z

Young Writers Society



The Glass Bead

by -KayJuran-


Freewrite this morning. Not really for anything - I was just testing out a new piece of writing software, and the first thing I saw to inspire me was 'Das Glasperlenspiel' or the Glass Bead Game, a novel I've got in German. I guess it's sorta practice for NaNo as well, as I was just churning it out, not really trying to get it to a certain level or anything - it has nothing to do with my NaNo's plot though.

The Glass Bead.

The glass bead rolled across the table, hitting the jagged wooden edges awkwardly, and fell to the floor. It bounced twice, glass against cold stone, before it was caught by a small boy, who grabbed it and jumped up victoriously.

"Ha! I caught it! Did you see that?"

The man who had dropped the bead sighed, gathering his papers into a somewhat organised heap, and held out his hand. The boy grinned as he dropped the bead into the man's open palm.

"Well," said the boy, arms crossed against his chest, "Aren't you going to say 'thank you'?"

"Is that what you want?"

"I just saved your marble!"

"Then thank you. But it's not even as important as a marble. I'm not even sure it's mine."

The boy cocked his head to one side, eyeing the man curiously. "Whadd'ya mean, you don't know?"

"Forget it. It's not important."

"No! I saved your marble. That means you owe me."

The man started to reach into his pocket, and pulled out a shiny copper piece.

"Is this what you want?"

"Hm." The boy snatched the coin, held it up to the light and examined it, before shoving it roughly into his trouser pocket. "You still owe me. What did you mean just then?"

"I didn't mean anything. And anyway, you're not getting any more from me. I didn't ask you to catch it. Here, have it if you like it so much." And the man pushed the small glass bead into the boy's hand, got up and started walking away.

The boy looked at the bead, cold and smooth, nestled in the sweat and dirt on his palm. It almost seemed to glow in the sunlight, full of colours like a stream at midday, or the bubbles that the other children were so amused by. He ran a finger over the bead, and it seemed it called to him, made him feel excited and uneasy all at once. He shivered and looked up, only to see the man disappearing around a corner.

"Hey! Hey, wait!" The boy cupped his hands around his mouth, as though speaking through a megaphone. "I don't want it!"

He started to run after the man, shouting after him, but stopped abruptly as he passed the corner. The man was on the ground, clutching at his heart, panting. His face was strained, eyes bulging, as he clung onto whatever was left. The boy stood in a panic, only able to watch as the man writhed, and fell forwards, his eyes glazed over. His papers were dirty, covered in dirt and dust from the streets, and spots of blood which the man had coughed up.

The boy reached towards him. Slowly. Hesitantly. He touched the man's skin, still warm, and watched his chest as it moved not an inch. There was no breath from the man's mouth, no movement from him at all. Panicked, the boy stepped away, turned and ran down the street, far too innocent a child to be able to cope with the death he had just witnessed.

All the while, the bead pulsed in his pocket, full of new blood, new life.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
659 Reviews


Points: 82352
Reviews: 659

Donate
Sun Apr 24, 2022 1:43 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really interesting story and despite how short it was, I really liked the genuine emotions you have managed to evoke from your readers. There is not much to take from this piece. its just a short and creepy story that makes you pause with a little unease after you reach the end. If that was the reaction you were aiming to derive from your readers, then you absolutely hit the nail on the mark.

"Well," said the boy, arms crossed against his chest, "Aren't you going to say 'thank you'?"

"Is that what you want?"

"I just saved your marble!"

"Then thank you. But it's not even as important as a marble. I'm not even sure it's mine."

The boy cocked his head to one side, eyeing the man curiously. "Whadd'ya mean, you don't know?"

"Forget it. It's not important."

"No! I saved your marble. That means you owe me."


The story was rather dialogue heavy in the first part. You managed to provide us with an introduction before you launched into the dialogue and maybe that is why it was easy for us to follow. The line of conversation was simple enough and even though we hardly knew any of the characters, it was not very difficult to imagine the little boy's persistent insisting and the man's unconcerned exasperation. Still, I would advise not to head straight into dialogue so early in the story. You must give us a sense of the characters and the story first before we are swept away by the dialogues.

The man was on the ground, clutching at his heart, panting. His face was strained, eyes bulging, as he clung onto whatever was left. The boy stood in a panic, only able to watch as the man writhed, and fell forwards, his eyes glazed over. His papers were dirty, covered in dirt and dust from the streets, and spots of blood which the man had coughed up.

I really liked your description here. It was simply, not overdone. But it was haunting enough to leave an impression on the child and the readers as well. It was a disturbing sight and I liked how well you translated its effect on the child to us. He is not familiar with death, especially when its so sudden and unnatural like this man's was and I could understand his urge to run away. I also liked the fact that you made a reference to his innocence, because it highlights his childish dialogue from before when he wanted to be awarded for saving the bead. The story took on such a drastic turn that his words almost felt foreboding to me on my second read.

All the while, the bead pulsed in his pocket, full of new blood, new life.

This is where I feel you could have filled the gaps in a little. You have captured the horror and thriller element very well. And with that there is the mystery of the glass bead. However, I feel like we never got any answers on that front. Its clear that the glass bead sucked in the man's life after his death, but we never got any explanation for that. You ended on a mysterious and haunting note, but you must not leave everything up to the narrator's imagination.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




User avatar
95 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 95

Donate
Thu Dec 22, 2016 6:41 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



My second review so far today, and like the last piece I reviewed, this is a very old work. Are you still active on YWS? If not, you should be--this was great!

If you expanded this into a longer story, I'd read it! The end left me with many questions about the bead, but I guess it was supposed to be like that, lol.
There were no grammatical errors, but I noticed one or two awkward turns of phrase, such as
"...as it moved not an inch".

Since it's been years, maybe you should reread it and see what you want to change. But overall, I enjoyed it immensely.




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 3

Donate
Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:57 pm



No mistakes, and great for a free write. 'nuff said.

Though I personally like more medieval and mesoamerican styles, but this really caught my attention. Keep at it.




User avatar
317 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 317

Donate
Fri Oct 19, 2007 5:06 pm
Kim says...



Free writing? wow, this is great, the detail, everything, are you going to keep going with this story?, i think you should.




Random avatar

Points: 1823
Reviews: 665

Donate
Fri Oct 19, 2007 3:59 pm
deleted6 wrote a review...



I like this Kay, I noticed no mistake and for a free write this was very exceptional. If I hadn't seen this on YWS I could imagine this in a collection of horror stories or thrillers. I love the simplicity and how it left me demanding to know about what this mysterious marble is and where it first came from. The whole idea was short though amazingly well wrote. I can say without a doubt this is the best thing I've read today. I like how the dialogue for the boy ain't perfect english and here's the odd thing when I read this I pictured Paris.





A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb