Unclaimed
Chapter one - Awoken
by Kat
The girl unveiled her deep brown eyes, as she awoke into a new day. Mel sighed and got up. As soon as her feet touched the cheap pearl carpet that covered the room's floor area, the tingly sensation came back. Mel was sick of it. Every time she touched something, either with her feet or her hands, an unscratchable rash would rise beneath her olive skin, itching nonstop, driving Mel crazy. Part of her was gone, and the tingly feeling should be her body remembering her. It had started when she firstly showed up in this Recovering facility.
One year and a half before, she had been, supposedly, robbed and brutally beaten in an alley. Someone started the rumour that she was selling drugs and that a junkie got too excited, so at first people looked with disgust at her. Mel wouldn't comment on these whisperings; lies weren't worth her words. No one actually knew what had happened, or what she was doing in that forgotten dark alley -- not even Mel herself knew. When she woke up, she didn't remember a thing about that night, or any other night. Temporary amnesia, the doctors had named it. They said that when she'd be claimed, the trigger would come and the memories would drown her as a flood.
Mel was found, with nothing but an empty purse, bleeding onto the asphalt. The people that found her called an ambulance and took her into a hospital. She stayed there for three weeks. She was perfectly fine when they sent her away. No bruises, few scares. They sent her to the Recovering facility, commonly known as a Healing facility. The hospital needed the beds, they told her.
She still recalled the cold woman that was assigned to find her a facility where she could stay.
"This is the third facility we have visited today! There has to be a place for her," the woman had said, giving aa icy glance at the receptionist. Her identification tag said her name was Jenny.
Jenny looked at Mel, and felt sorry for her. The girl had no one, and apparently no where else to go. There was a room they had saved for emergencies. "Hum, yes. She can stay in that room," she said, pointing to the third door down the left hall.
"Right." The woman said, and left, leaving Mel scared, standing in front of Jenny. Friendly, Jenny led Mel to the room, and Mel laid on the bed, which was very similar to the one she had in the hospital. She quickly fell asleep.
Since Mel woke up, she felt like her body wasn't hers without her memory. She had only knowledge of two things: she believed her name was Mel, or something close to that, and that at least two people should be looking for her. When people were found without identification and without their memory, things would be done through three steps: the first one would be to run their fingertips through the data base. If that came up with nothing, like it had with Mel, they would send them into these facilities and put out flyers and run their portraits in the news. Mel waited, the days slowly passing, and still no one came for her. She grew tired of waiting, impatience craving its claws into her, and she suggested that she could go look for her family. For some reason, she wasn't allowed to go outside on her own. The head border of the facility she was in, didn't believe that anyone was looking for her. Maybe she ran away from home, one worker had said. Or she was kicked out, another suggested. She tried to sneak out several times, but she got caught in every desperate run, never reaching more than to the big avenue, down the street. Eventually, Mel gave up hope and lived her life as always: stuck inside a building with no one to talk to, and she started to ignore the fact that she had another life, before.
Mel slipped her feet into her fluffy bunny slippers and walked into her bathroom. She held her curly hair with one hand above her head, and washed her face with the free other. The bathroom smelled like hospitals, clean and sanitised. The sun that shone through the small upper window made the white tiled bathroom feel warmer and rather cozy. Everything around there was white, except for the occasional blue small details. Blue was more plausible in the halls and in the reception hall. As the fresh, cool water hit her face, her eyes popped out, more aware of everything around her. Someone knocked on the door.
"Enter, Sue," she shouted from the bathroom. As she had guessed, it was Sue with her daily breakfast tray. "Good morning, Sue."
" ' Morning, Mel," the mid thirties woman responded, as Mel walked out of the bathroom.
"Today's green, again, is it?" Mel asked, entertained, mocking Sue. The silvery blond haired woman had the habit of wearing a different color each day, depending on how she felt. It would be the only way to know how she felt, since if anyone asked her the answer would always be that she was perfectly fine. Her shirt, under the pale blue scrubs, was a dark shade of green which would mean that she was tired, but excited about something. Sometimes, Mel wanted to see her wardrobe. She bet it looked like a rainbow.
In general, Sue was a lively person, undoubtedly motherly. People called her Sue, although her name was Suzanne; but she liked it, it made her feel more connected to people, as if she had known them longer than she actually had. It was shorter and simpler. Just like the petite woman.
Suzanne smiled warmly at Mel, making the young girl grin. Mel liked to play with Sue; it was one of the few ways that could make her day a bit more fun and brighter.
"How are the boys?"
"Very well, thank you. They are inseparable! Ian and Michael make Courtney feel left out, when they act all brotherly. Well, you see, yesterday's afternoon..." Sue rambled on, talking about her three children. Mel had only met the nine year old girl; she was the youngest. She remembered it clearly, since she had nothing else to recall for almost two years, she remembered her current life very well.
"Mel, would you mind watching Courtney for a while, dear?" Sue requested, after entering her room. Mel was sitting on her bed, with her legs crossed, painting her fingernails a bright shade of yellow.
"That's an awfully bright yellow," the little girl commented, standing at the door right next to her mother. Like Sue, she was blond but she had greenish eyes, while Sue's were more of a deep blue. Probably from Sue's husband, Mel thought.
"Sure I can watch her," she said to Suzanne. She then turned to Courtney and enquired, "Do you want to paint your nails?" Courtney seemed to hesitate, staring questionably at the bright yellow on Mel's left hand. "I do have other nail polishers."
Courtney grinned and sat in front of Mel. "I'm Courtney."
"Mel. Nice to meet you, Courtney. I have this shade of blue," Mel suggested, after taking all of her five nail polishers from her bedside small dresser. They were birthday and other special occasions presents. Mel didn't really know her birthday, but the nurses made 25th February her birthday, since it was the day she first came to the Healing facility. Courtney looked horrified, making Mel chuckle. The girl went with a soft pink, with a layer of a sparkly silver over the top. The girl had opened up completely to Mel telling her that she had a crush on a boy at school, Max, and how Lindsey was always with him, saying bad things about Courtney. Mel felt relieved to hear of so many minor girlish problems.
Mel continued eating her breakfast, milk with cereals, and two cookies. Sue, Mel thought of her with sweetness. Suzanne was really her best friend there, always looking out for her. Suzanne had to leave, after finishing her babbling. She hadn't even noticed Mel wasn't paying much attention, reliving her meeting with Courtney. She had rounds to make, checking if everyone else was okay. Mel only liked two or three other residents. The others were a bit...creepy. She shuddered and decided to go out herself.
Mel walked out of her bedroom, and into the hallway. The hallway was colder, and sent chill's down her spine. The walls were white, as mostly everything, but had one single big blue line crossing it. Mel reached the reception, and smiled with false sweetness at Jenny, the receptionist. Oh, that's why, she thought when she saw the front door wide open. That was why it was so cold out there.
"Jenny..."Mel sang, her voice so smooth it wrapped around her like a velvet blanket.
The chubby woman, smiled and then her face dropped quickly. "No," she affirmed, determinately.
"Please!"
"No, no, and no," she declared again. Jenny crossed her arms, to give her words more strength.
"Pretty please!" Mel asked again, batting her eyelashes like a small child. The woman spoke no more, but kept her arms crossed as if a sign that her words stayed the same. "But I'm bored!" Mel called out, stretching her arms over the counter. Melthought of way she could convince the woman to let her out. She stared up to Jenny; there was no way Jenny would let her out. Mel was about to sprint for it, to run to the streets as fast as she could, when a hard breathing was heard at the door. A young man, holding onto the blue door, with his head laying low after a quick glance at them, was panting. What the H-? Mel interrupted her thoughts as soon as he looked up; Jenny turned to answer the phone. The first thing that occurred to her was that she knew him, before everything turned onyx.
Jenny dropped the phone and ran to Mel, as the man did too. Jared called Mel's name desperately, while Jenny called the nurses. They took her to her room, after realizing she had just fainted.
Jared was in a state of shock. What if it wasn't her? It had to be! It looked like her, a bit aged since it had been a year or so.
Hours passed, and Jared walked in turns around the room, waiting for Mel to wake up, twisting and stroking his hands. That he had missed his meeting, it never occurred to him.
-*-*-
Mel's eyes flashed open, very confused. Everything had fall onto her. She had a family! Alex! This thought was worried and screamed in her head. How was he? Where was he? Everything was confusing. Her mother? Her father?
"Melanie," someone breathe besides her. She turned to face Jared.
"Jared!" she cried out, running to him. She sat on his lap, and kissed him lightly. "You found me!" she cried out again. Water filled his eyes, and a tear fell down his rosy cheek. Jared raised his hand and stroked Melanie's auburn hair aside, locking it behind her ear with too carefully. He ran his lips along her skin. Is this a dream, again? Melanie rose her hands to his neck, and pulled him closer, gently. Their lips touched, with certain lightness, that was quickly replaced by a passionate, almost violent, kiss. The heat of the moment felt more lively than ever, and Jared dearly hoped he wasn't dreaming again. Mel pulled away in need for air, and sighed. She lay her head on his chest, relieved she had gotten her life back. "What took you so long?" She wondered, in a whisper.
Why had he taken so long? Jard was struggling inside his thoughts; his conscience told him to tell her now, but his heart wanted to keep the moment, so he rocked her until she fell asleep again, her breathing slow and even. It was far too quick. They had so much to say, so much to think. Jared's heart was heavy, between happiness and sorrow, while Melanie's was so light it could fly like a feather. He hugged her tighter, afraid she would disappear in his bare hands, like she used to in his dreams.
Should I tell her about Cassandra? Can I, even? Do I want to? he still asked himself. It would break her, like it broke him. He was; he was broken. Mel's death had done that to him. Broke him enough to turn him to Cassandra.
End of chapter
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi!
Sorry it took me a while to get to this review, I read the prologue as well and thought it was a really great way of beginning a story and loved how you left it 
I've put your story into one long quote with possible changes made in bold and crossing outs with comments in bold brackets, I'm being kind of picky though so do whatever you think best 
Overall: I love the cliffhanger ending to this- it really makes me want to read on! I think you have done well in introducing the story and kept enough of what is going on a mystery to make the story interesting but not too confusing, I liked how the prologue tied in neatly with this chapter too
In general there wasn't much that I thought could be changed but I could do with a bit more on how Mel feels in terms of being upset and alone. I think you could better show how she is suffering as surely staying in a place without friends or family for so long would be horrible. I think you could probably show this by perhaps recalling moments when she was really upset or talking more about her attitude towards staying there and the boredom she goes through each day. I think you could also extend upon the running away that you brush over- maybe you could tie in more of how she feels there in how she resisted people taking her back maybe crying or sitting in silence or anything like that
I also thought that it got a little confusing at times when switching between the perspectives of Jared and Mel, I'd stick to one of them until you get to a star then switch to the other as otherwise it can disrupt the story a bit. For instance when Mel faints you could just talk about everything going black and then after the star you could go on to talk from Jared's perspective of watching Mel wake up. I'm still not sure what Jared's connection to Mel is- is he her husband? I think you could add a bit more detail there but don't worry about it if it comes up more later
I think throughout this piece you used imagery well and involved the reader in the story, I really enjoyed it!
This was great! I'm excited to see what happens next. I wonder what really happened in the alley way, and who it was that hurt her. I'm glad Jared found her- the 'Healing' place sounds a bit like a nightmare, except, of course, for the ever friendly Sue! This went by really quick, to admitt and I was a little taken aback on how fast Jared found her, ect. I would've liked more of her feelings and thoughts. THe memories were good imputs, as was the Character Sue- she really brings light into the story. a little more description on the characters themselves;except,once again for sue and Courteny, who I had a clear image of in my head.
I can't wait for your next couple chapters!
The use of Mel's name in the first few sentences alone is a tad distracting and annoying. Try using pronounes like "she" and sticking with it. We'll know who you're talking about already if you already told us the girl's name.
Other than that little tid bit, I like it.
These sentences don't really match up; you switch from calling the character "the girl" to calling her "Mel" with no transistion.They also say pretty much the exact same thing using different words.
*had been, supposedly, robbed
this part doesn't make sense- actually, the entire paragraph is a little vague
*not the right word
Try not to use the same word or phrase too close together if it can be avoided- it just doesn't sound good.
25th February sounds sort of wierd- is that how you meant to phrase it? Also, you tend to use people's names way too frequently in your writing. Try to remember that pronouns do exist.
*her: an example of a placew pronouns would help
Looks good so far! You don't use pronouns enough and that's my main complaint, but I mentioned it already. Also, the plot is sort of hard to follow. You can figure it out if you try, but you have to sort of work at it, if you know what I mean, and most people reading a romance novel don't really want to have to work. Just try to explain what's going on a little more clearly. Other than that it looks pretty good. Can't wait to find out what happens next!
Hi, Kat! I am at last reviewing your story...sorry for the delay.
--but I try not to clog forums with full edits, especially on stories as long as this one; however, if you're interested, just PM me and I can go through line by line in a Word document. I'd be happy to help.
As I said to certainromances, romantic lit isn't my favorite genre in the world, so I'm never quite sure how to approach it in critiques. But I will do my best.
The most important thing in this case is a grammar/typo work-up. This feels like it was written rather hastily, because of the frequent grammar mistakes, particularly with commas and tense issues. You need to go over this carefully with an eye to those two things, or ask someone for help. You've probably seen me say this to others--it's become kind of a mantra with me
As for more substantive issues, I don't see any major problems. I felt like the characters were a little flat or stereotyped, but I tend to feel like that when reading romantic lit, so it might just be a characteristic of the genre that doesn't suit me. I just thought that I would bring it up.
Finally, let me tell you that I absolutely did not write like this when I was your age, and I'm very impressed. It's not perfect, but you're definitely on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing.
See you around!
~Stripes
Hiya Kat! Yay, you posted chapter one so quickly!
Nit-Picks:
I believe you only need one comma here, the second one.
"Despise" doesn't really fit... how about disgust? "Despise" is a verb, so you need a noun or an adverb before "looked", instead.
The comma is unnecessary.
Change "save" to saved.
This doesn't make much sense. "Assign" should be assigned and the "a" in front of "facility" should be taken out.
Change "flayers" to flyers.
A comma after "Sue".
Changer "awarer" to more aware.
Change "funner" to more fun.
"Knew" should be know
Change "bestest" to best.
.
"Reviving" should be reliving.
Switch "friandly" and "Jenny" around. Also take "she quickly fell asleep" out of this sentence and make it another one.
"Persons" should be people.
There's no need for a comma and change "decide" to decided.
Change "he" to the.
I don't like how she "flashes" her eyelashes. Batting her eyelashes would sound much better.
Put a period at the end.
Character Development:
I loved how you explained Sue's character, and how Mel has grown so fond of her. She's a unique person, who you can easily get attached to. I'd like some more on Mel's character, though. Mel just seems kind of distance to me, and so does Jared. They seem like major characters, so I hope to see more about them in future chapters.
Overall:
Woah, drama! I love this chapter so much, you had me eagerly rushing through it. What happened with Mel was a complete surprise, and I never suspected it.
So they're both married, because Mel said she had a family, and mentioned a guy named Alex, while Jared said he had turned to Cassandra. This is getting very good... I can't wait to read more!