A/N: So the plot isn't very clear on this prologue, but if I do decide to post the first chapter it will get much clearer. Thanks for reading!
Unclaimed -- Prologue
by Kat
Jared rushed through the crowd of people walking on the same sidewalk he did, making him frustrated at how much time it took to take ten steps. I'm late! I'm freaking darn late! Nothing else was on his mind but his boss, sitting on the head chair of the oval table in conference room number five. Jared could even predict his expression: a grumpy one. Mr. Levinstrom was a very impatient man, so leaving him waiting definitely was not the best idea.
Everything had gone wrong that morning. Jared's alarm clock, that was set to half past seven a.m, never played its annoying wake up sound. His eyes flashed open a couple of minutes after eight o'clock.
"Oh my God!" He had shouted, staring at the clock on his modern wood bedside table. He kicked the sheets aside, and jumped out of the design bed. His whole apartment was based on the design concept, having furniture, what some could think, with very modern lines. He slipped into his suit, leaving some creases on the coat due to the rush, and continued the fanzine of getting ready for work, running between the bedroom and the bathroom, mumbling death threats to anything and anyone that would make him later to the 8:30 meeting. Especially threats directed to his alarm clock.
He had missed his ride to the office, and then he tried to catch a cab, but the traffic was impossible. He stared, worried, at his Armani watch, glaring at the minute's pointer slowly passing and the cab wasn't moving. He gave out a few bills to the cab driver, and ran off to the street.
The faces of unknown people passed him quickly, as he pushed his way through the vast sea of people. The office was just three blocks away. He turned left for a short cut, and, to his luck, the street had a quarter of the people the previous one had. He was able to move faster and as he got closer to the street that led to the office, his pace slowed down. He had fifteen minutes. After all, he was going to make it to the meeting in time.
He continued walking, his eyes traveling between the trees with golden and red leaves, early Autumn trees, and the windows of the shops. His pace slowed down as he walked past a pastry, the shop windows full with deliciously good-looking cakes and such. His mouth got wetter, and his stomach did back flips and growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday's dinner -- a sandwich and an apple, at the office.
His life was restricted to the office. He would even sleep there, if it wasn't against the rules. Sometimes, he only reached his bed after midnight. Jared's life had changed so much! No more parties, hangouts or even going to the movies.
He closed his right hand into a fist, and continued walking. Food would have to wait until the meeting was over. The next building was a house, with a double blue door, that was flashed open.
"But I'm bored!" Jared heard someone complain from inside the building. He continued walking, despite the fact that he believed he had heard that voice somewhere before. That was when he stopped his pace abruptly, emotions and hope filling him, confusing his thoughts. When he put a name to the voice, his heart tripped and fell, missing a beat.
Jared turned swiftly around, running back to the door. His steps were insecure and too quick, he was too confused to walk straight. He stopped by grabbing the door roughly, and panting. The girl leaning over the counter, and the woman behind the counter were staring at him.
Auburn hair, brown eyes. He was right. It was her. Mel! He screamed to himself, his voice apparently failing.
End of chapter
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139,566 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a mildly funny opening scene there. We've just got a classic situation of a person walking up a bit too late and its quite relatable and a fun way to start proceedings. We also get a decent sense of the general sort of personality this person appears to have here and I think it all comes together quite well in the end to introduce us to this scene here.
Oooh I like how we're building onto the general persona that was constructed up to this point. That's coming along really nicely and it works quite well in terms of letting us know where this particular story might be heading towards although as far as plot is concerned things have been kept very generic upto now.
Ohhh well this ending is certainly hinting at more than enough plot there to make for up the earlier. For a moment with it simply continuing on those earlier lines I was worried this was going to end without a proper hook but we've got ourselves a pretty powerful moment there to be ending on with the mention of this other figure that I suspect is quite important to the situation and leaving us with an ending which definitely makes us want to read on and find out more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You're right, the plot is a little bit unclear but it sounds like its going to be a great story. The last few paragraphs really caught my attention and I just can't wait to find out what happened next. Keep writing and PM me when you add more!
I agree with the comments that Seleneforeverdream said, most of the problems with this is that, like you said it is a bit unclear, but can be cleaned up nicely if you just rewrite a bit of the story. I feel like yes, the reader doesn't get much information, but you don't want to give away a lot in the preface, so I think you did well on that. This kept the reader entertained, and looking forward to what might come next in this story. Keep up the good work!
Hey Kat! I'm here to review!
Nit-Picks:
You should put an apostrophe in front of "specially" to show that it's informal, or just change it to 'especially'.
I personally don't like that your explaining your eyes as "flashing" open. I think maybe having his eyes pop open would work better.
Do you mean he passed a pastry shop? Also, "good looking" should be good-looking.
"Ate" should be eaten.
"Hang outs" is supposed to be just one word, so it's hangouts.
Change "despise" to despite. Also, I understand he heard the voice somewhere, but are you saying that he heard it somewhere before? That's what it sounds like... just add 'before' after "somewhere" or explain that the voice sounded familiar.
The first comma is unnecessary.
Character Development:
I haven't really seen a specific personality from your MC, other than that he's fed up with his boring and repetitive lifestyle. Going more in-depth on that in your next chapter is something I'll look forward to seeing. I mean, this whole prologue you've talked about him and his life, but his actions are really going to be what gives his personality away when he's interacting with other characters in your story.
Story-Line So Far:
I think I can see where this is going. She's a high-school sweetheart, right? Maybe a long lost love he decided to leave at college? Or maybe even a cheerleader he never had the guts to speak to because he was too much of a nerd? I want a surprise! Can I expect one in the next chapter?
Overall:
I like the story, but there's more that I'll be waiting to see. I'd like to see who Mel is... PM me when you have chapter one up!