Young Writers Society

Bravo!

I feel the same way. So often, I take myself or a situation too seriously because it's "well, I'm going to college in a couple of years and I need to start doing such-and-such or stop doing such-and-such because I need to be more mature and responsible," but then something makes me go, "What was I thinking?"

I think what I loved about this was that it was less of an admonishment to love life and love living and more of a prayer that we can do so. You had some wonderful images in here that really conveyed the wonder and innocence of childhood. It gets harder to maintain every year, but it can be done. Don't hold back laughter, feel free to laugh and run and play and dream and believe the impossible.

And I think this overall message was great because it applies to everyone, but especially Christians, since we are commanded to be joyful.

Thanks for the read.

Whoa. I really don't know what else to say. Whoa.

bubblewrapped wrote:But. Um. Who worries about seemly or decorous? Do you?

Very beautiful

First, let me say that the sentiment behind this poem was beautiful. The whole idea seemed to strike a chord with me, because I often think about my childhood (only a few years ago, really) and feel sad that I can no longer climb trees just because, or play weird games with dolls, or whatever. So yes. This poem seemed in sympathy with those feelings and I appreciate it for that reason.

On another level, though...well... [turns into rabid critiquer] Let us begin at the beginning...

It is the children who know where the fountain is
from which spring life’s greatest joys.
They alone recall the path
that leads to the fairy lands where dreams live and breathe.

This whole stanza seemed awkward to me. I love the concept. It's definitely unique. But - the dreaded but - the way it is expressed is kind of clunky, IMHO. Perhaps it would flow better if you compressed it slightly, sort of like:

It is the children who know where the fountain is,
the spring of life's greatest joys.
They alone recall the path
to the fairy lands, where dreams live.

I dont know. It's your poem. I just think you need to reword it so that it flows better, and perhaps establish a regular rhythm.

Why is it that only children can laugh with the flowers?
What prevents the rest of us from challenging the wind to a race?
Are we truly too old to carry on a conversation with a babbling brook?

I hate to say it, but this bit is SO cliche. The idea is lovely. The reality, however, is less than appealing. It reads so sentimental and...young. I know, I know. It's a poem about returning to childhood, et al. But that doesnt mean it has to be childishly executed. I think this stanza could really use some subtlety (like me). And some new imagery.

Somewhere we’ve confused childlike with childish.
We think maturing means leaving dreams behind.
We think growing old means we must grow up.

I like this stanza. It's kind of Peter-Pan-esque.

To worry over what is seemly and decorous,
is to give up life’s greatest adventures.
We sacrifice tremendous joy on the altar of public opinion.

This is fine. But. Um. Who worries about seemly or decorous? Do you? I more often worry about money. And practicality. Unless we've somehow been time-warped back to the Victorian era and I havent noticed, I dont think either seemly or decorous really fit here.

The addition of years and inches cannot be stopped.
But, let us never lose the heart that longs for love.
Let our feet never forget what it is to run bare through the grass along the riverbed.
Let our eyes never become blind to all the surrounding beauty.
Let our lips never hold captive a laugh.
May the smallest glimpse, the slightest murmur, keep us dreaming.

Now THIS I like. The last line, and the first line are excellent. The bit in the middle was so-so, but honestly, it works.

Overall, I'd say that it does need some work. Chiefly, I'd like to see you reduce the parts that were too direct - it reads as kind of preachy. Breathe some life into the subject! Break the mold of sentimentality! Create something fresh, and new, and REAL....

OK. I'm done. I'm sorry if I was mean, I've had very little sleep and life is crashing down around my ears at the moment, so I might be just a tad over-zealous at times. Over-sharp. So yeah, sorry. I'm going now.

that leads to the fairy lands where dreams live and breathe.

But, let us never lose the heart that longs for love.

Adorable. It makes me want to be a kid again. It also inspries me to go write so off I go! Awesome job.

I like it, especially the topic just wonderfull.

I personally don't like the structure here, in your first stanza the first lines break is kinda anoying. It looks like you forced that stanza into being 4 lines..

The other stanza's they all... well it seems like between each stanza there's a line missing which leads to another. I can hardly find a connection between the stanza's.

My fav stanza was the last one
Really nice topic and nice imiginary
Keep writing !

We sacrifice tremendous joy on the altar of public opinion.

I love this line. Flat out, plain and simple, I love it. It's a great image and it's going to be stuck in my head for a while.

Why is it that only children can laugh with the flowers?
What prevents the rest of us from challenging the wind to a race?
Are we truly too old to carry on a conversation with a babbling brook?

This stanza was probably my favorite. It had some really great images as well.

I read through this several times, looking for anything that stuck out or that I thought needed changing... I didn't find anything.

Great job!

a men. A men. The greatest defeat I've ever had, and the stupidest thing I've ever done, was when I let myself believe that adults were living the right way, were wise, and life really does suck as much as they want it to. Life is play. Play is love. Love is kindness and caring and all good things. Childlike is natural and human, and

a men. Great poem.

simply. amazing.