well when i saw the title, i didnt know what to expect - i
thought maybe i should ignore it and pass on or something...
(as you may realise, i dont like sappy stuff...)
BUT THIS was not sappy! i havent read all of your work
but this was just beautiful without being mushy or anything
and i cant believe you thought it was!!!
only improvement i can see would be to add some more
punctuation - you dont have any question marks and not
enough commas... i know i prob dont always have enough
either but i'd like to know whether that was supposed to be
part of the effect or whether you just didnt put any in...
btw, what does the word 'segue' mean?... not wanting to
sound stupid or anythin but i guess thats the reason we're all
here - to learn from each other...
if you dont mind, i might print this off and show my friends
cause this is an amazing poem and you should be proud of
it! i just hope all of your stuff is this good!!!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
How in the whole wide world is this SAPPY???? That was AWESOME!!!! I got completely hooked as so as I started reading! The imagery and word choice was fantastic! I utterly fail at punctuation so I'll let someone else do that...But that was just plain great.
I would definitaly agree that thiis poem isn't sappy at all!
It flows soperfectly, so gently and you are clearly a skilled writer. It gives me a clear image in my head and I think that the lack of information is effective!
Darling, what are you trying to say? Your writing is the character in this poem, clutching and clawing to embody the meaning behind the words, but far too desperately! The first stanza is.. well, first we have pictureperfectwhiteperfect. That's jarring. And then we have acid backed right up into that, with the silent suffering and so and so. You delve into the inner turmoil right away, but you did dedicate a line and a half or so to the outside world, so either you have to amplify the contrast, or ditch the exterior completely.
Then second stanza is simple desperation, but then those nasty nostaglia winds take us for a ride in S3. I'm sorry, but now I'm a little lost. It is just so jarring to have such a innocent flashback right in the middle of some desperate clawing. I know that the contrast could be the desired effect, but I'm feeling you should go more for a descent into madness and misery gig instead of smashing colors like dirt reds and sunshine yellows together. It's like..orange. I don't like orange. So I suppose this is all opinion.
But now.. I differ. The last two stanzas lead smoothly into each other. You started off a bit bumpy, but ended fine. How skillfully you embodied that nervous character in that last stanza! From young women and formalities (school boy), to... "you know", unsure, insecure, and perfect.
Yet..taking the beginning, and all that burning acid pain, it all seems so ridiculous matched up to the simple, and yet profound, shame of the character. This descent (which might be bit backward) from concious desperation to passing insecurity NEEDS to be smoother. In stanza three you just turn us 180 degrees, and it just can't... fulfill itself. The ends seem unrelated, yet not polarized enough to be inverses.
I would cut the phrase "bleeding and dying." Tired emo imagery.
Other than that, though, I thought this was, well, gorgeous. It flowed beautifully and you actually pulled off the e. e. cummings tone really well (if that's what you were aiming for? Regardless, it was awesome). Nothing seemed sappy to me. Raw emotion, sure, sap, no.
You have typos in the title.
).
Otherwise, I have nothing to add save that I love the ending and the line breaks. Very effective. Also, "if we would have" seems a little awkward. Any way you could rephrase?
Again, I love that ending, it really brings the rest of the poem into focus so that you finally understand what it's all about (and it's not at all sappy, sorry
Cheers,
~bubbles
sweeeeet!!
you give sappy a good name!
it's a instant page-turner or a slidebar roller. Engaging, thoughtful and provoking.
it was brilliant the way you left wrong impression sown all throughout your work.
letting the reader think one way
and throwing him violently the opposite way with the very next line!
This is not sappy!
The only thing I see that you need is more punctuation, other than that it was wonderful! My favorite lines are:
in nightmares and daydreams
do you see yourself
licking wounds
bleeding and dying
clutching and clawing
at anything you see as
perfect
I had this image in my head that was out of this world! I love this poem. Keep up the writing I look forward to reading more of your works.
-laydra
?????
I spent twenty minutes commenting on this and it didn't show up? No way am I doing it again.
it was good, that was the overall message of my crit.
This was great! It expresses true feeling and it flowed nicely too.
"if we would have
spent our days lying
on our backs in grassy fields
making pictures in
the clouds would you be any
different?"
The best stanza I think.
"slice through your
sleep"
This one is on fire as well!
*applause*
The only thing that wasn't perfect was "still be seeing fading stars in
our steely blue eyes?" The steely blue eyes part was just over-descriptive.
I really like this. It's kind of like a sad daydream. And I really like the lack of punctuation.. I think it makes it even better. Too much punctuation would clutter it up and take away from the imagery.
By the way.. Brad never uses a word he doesn't mean to.
I was just about to attempt to define segue.. see it in pit music all the time.
Firstly, this is not sappy. I would call it more.. hum.. honest, but yearing, unsure.. punctuation (in response to KJ's comment) is not what i would stress in poetry generally. Question marks do help, however (as do occasional commas and periods..)
I love these lines. Another good poem, Brad. There are a few different meanings here as well.
sent shivers down my spine.
A revision is being sought, and will most likely be posted here by the end of the night under some anomolous pseudonym like "Revision".
I meant the word "segue," which is defined as the interconnecting bridge between two things, words, or ideas.
First off, I think he meant 'siege', but that's a side issue.
THis started off a bit a slow, repeating words right after one another
Things like that don't do it for me. The first couple of stanza's don't flow quite the way I see in your other poetry, like your going for sentences, but mess up in a few tenses or something. BUt as I got into the poem, about the third stanza, you came back out. I think this is about a very emotional experience, and you wanted to write about it, so you sat down and said "I will write" and after you started the poem came. A little revision and I think I could be in tears.
I don't know what segue means either. But I loved this. Not sappy at all! I just think you could definitely do without the "you know" in the last stanza, second line. Plus it could use more punctuation. Plus I don't really like the one-work lines, but that could just be me.
I agree with Green Monkey. Those last lines were awesome.
I really liked the poem though I do not know what segue means.... But I really did enjoy the last four lines.
"would i still be here
writing poems about a boy
who i do not know
anymore?"
clap! clap! clap!