Published November 30, 2004
Okay, I did this in a bit of a rush so go easy on me... it sounds better if you say it aloud though.
Why the sorrow, why the pain?
Why the grieving, why the shame?
Why do tears shine in your eyes?
Why must I hear a thousand lies?
Why must I hear your mournful call?
Sorrow fading as you fall.
You hit your head upon the ground,
Your world now spinning round and round.
You pass away and so it seems,
The sorrows gone but not the means.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
My immediate response after reading the first line was that it was going to be whiney and cliche, which it was a bit, i spose, but it has lovely flow and rhyme and rythm. Definitely great for something composed in a hurry. I love the phrase "sorrow fading as you fall..." gorgeous. It rolls of the toungue.
I'd go back and fix the capitalization and apostrophe errors, and give this a title. Nice job.
Oops, sorry - am not very good at reading rules / instructions before i do things...
Thanks everyone who has left a comment!
This was a pretty good poem. Make sure you capitalize your I's, though. You also need an apostraphe in "sorrow's" in the last line, since you are using it in this way. The rhyme was very nice, though. I wish I could rhyme like that.
*Also, not to be mean, but the rules do say not to bump topics.*
Keep writing! You have wonderful potential!
-*-*--Diana--*-*-
That is a really good poem. You might have accidently used bad capitalization or you might have done it on purpose. Otherwise, yeah, the flow is excellent, and the rhyming... WORKS.
*grumbles* I think you remain one of the few people whose writing I can't critique properly.
flow's good, I like the parallels in the first part especially up to "sorrow fading as you fall". Now, as I'm so useful (almost as much as Jack!), I shall go and sulk and brood over it until I can be useful. good job, as always.
I'm just bumping this thread cause this is possibly one of my favourite things I've written, so please leave your comments. Thanks very much!
~KayJuran~
Its really good I like it muchously
Hey, thanks everyone for all the comments! I'm going to go look at other people's stuff now...
(realised I haven't commented as much as I could have done...)
I enjoyed it. Your flow is good, and the rhyming was so good you could barely tell it was there, it didn't sound forced or anything.
I loved it. The rhyming was the best part of it, it flowed really good and the rhyming was just...so good.
I could almost say it in song while I was reading it...in fact, I did when I read it...
This is really good.
Very quick and easy to follow, and nice rhymes.
I like your style, it could be changed in some parts to keep the flow, but I can't suggest much (useful aren't I!).
I like it.
Crisp pace, good flow and easy to read - my kinda ditty.