Published May 8, 2006
First poem I've posted for ages.. please be honest with me, or I won't improve. Oh, and please say if there's anything I can do to the ending. I'm not overly keen on it at the moment.
Bittersweet tears fall
into bittersweet tea,
rain dy(e)ing hair
and footsteps sound(s).
White roses framed
against a black sky, the
clouds standing proud
with a funeral tune,
and still the rain falls.
~Kay
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I think that this is running rampant with cliches. Spread this out a bit more, give it more balance.
Thanks for the comments!
Gummy, that was really helpful. I thought there was something odd about the brackets, but I couldn't see how to fix it before.. so thanks for that!
Didn't notice the absence of commas in the last line either.. I prefer your first suggestion.
Again, thanks for critiquing! *hugs all*
and footsteps sound(s).
It's the same either way - sounds, sound - so I suggest you just take away the "s". The tactic being applied previously, you don't want it to loose it's effect.
and still the rain falls.
Firstly, it would be: and, still, the rain falls.
But I find that "and the rain falls still"
or "and still falls the rain" suits it better.
Otherwise I loved this. It painted a melancholy image.
I liked this and i think they both said it all.
I don't really have much to say that Dream Deep hasn't touched upon. The images were gorgeous (especially the white roses against a black sky), but I didn't know what to make of the parenthesis within words. I understand that they imply double meanings, but, in my opinion, they take more away from the poem more than they add to it. I feel like the parenthesis are just cluttering and distracting the reader from fully experiencing the simplistic beauty of the poem.
Nice job, and I hope to be reading more from you in the future. : )
I loved this. I suppose it made no specific sense, but the images are beautiful. I didn't really get the whole dy(e)ing and sounds thing, but I didn't have to. Beautiful picture, I loved the bittersweet tears falling in bittersweat tea, and the white roses framed against the black sky.
So pretty I almost cried. *sniffs*