*Hi everyone! I got this idea from a song, so I'm not sure how it will end. Anyway, the prologue is from the girls POV, but the following chapters will be from his POV. In this prologue, I don't give you much description of the characters so I'll post their appearance, because when I read a story I like to imagine it, along with the characters. So, the boy, who's name by the way is Matthew, is like this: http://imstars.aufeminin.com/stars/fan/ ... 467744.jpg (sorry I used him, but he looks just like what I wanted), only with brown eyes. Ella has medium wavy brown hair and green eyes. It's about 1,67 cm. Callie has medium straight light brown hair and bluish eyes. That's it! Sorry for the big introduction!*
Let me be {prologue}
by Kat
"Ah, life slips through our fingers," I said to Callie. She was sitting next to me, on the esplanade, sharing a big ice cream, covered with hot chocolate, with me.
"Don't say that, Ella! Don't you ever say that!" She cried, panicking. She still thought I was going to make it. How foolish of her! Can't blame her, though. Who would want to believe their best friend was dying?
I smiled at her blind faith.
"I'm sorry to put you through this, Callie," I whispered. She didn't hear me, and I hadn't meant for her to.
She was surprisingly mad at me, for being closer to my end then a normal person my age, and for acting okay with it. Also, she was furious because she thought that I didn't deserve this. She believed the whole Karma thing was all messed up. I still remember the tears and screams when I told her.
We were in my bedroom, sitting on my double bed, drinking lemonade. The sun was coming in my room, through the open window. It was about six p.m.
"Callie, I need to tell you something."
"Chill, Ella. Don't be so serious!" She laughed.
"Well, it is a bit serious..."
"Relax. It mustn't be that big of a deal. What could happen, anyway?" She sipped a little of her drink.
"Callie, I went to the doctor a month ago. They found a tumor, and I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's too big for surgery." Her smile dropped.
"Ha ha, nice prank," she mumbled, hopefully. Tears came to her eyes when she looked at me, and realised it was no joke. "But! You haven't got any symptoms! You're healthy as a horse!" Her hands were spinning around, and twisted, in the despairing search for an excuse, so that it could all be a lie or a mistake.
"Symptoms or not, I still got it."
I wrapped her in my arms, and we cried together. It was about one a.m, when she passed to paused sobs.
"Callie, listen to me. I have four months and some weeks. I want them to be the best of my life! Let's act normally, okay?" She nodded silently. That night, she slept hugging me. I had known her for eighteen years, my whole life. I loved her way too much. Strangely enough, her dad and mine were best friends too, as children. That's why we met so young.
"Ella? Are you here or have you gone for a quick trip to the moon?" She asked, waving her right hand at me, and bringing me back from my memories. I realized I was staring blankly at something behind her. Oh, the square fountain. The soft spring breeze shook my hair, its waves moving softly, brought to me the craziest idea.
My face lit up, and a huge smiled was born.
"Oh oh," Callie turned around to look to where I was staring wishfully. "No. Absolutely not." She crossed her arms, in support to her negative words.
I jumped up and said, "Oh, come on!" I pulled her arm and led her to the fountain. I slipped my flip-flops off and jumped in. I wore a white mini-skirt, and as the fountain was small, the water only reached my knees.
Callie refused to get in, but still smiled and laughed as I danced the cha-cha-cha, water version.
I spun and turned with great joy. My hair and shirt were already wet, from the water flying around, and I tried to get Callie wet. The sun shone bright; I would soon be dry. My eyes were caught by a boy, playing a sad melody on his guitar. How could he play such depressing music on a bright beautiful day?
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Let me be {1}Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Ah, the others have pointed out all of the little things in grammar and style that need to be edited
. But disregarding those, what you wrote here is a very pretty start 
. This theme with a dying heroine has been used quite a lot in stories, but for another seemingly sad soul to be involved in the picture... well, I'm eager to see what happens next 
.
Keep writing!
Hello! I'm going to review your work today!
Furious would be a better word for 'very angry'. The word very slows down the sentence.
The sun came in my room through the open window. -- Avoid passivity.
I realized...
And I get the gist of the second sentence, but it's grammatically incorrect. What exactly brought her the craziest idea?
I wore a...
Again, passivity is your only mistake.
Apart from that, cool story. I wanna read more.
I can't wait to hear more about that boy with the guitar.
Poor Kat, is she going to die?
*Very short, I know* ^^
Hiya Kat. I know this is kind of like graving digging.. but I'm going to review this piece anyways! Oh and I didnt really take the time to read the reviews above mine so if I accidently repeat them.. well sorry XD.
There are two particular things wrong with this. First the redundacy with the use of the word 'with' and second... hot chocolate? On Icecream? I'm sure you meant hot chocolate sauce or something of the sort.. unless I'm wrong XD.
No matter how much I try to understand their situation, this feel very overexaggerative. If you're going to impact you're reader, try saying it more like this.
"Please dont say that, Ella..." She murmured, her voice becoming soft.
That way it doesnt feel exaggerated and gives that feel of utter dispair.
I'm sure the 'that' should be a 'then'.
I'm sure the correct word for this should be 'on' not 'in'.
The first comma is not necessary.
But should be a sentence on it's own. Add the put to the other sentence. There's an exclamation point.
This part is riddled with mistakes. First, her hands were spinning around? Sounds a little too exorsist. Desparate would be a better replacement word for despairing. The last comma and the do should be taken out and in relace should be a 'to explain'.
This doesnt make any sense grammatically. It should be 'gone' other then 'went'.
Okay so thats it for my crit. Now onto my overall.
I liked this, but as was the first time I read it, it still didnt help me quite understand the whole next chapter. It sort of helped but I guess I wasnt too surprised.
Either way, I enjoyed it a lot and I thank you for an awesome chappy
From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Kat, darling! Music- here as requested!
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
Language Usage & Writing Style: Kat! This was good. You added in the perfect amount of description and intertwined the memory perfectly. Besides a few typos, the story was a very enjoyable read.
Imagery & Emotion: Your imagery is good, but now you should try to add in all of the senses for description. What does the lemonade taste like? How do the wet tears feel on her skin? Things like that will help the reader really immerse him/herself into the story.
As for emotion, it was pretty evident. You even included body language, which I don't find in a lot of pieces anymore. Good.
Characters: I thought that your development went pretty well, but I'm going to definitely need to see more of the girls' character in the future. I think Callie should seem a bit more stubborn about the whole thing instead of naive, while Ella should try and go out strong for her friend.
And I'm really looking forward to seeing more of the boy!
Make sure you focus on defining relationships well through the way characters act around one another. Relationships are crucial to developing your characters.
Plot & Storyline: Great job! This story really interested me, and you left it off with a brilliant cliff-hanger. I can't wait to read more!
Overall, I thought that it was a good piece. With just a bit of revising, it will be great.
PM me with questions and when you post more!
Love,
Music
I would love to review this, also, I really like what I've read so far, now to review!
I don't understand, "a big ice cream full with hot chocolate" ?
You could change that to "Don't you ever say that!"
It should be "though" not "thought".
I'm not too sure you should put "innocence" there, you could use "blind hope" or "faith", "innocence" just sounds wrong...
It should be "I hadn't meant for her to" instead of "I didn't meant for her to".
This sentence confused me
I think you've confused Feng-Shui with Karma, Feng-Shui is the Chinese art of arranging buildings, objects, and space in the environment in order to achieve energy, harmony, and balance. And Karma (i think this is what you meant) is like if you do something good then something good will happen...if you get what i mean? And if you do something bad, then something bad will happen to you. And also, instead of saying "thingy" you should say "thing" because "thingy" doesn't sound right.
*sipped
*"Callie, I went to the doctor a month ago. They found a tumour, I have terminal cancer, It's too big for surgery." Her smile dropped.*
Tears should have a capital 'T'
I think you mean "search" and not "research". "do that it could all be a lie or a mistake", that really didn't make any sense to me...
I don't think "curiously" is the right word to use here.
Overall, I really truly enjoyed this, and I definately think you should carry on, I want to know the relationship between the boy and Ella. And I would love to read from his POV. Keep up the work! Email me when you've posted the next bit please