Not titled yet

by -Save-Ferris-

Published February 27, 2008

In Poetry

This is a poem based on a part of one story I'm writing. Not too sure on it to be honest.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Intricate detail might be a little too much to take right now
Yet watch his eyes as the watch the mirror
Then shift to his free hand and watch his fingers slips
Let's hope someone spots what is on the road ahead


Now seriously, see what he saw
Watch hand slide up leg
On the backseat
And, really now, we see the detail


So watch what falls out his back pocket and everyone gets the wrong impression
No but I mean really look at his lips and then,
Do you see a collision?


Really though, your eyes should be looking ahead
That's the real crash
But no jealousy is more important


Now honestly is the time to zoom out though,
Cause seriously
That's a crash you're setting yourself up for

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
TickledPink
Comment
TickledPink commented Comment · Feb 29, 2008

Huh?

User avatar
Moe_Moe17
Comment
Moe_Moe17 commented Comment · Feb 28, 2008

im not trying to be mean or anything but this poem makes no sense to me you might want to consider reviewing it and make it more understandable

User avatar
[deleted1]
Review
[deleted1] wrote a review Review · Feb 28, 2008

-Save-Ferris- wrote:This is a poem based on a part of one story I'm writing. Not too sure on it to be honest.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Intricate detail might be a little too much to take right now
Yet watch his eyes as the watch the mirror
Then shift to his free hand and watch his fingers slips
Let's hope someone spots what is on the road ahead


Now seriously, see what he saw
Watch hand slide up leg
On the backseat
And, really now, we see the detail


So watch what falls out his back pocket and everyone gets the wrong impression
No but I mean really look at his lips and then,
Do you see a collision?


Really though, your eyes should be looking ahead
That's the real crash
But no jealousy is more important


Now honestly is the time to zoom out though,
Cause seriously
That's a crash you're setting yourself up for


Hmm...This can be improved by a lot. Fix the rythm and words up a bit. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

User avatar
-Save-Ferris-
Comment
-Save-Ferris- commented Comment · Feb 28, 2008

Somebody review please?



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star