_~
The period after "you" should be a comma, and the "d" in "drawled" should be lowercase.
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I don't have any overall opinions, except that this is intriguing... *gives you a gold star*
Also, make sure you show and don't tell.
If you have questions/comments, feel free to PM me. I hope this helps!
~Azila~
Great detail but I do agree about the stalker thing...Mabe if you add more infessas as to why he was there it whould make us beleive he isn't that much of a stalker...
-em
good job..
it seems to me that you only need to say "the man" so much.....
start saying he. or something else. it gets to repetative.
what? should it be "never seizing to a stop?. or better would be "never ceasing"
it seems you don't need to say "fire like hell." and then describe the fire. just say in a Hellish place or something.
it seems sort of uncomfortable to say sheer fear. the instant rhyming thing. maybe Sheer terror is a better choice.
oh about the preface.....stalker much??