I need your help! I’m currently writing a poem - it’s about a couple who broke up at a young age and then reuniting five years on. I’ve written the first two verses. Can you add or change anything? How can I make it better?
This is my first poem by the way. Thank you
The biggest memory of all
We said goodbye, leaving everything we had to disappear.
Carrying on with my life was the hardest part,
You soon forgot about me, and I kept thinking where you were.
Had you done the things, you wanted to do? I didn’t.
You drifted away from me, many years ago now.
I still wonder about you? Have you really forgotten about me?
Memories begin to fade, just when you return.
Telling me my smile was the biggest memory of all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Cameron made some excellent suggestions-just work on placing of words, which can be the critical deliverance for a poem.
Very nice attempt. I'd like to hear more of it!
Wiggy
It's a nice start, and a good effort for a first attempt at poetry. My only suggestion would be to give more structure to the verses and maybe rephrase some of the lines so it sounds more poetic.
I just went over this quickly. Don't be afraid to experiment with different spacing and incorporate metaphors and analogies into your work. Look at some of the other poetry on the site, it'll help you settle into your own unique style. Cheers, keep at it.
Cameron
That's exactly what i wanted to write for that sentence, but i couldn't find the right word to add between thinking and where. Thanks Tanis
Hello. I just wanted to say what you've got so far is a great start and I'm sorry I can't give you any ideas of what to write next. I only found one tiny mistake but I'm not expert so I could be wrong.
Shouldn't it be You soon forgot about me, and I kept thinking about where you were.
Another suggestion would be to change it to this.
You soon forgot about me, and I'm left wondering where you are
I hope this was some help to you.