Published February 4, 2006
Don’t believe it.
Someone is trying to spread the rumor that life is easy.
But you aren’t going to let them feed you that pack of lies are you?
I speak from experience here folks. The word to best describe life, is “complicated”. Repeat after me. Com…pli…ca…ted. You look incredulous. You think I don’t know what I’m talking about? Oh… You done messed with the wrong girl. I know alllllll about complicated.
Last April I was sitting at my desk trying to focus on my Algebra homework. I wasn’t being very successful. I never am. Next thing I know, in bursts Stacie. She’s talking a mile a minute about something. Talking? More like shouting. This is obviously another very important piece of information she needs to share with me. Maybe it’s almost as important as yesterday when she barged in to tell me about her trip to the mall where she bought a pair of hideous orange pumps with green polka dots and pink heels. I wanted to strangle the tragically confused shoe designer. But instead, I smiled and nodded when Stacie held them up and squealed “Aren’t they the greatest? Ever?!” Unh… what is it today?
“Stacie.” I interrupt her constant stream of verbage. “Just because you live right next door doesn’t mean that the rules of polite society don’t apply to you.” Turning back to my unfinished Algebra homework I try to refocus. “It would be nice if you would at least knock. And hey, how about phoning before you come over? Now there’s an idea.”
Stacie doesn’t catch my sarcasm. She never has, why ruin her record now?
“LYNNE!” You have to give the girl points for persistence. “I JUST FOUND OUT THAT FREAKED OUT FRIED POTATOES IS COMING TO TOWN!”
I don’t respond. So some crazy rock group is going to put on a spectacle practically in my backyard. I mean, am I supposed to get excited? But Stacie isn’t done yet.
“IT’S NEXT MONTH! JUST 23 DAYS AWAY! IS THIS NOT THE GREATEST? EVER?!” The poor thing. Her mind is no match for advertising.
Ohhhh…. y =5x +12 “Stacie. Would you please stop shouting?”
“Sorry.” Ah… the ears do still work. “But really Lynne, aren’t you excited? I mean, this is the first time that they have ever even come to this half of the country and they are coming to our town. What are the odds?!”
“No Stacie. I’m not excited. I have never understood your obsession with them. They aren’t good.”
Are you all catching this? Dealing with Stacie, who won’t stop bothering me even though I only answer her exclamations with rude or sarcastic comments, is not easy. It complicates my life. You still don’t think it’s that bad? Well, let us continue the story then. I didn’t know it when Stacie was nearly bumping her head on the ceiling of my room in her excitement, but she had already talked to my family downstairs. It figures. I don’t know why I expected that she would keep quiet all the way through the hall and up the stairs. But it turns out that she had already convinced Chloe that she needed to go to this great “cultural event”. Chloe is my sister and she’s ten and she has never heard of Freaked Out Fried Potatoes. She just hasn’t learned yet as I have that Stacie needs to be ignored. So the next thing I know, it’s 23 days later and I am headed to this little display of musical… embarrassment. I have to go because Chloe wants to go and my parents won’t let her go unless I do too.
Chloe is another thing that complicates my life.
“Lynne, it wouldn’t kill you to smile” my mother says as we leave on the 10-minute walk to the outdoor arena.
I call back over my shoulder, “You can’t really know that, now can you?”
My mother’s clichéd statements; yup, they complicate my life too.
The concert was… ew. I wish that certain mothers had the brains to tell their children that they aren’t any good. I mean, with encouragement, incompetent musicians think they can just impose their racket on other people. What’s more, they think that those people will thank them for it. And what tops it all off is that those people let themselves be brainwashed!
Brainless people complicate my life.
Okay, what is your deal? I am sharing words of wisdom gleaned from my tragic and very complicated life, and all I’m getting from you are rolling eyes and shaking heads.
You know what? You’re complicating my life.
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This was so good, I read it over three times. And I commented already, but still, I really like this, there are a few things you might want to alter, but I really love the ending. That we make your life complicated. I also like the fact that it seems as though you are speaking directly to me.
You're a great writer.
-Dani
You guys keep commenting on my writing skills. I'm very happy that you all enjoyed this. I did too and this is certainly flattering. But as Sarah pointed out, I do lack the important skill of developing and deepening plots and characters. That's why this is as short as it is and why the ending "falls flat". I never intended it to go anywhere because I knew I couldn't take it there. I suppose it is in effect a character sketch... and an illustration of how I like to talk to the audience... lol.
So thank you, thank you, thank you for all your praise! But, I just wanted to fill you in a bit on me and my writing... or lack thereof.
But we all love character sketches, no?
Anyway, I thought it was funny. Points for using the formula: y = mx + b. It was really funny... we were doing our calculus class, and our professor was like, "Okay, does anyone remember this formula?" Of course everyone forgot.
I read this a while ago, but I didn't have the consideration to post my comments on it.
I liked it. I do like the character's voice. What you expressed was typical of what we all, in some way or another, think about ditsier people, and the humor, interlaced with a little kindness, was perfect. I agree a little with Sarah in that the ending does seem to fall a little flat, but this doesn't bother me as much because it seems more like nonfiction than fiction. Of course, by it seeming to be nonfiction, it becomes even funnier.
So yeah! You're a good writer. Aren't you proud?
I can tell you're intelligent and an experienced writer, because this flows really well, and it's written very well. The main problem I have with it, is that you introduce to us a character (two including the narrator) but then the story just...falls flat. There's no depth to it, it doesn't go anywhere. Period. It's funny and it's fun and the character is fabulous, but this does not make a good short story or a good story period, it makes a good character sketch.
Well, I'm new at this, but if that got published, I'd buy it! Nice job!
-Dani 
Thanks for all the comments and compliments.... wow I didn't expect this many responses.
i liked this. i thought it was really good, i havnt read or crituqed in ages and then i came across yours and i thought it was excellent.
keep up the good work, cant wait to read more of your material.
I like this.
It is attention grabbing. While Sam is right that the other way is more effective, you have the concept of a hook down.
Despite it being sudden, I think it would be more funny if she heard her coming. Or you could say she must have been working way to hard because the " Next thing I know, in bursts Stacie."
I think that you should have the narrator describe what exactly FRIED POTATOES is; in her own way.
I think you should expand this paragraph. I think it would make a great conflict if Lynne said "No." This would really build character and opens up the opportunities for more interaction between the characters, which would really be a lot of fun for readers like me.
In conclusion: I like your style. I'd like to see your character explain more stuff to us, in the same manner you've been doing. I also think this can be extended more, with a little effort.
Yay!
The first thing I've read all the way through and WANTED to critique all week...
Firstly, a great line:
I laughed. It's so true... I know people like that. My mom's actually kind of like that. Victims of advertising!!
I agree that it moved a little fast, but it worked all right. I really have no constructive criticism, since I think all the nitpicks have been covered. It was a cute, funny piece, and a fun read.
Thanks!
*blinks* I knew it... I knew as soon as I left for rehersal that someone else was going to post here by the time I came back and say everything I was going to say... *growls*
So... let's do it this way:
I agree with Sam's first two points.
However, about the third one, (the one about the tragically confused shoe-designer)... You don't really need to explain that the character doesn't know just who designed the shoe. The shoe was designed (or thrown together as the case may be here), and the narrator knows this. The line, as you have it written, is short, sweet and directly to the point. So is the rest of the piece. I guess I'm asking you to keep it that way.
And as for possibly adding some pieces at the end, it did sort of feel like you could have added a little bit more about the concert and the "complicated"ness of Freaked Out Fried Potatoes... But please, make sure that you keep your last line as the last line. It is such a great way to end it and I don't want to lose that.
Going back to Shriek's comments:
She's right that you don't have alot of description in this piece and the pace is extremely rapid, but it works here. You have a very extreme "hit-and-run" kind of comedy going on here and it's "extreme"ly effective. *laughs at her own joke because no one else will* It's not that you couldn't add some description to this if you wanted to, but I don't think it would be necessary and you would need to make sure that you didn't end up detracting from the piece.
If you were looking to continue this later (which I'm not sure if you are), I would probably take back everything I just said in that last paragraph, but as a stand-alone piece, I don't think you need to add description.
I second the idea of putting "Ohhhh…. y =5x +12" into italics and breaking up that large paragraph (it was a little awkward compared with the rest of the piece).
*rereads piece and then gets a really big smile on her face* Oh yay! I found two actually original thoughts!
1) Here:
You need a comma after smile so that it reads: "Lynne, it wouldn't kill you to smile," my mother... (okay... so this is a nit pick instead of a thought... sue me...)
2)
Every time I read this sentence my mind gets caught on it because of the number of times you have the word "go". I have to go because Chloe wants to go and my parents won't let her go unless I do too.
I thank you for not ending that with "unless I go too", but it still seems a little overloaded with "go"s. I'm not sure exactly how you should reword this, but I'm sure there's a better way to say it.
Anywho... that is just about all I saw (and I've read this quite a few times... read it to Mommy, then Daddy and Bellator and then another time just for myself... lol.).
This really is good, darlin'... And I'm not just being your sister and being "nice".
Thank Dusky for leading me to this...it's the only good thing I've read this week...
"Don’t believe it.
Someone is trying to spread the rumor that life is easy."
I'd switch these two lines around. The way it is now, all impact whatsoever on the first line is lost since we don't quite know yet what we're supposed to believe. It makes your brain all jumbly...
'But you aren’t going to let them feed you that pack of lies are you?'
It's pretty redundant, so, especially if you take above suggestion, I'd get rid of it. (I'd tell you to get rid of it no matter what, but some people are far too attached to their redundant lines to get rid of them. Wait...I just did that...SEE! CASE AND POINT! So yes, do delete it, but you don't have to)
'I wanted to strangle the tragically confused shoe designer.'
Teehee...good line, but since whatever-her-name-is doesn't know who designed them, I'd put in something like that. Such as: "I wanted to strangle whoever the tragically confused designer was,". My own wasn't all that great, but I'm sure that you could come up with something better.
'You know what? You’re complicating my life.'
What? How? It was a pretty good line...but the piece seemed just a teensy bit incomplete. Add in another line or two of thoughts and/or events towards the end and you'll be good to go.
Again, thank you thank you thank you...
Ahah, sweet ending.
This was incredibly well written, and you certainly have a flair for comedy. I guess my biggest crit would be that this moves a bit fast. The entire story is an adrenaline rush (but with a complicated life filled with characters like Stacie, how could it not be?), which isn't necessarily bad if that's the effect that you're looking for. Still, the constant yakking of whichever character is on your narrator's mind and her firing of comments back at them, though hilarious, can also get a little redundant, not to mention annoying. Maybe throwing in some description of the characters' appearances (you could have fun with that, make their appearances just as ridiculous as their mannerisms), or development of the narrator could help change it up? Like I said, the pace of the story isn't a bad thing if it's what you're going for, but showing a new facet of the narrator could help the audience relate to her more. Plus, I think it'd be more of an enjoyable read if it wasn't so extreme.
Here are a few nitpicks I caught:
No comma there. (The "repeat after me" bit that followed this is gold--nice way to introduce the wit of the narrator.)
These sentences are pretty basic, and seeing as they're right at the beginning of the story, they might give the impression that you don't know how to write a complex sentence. If you're going to keep them, omit the word "being" because it sounds awkward. However, I'd word them something like, "As is the norm for me, I wasn't having very much success."
The y=bla blah part is a bit off tempo. At first I had no idea what the narrator was talking about--did she say that aloud or what exactly is going on? Because I was busy figuring that out, I completely missed the next sentence. Either put the y= part in italics (and consequently every other thought she has in italics to differentiate her thoughts from her talking about the past and the dialogue) or move it to where it won't be so distracting. Or clarify what she's thinking about. I think putting her thoughts in italics might be your best bet, seeing as you have a bit of that happening throughout the story.
This block of text should be broken up a bit more so it's more appealing to the reader. Here is how I would break it up:
Alright, that's all I've got.
In conclusion: this was an excellent read. The voice of your narrator was a strong, funny one. Nice job!
wow *singsoffkey* that was really good, I would try and crit it but it's almost midnight and there are trucks thundering through my brain. I'll give it a go in the morning
brownies promise (what?!?!? i never was a scout!)
Thank you for you enthusiasm.
But really I would love a total critique with all the shredding that you see fit. This just kinda fell onto paper today because I felt like writing... something. I didn't even know where it was going... lol. But, I know I'm not a greatly talented writer so I would definitely like all the suggestions I can get.
*singsoffkey* I adore you. Honestly, I do. I don't know why you don't write more stuff like this. It rocks all the awesome socks in target (and I'm dead serious here, I can't tell you the number of times I laughed during this).
My favorite lines:
Maybe it’s almost as important as yesterday when she barged in to tell me about her trip to the mall where she bought a pair of hideous orange pumps with green polka dots and pink heels. I wanted to strangle the tragically confused shoe designer.
“IT’S NEXT MONTH! JUST 23 DAYS AWAY! IS THIS NOT THE GREATEST? EVER?!” The poor thing. Her mind is no match for advertising.
“Sorry.” Ah… the ears do still work.
But it turns out that she had already convinced Chloe that she needed to go to this great “cultural event”. Chloe is my sister and she’s ten and she has never heard of Freaked Out Fried Potatoes. She just hasn’t learned yet as I have that Stacie needs to be ignored. So the next thing I know, it’s 23 days later and I am headed to this little display of musical… embarrassment.
I wish that certain mothers had the brains to tell their children that they aren’t any good. I mean, with encouragement, incompetent musicians think they can just impose their racket on other people. What’s more, they think that those people will thank them for it.
And of course... the ever so fabulous closing line:
You know what? You’re complicating my life.
Okay... I know... that was terribly unhelpful... but you know what, it's late and my brain is mush. I'll tell you what... Let me know if you want me to go through this and totally tear it to shreds and I will. I promise. I'll find something to tear apart.
But I just love how this feels like you're talking to me. It's such a great style of writing...