Published April 18, 2008
She wakes,
She wipes the lingering sleep from her eyes;
She approaches the dreary day ahead
The sun shines brightly,
scorching her eyes,
her feet slide in the mud,
a crow, perched on a branch
caws a familliar tune
The day passes slowly
she longs
to enter
the realm of dreams,
once again
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Firstly Katsuro the start is far too repeative. All 'she-she-she' It okay to start with it. But continueing with it stagnates the flow. Plus the start doesn't really hook me in.
Really the next verse changes the theme, we're now on to her standing looking at the sun 'scorching her eyes' and sliding into the mud. You bring the wrong connatation it doesn't make sense from the beginning.
You had such potential with this idea but it's wasted and theme overall lost. It also not strong enough with the unlinking stanzas and wrong word choice. You're poem just doesn't relate to the stanzas. They're like parts of three poems. Another thing, I've a problem with is your puntuaction it's non-existent in some places. You need to proof read this before posting
Overall: You had a good title whihc tempted me but once reading all my enthuasism was gone. You waste such a wonderful title. With unrelatable stanzas and bad word choice. There a lot of bad things about this poem. Though it may hurt I suggest starting again from scratch.
Good luck
VSN
Cool poem. Keep writing!
Sounds pretty good. I think you should add an ending punctuation mark after the last stanza.
Also try to find a better word for "shines" and "brightly."
Shines is kind of cliché and brightly seems weak. Maybe try using...
- gleams
- glints
- coruscate
...to replace "shines."
Overall I like it. Interesting free verse style.
Nice, I really like it. Keep writing!
It's a pretty nice piece, and the tone of it all did the poem justice as well. After reading it I kind of wanted to go back and sleep just to dream.
I like it (:
The concept is good, and its a sweet yet powerful peice.
It just needs refined and expanded a little (I don't mean add tonnes of stanzas, just hone it a little).
The one bit I didn't like:
This is a really nice poem, and this word didn't fit:/
I would try to describe her reaction to the sun in her eyes, you know like she snaps her eyes shut(that's a rubbish example I know but yeah).
And yeah the splitting up of 'she longs' and 'to enter' isn't really nessecary.
I liked it a lot though (:
This is a short and powerful piece.
I also agree with VG (very good suggestions).
This poem is very emotional and rings true to what I think some people in this world would feel.
I also like the potential of the crow signifying the potential death in the world, whilst in a dream you can never die.
I agree with VG, other than that nice job ^_^
I don't think you should separate:
She longs
to enter
It would sound better and less chopy if you connect them.
Also saying 'She' 3 times in a row is bad. You could just put:
She wakes,
wiping the lingering sleep from her eyes.
She approaches the dreary day ahead.
Other than that I liked it alot. It has alot of emotion.
Keep writing.
~Rachael