Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really interesting story and despite how short it was, I really liked the genuine emotions you have managed to evoke from your readers. There is not much to take from this piece. its just a short and creepy story that makes you pause with a little unease after you reach the end. If that was the reaction you were aiming to derive from your readers, then you absolutely hit the nail on the mark.
"Well," said the boy, arms crossed against his chest, "Aren't you going to say 'thank you'?"
"Is that what you want?"
"I just saved your marble!"
"Then thank you. But it's not even as important as a marble. I'm not even sure it's mine."
The boy cocked his head to one side, eyeing the man curiously. "Whadd'ya mean, you don't know?"
"Forget it. It's not important."
"No! I saved your marble. That means you owe me."
The story was rather dialogue heavy in the first part. You managed to provide us with an introduction before you launched into the dialogue and maybe that is why it was easy for us to follow. The line of conversation was simple enough and even though we hardly knew any of the characters, it was not very difficult to imagine the little boy's persistent insisting and the man's unconcerned exasperation. Still, I would advise not to head straight into dialogue so early in the story. You must give us a sense of the characters and the story first before we are swept away by the dialogues.
The man was on the ground, clutching at his heart, panting. His face was strained, eyes bulging, as he clung onto whatever was left. The boy stood in a panic, only able to watch as the man writhed, and fell forwards, his eyes glazed over. His papers were dirty, covered in dirt and dust from the streets, and spots of blood which the man had coughed up.
I really liked your description here. It was simply, not overdone. But it was haunting enough to leave an impression on the child and the readers as well. It was a disturbing sight and I liked how well you translated its effect on the child to us. He is not familiar with death, especially when its so sudden and unnatural like this man's was and I could understand his urge to run away. I also liked the fact that you made a reference to his innocence, because it highlights his childish dialogue from before when he wanted to be awarded for saving the bead. The story took on such a drastic turn that his words almost felt foreboding to me on my second read.
All the while, the bead pulsed in his pocket, full of new blood, new life.
This is where I feel you could have filled the gaps in a little. You have captured the horror and thriller element very well. And with that there is the mystery of the glass bead. However, I feel like we never got any answers on that front. Its clear that the glass bead sucked in the man's life after his death, but we never got any explanation for that. You ended on a mysterious and haunting note, but you must not leave everything up to the narrator's imagination.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
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