Published July 31, 2008
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141,449 Literary Works • 674,461 Reviews
Awe, it's so sad. I can admit this has happened to me. (a lot) I like a guy, he likes me, but somehow we never get together. Anyway, enough about me. The poem is really good, except for the few spelling mistakes and a few other errors. There's not a lot of emotion with it. Like you could describe her feelings about his liking the other girl or something like that. Overall, it's a really good poem, and if improved it would be excellent. Good job, and Keep writing!
This poem came off to me as more of a list than anything else. More like you were venting than writing. I didn't completely understand what exactly happened. You need to get the point around better, and you need to give it a better rhythm. I can understand that this poem is about heartbreak, and false hopes (?) but that's it. However, I think this has potential and that you should work on it a bit more.
here I go again.
I'll go line by line...
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I will never get to see you,
Hold your hand, [i'd suggest : OR HOLD YOUR HAND]
Sit next to you and cuddle up to you when i'm scared,
I will never get to see that smile,
Hear your laugh,
Laugh with you, [OR LAUGH WITH YOU]
I will never have pictures of you and me,
Sitting in the lovely summer,
On the park where are children will never play, [IN THE PARK...OUR CHILDREN...or you could use KIDS]
I will never have Aiden or Sara,
Because they will be yours,
And the girl next door, [huh?]
We will never get married,
Share a kiss,
Walk down the aile,
I saw you with her, [BECAUSE i saw you...]
The girl of your dreams,
I knew I'd never have you,
I thought you were my soul mate,
Even though we never talked,
I could see in your eyes you loved me.
Not her. Embarassed
Some of the lines are a little long and break the flow a little, making it feel slightly less poetic, particularly the third line. "Lovely" isn't very decriptive, what else can you say about the summer? And what is the "embarrassed" for at the end? That bit doesn't make sense. I like the way you talked about your children. Your description is good and you made the poem your own. Keep writing.
This is really cool!
it has a great storyline and is written with great attention to detail too!
the few things i would point have already been said by the last person! hehe
well great work! keep it up!
Forgot to make that i a capital.
I think it would be "in the park".
And "are" should be "our"
Do you mean the kids will be his and the girl next door's kids? Because then it should be "girl next door's" or maybe "with the girl next door" would sound better.
Who are they?
"aile" should be "aisle"
But I thought from this he loved her and not you?
Missed the last full stop. Also "Embarassed" should be spelled "Embarrassed".
You start every line with a capital and I think it would look better if you didn't. It makes the poem flow better if you only put a capital after a fullstop. Also every line ends with a comma, you hardly start a new sentence and I think you should. This is my suggestion for the layout (some corrections included).
Overall, I think this is a good poem. I can see the sadness behind it and there's a pretty image of sitting in the park thinking about the kids that'll never be etc. but it's a little bit meaningless in a way. I mean, if they never even talked then what's the big deal? Maybe that's just me. I didn't understand some of the references - who are Aiden and Sara? The names of the kids? You should check through a bit too, sometimes you made a few mistakes that were probably just typos or something and one or two read throughs would have fixed it.
I think if you messed with this a bit it'd be really good =]