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139,486 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Okay, I see that most corrections have already pointed out so I'm just going to talk about a few things:
Horror Island:
This is kind of cliche, unless it is an amusement park thing. Otherwise, wouldn't normal people be a little creeped out or at least parnoid that they live on a islanc called Horror.
I don't know if that's just me so don't change it unless other people mention this...
Plot:
You seem to have a pretty solid beginning here but, as people have already pointed out, the telephone thing with her seeing the caller ID and then asking who it is. Kind of odd. I would just maybe mention that Colt sounds different and she didn't understand it was him or something.
Characters:
These are solid too, but you will need to have more info on these two. Why did he walk out on her besides wanting to find himself? Did they have a fight? Needs to be more info on that.
Otherwise, I think you have a good start!
Keep going!
Midnight Horror? Who calls an island that out of a Scooby-Doo mystery?
I don’t like writing sounds out like this, even though many other people do. I think it looks rather childish and choppy. But your choice. ^_^
Should be “Was burst out of her nightmare…”
You’ve mentioned that she’s just woken up from a nightmare. Wouldn’t she be showing more emotion than just yawning? Is she shaking? Gasping for breath?
Just one twin bed is kinda funny. Like, one twin. Normally if you say “twin bed” you’re referring to two beds.
The profanity here seems out of place. Perhaps rephrase, or find a different word? Only “damn” doesn’t seem the right word to use in this context.
This sentence needs reworking. It’s too long, and there’s a few mistakes in it. Always use a small letter for dialogue tags like this, there should be a comma after “minute”, the wording is too wordy, and your tenses don’t match. Make it look something like, “Hold on a damn minute, will ya?’ she growled. She rose from the bed and sorted through the pile of clothes she had discarded on the floor last night, looking for the source of the ringing.
This should be, “Shit,” she mumbled. Gee, she likes swearing a lot, doesn’t she?
Gropping = groping. Spell checker is your friend!
Huh. Weird name.
Too much stuff here. You say that she flipped the phone open, which must mean she’s going to answer in the next breath, then you say that she answered, then you say that she grumbled. It’s too much, see? Reword to something like, She flipped the phone open. “Hello?” she grumbled, still half asleep.
Should be, “Who is this?” she asked nervously. And hey, didn’t she just see who it was through the caller ID?
Space and small letter and comma. So, “It’s Colt. I need your help,” he answered.
been 3 years since she last seen him.
It’s best to avoid contractions like this in narrative. “It had” works just as fine.
Doesn’t sound little later on… I assume she’s being sarcastic? This could be better reworded like, She hadn’t heard from him since that little incident that night in the kitchen and there’s still too many “that’s” in there.
Nix that comma.
This is like before: too much info saying the same thing. Trim to something like, She sighed. “If it’s about money, Colt, you know I can’t help you.”
“Answered” is sooo tame for this situation. I’d leave out the tag here altogether, to emphasize the dialogue. Your spacing is wrong at the beginning, too, and you don’t need that first ellipse, and the second is too long. So, “No, it’s not about money… Marissa, someone’s trying to set me up. You’re the only one I felt I could trust.”
And I have to ask, Why? Why is the woman he left and who probably still hates him, the one he turns to in his hour of need? You have to make the actions believable or explainable.
Write these numbers out, don’t put the numerals. Anyway, we don’t need to know exactly how tall she is, or how many guys she’s dated. You’ve mentioned her long legs, and that’s a good way of showing us that’s she’s tall, so you can scrap all this info.
Make this a new paragraph.
Why?
Depresson = depression.
Hen = he
Aross = across
Should be, “Colt! Answer me, please!” she cried in despair.
Um… how many people do you think would actually say something like that? And drunk to boot?
Write the number out.
Small letter on “she“.
Her = he
Why is he saying it slowly? Wouldn’t he want to say it quickly, get her to understand before she hangs up on him or something?
Gee, two tags both saying the same thing! And how can Colt NOT be outside her house, when she just saw his car outside? The sentence reworded should be, “I know you ain’t outside my house,” she said, her southern accent getting the better of her.
Do we really need to know all this just now? You’ve introduced the conflict with Colt being outside, and the main point of interest now is what’s going to happen next, not old history about Marissa’s accent.
I’d take the bolded bit out as it drags a little. Make it, Colt’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Marissa? You still there?”
Comma, small letter.
Comma, small letter. Perhaps you could find another word instead of “replied”?
The info about her height? It applies here as well. It is not necessary for the reader to know the details about the character’s pubic hair in order to like them.
Writing out numbers. This detail about his height isn’t very realistic. When I see someone, I don’t think, “Hmm, dark male, about six foot one inch.” I just think, “Woah, he’s tall.”
Too many tags, commas, small letters! Should be, “Um… come in, I guess,” she said, opening the door. She stepped back to let him in.
“Thanks,” he replied.
“Replied” is dead boring, anyhow.
---
Hi! Don't get put off by all that. I'm harsh only because I care.
Just now, I don't really like Marissa that much. She has a perfect body, a thin nightgown which shows everything, an unhappy background, she was teased at college because she was different, and now her ex is at the door. I don't know, it could be just me, as this isn't really my type of story.
Always proof read and run the spell checker. What you need to watch out for mainly are too many tags for one bit of dialogue. Tags can be wonderful, but they can also get in the way, and here I think they tend to get in the way too much. Dropping tags off won't kill the dialogue. Or if you do want tags, make them more exciting than "he said" "she replied". Don't rely on adding adverbs ("she said nervously") to make it interesting.
It was an interesting beginning, though, and there's very good story in here! It just needs polishing up. I'll try and crit the other chapters tomorrow, and sorry that this one was so long in coming.
Happy tweaking!
Hello darling, Max at your service. Anyways i read it and thank God you didn't bore the hell out of us. At least not me. Ok first off I'm happy you didn't tell us about the nightmare, because that's not good writing it's pretty much just blah blah blah and then she wakes up. Booooring. But thank goodness you didn't do that but I like how you bluntly put it, she awoke from a nightmare, makes th ereaders wonder what nightmare? What was it about? So that's something I wanted to thank you about. Anywho, the scene where she has the flash back of what happened between her and Colt it was kind of akward. I had no idea why the hell there was broken glass, why she was limping, or what had started the conversation in the first place. Very akward but if you are going to revial what happens later on that would be good. I'm going to read chapter 2 and see what else you have cooked up. You have a great story here and I think you put a little soul into it, which is what made it more.... I dunno realistic? I liked how you discribed her body, it wasn't like,
'the flowers could kiss her hair, it was a butter color type. blah blah blah.'
But another thing would be, don't make your character perfect, because then the reader might feel bad about themself and they might be like 'oh brother no woman or man is THAT perfect' I liked how you also discribed how tall she was 5'9 it's pretty tall and it doesn't make her perfect, whihc is a good thing. Like I said before no one is prefect. Overall great story I'm heading off to read and crit chaper two.
your friend as always
-Max
Hey there, good story, liked the imagery and descriptiveness. still a bit new at this reviewing lark, don't know how to just quote one bit, oh well.
keep up the good work
ok...reedited!
Midnight Horror Island
August 15
I know this was mentioned earlier, but could you give a year?
1:39 a.m.
Ring......ring....
Marissa Calhoun burst out of the nightmare by the sound of her cell phone ringing. Yawning, she reached over to her nightstand to answer. Her hand caught air.
Frustrated, she threw the covers off and swung her feet over the side of the small twin bed.
Ring....ring...
"Hold on a damn minute will ya?" She grumbled, rising from the bed, she walked a few steps searching for the the small pile of clothes she discarded on the floor last night and shifted through it, looking for the source of the ringing. She shook her pants until her phone fell to the floor with a loud clatter. "Shit." she mummbled. Reaching down, she fumbled for her phone, gropping in the darkness. Finding it, she stood up straight, touching the screen to show the caller id.
Its mumbled, not mummbled.
Brad.
Flipping the phone open, she answered.
"Hello?" She grumbled, still half asleep.
"Marissa? Is that you?" a hushed male voice asked.
"Who is this?" She asked nervously.
Okay you mentioned earlier that the caller I.D. said Brad.
"It's Brad. I need your help." He answered. Oh, God. It'd been 3 years since she last seen him. After that little incident that night in the kitchen, she hadn't heard from him. She could remember that horrible night when Brad had walked out of her life, and her dreams forever. She sighed before answering.
Write out the numbers, it looks better.
"If it's about money Brad, you know I can't help you." She said.
" No..it's not about money.....Marissa someone’s trying to set me up. You're the only one I felt I could trust." He answered. For a moment she actually felt sorry for being angry at him for all these years.
Without knowing it, she started pacing the room, running her free hand through her short strawberry blonde hair. After Brad had walked out of her life, she went and got it cut it into a short bob and had kept it that way ever since.
I love this part with the hair.
Her long legs seemed to carry her from one side of the room to the other in no time. At 26, she was tall for her age and she knew it, she just didn't like to admit it. Standing 5'9, she was taller than most the guys she had dated, though it was a short list. Marissa heard from one of her friends at work, a small newspaper in Horror called Midnight Horror weekly, that Brad had become a huge executive with the firm he had been working with those few terrible years ago.
After Brad had joined with the company, Masson and Co., it didn't take long till he went into depresson and started drinking. At first, Marissa didn't think to much of it, until the night when he had dropped a shot glass on the floor in their kitchen, too drunk to care. Marissa had nearly cut her foot open when she ran into the kitchen to see what had happened. That was the night when hen had grabbed his coat and walked out the door. Tears formed in her eyes as she remembered that night.
"Where are you going?" Marrisa cried, holding her injured foot. She hopped up and down on one foot trying to get to the chair, while avoiding the shattered glass scattered aross the kitchen floor. Brad just ignored her, apparently to drunk to notice.
"Brad! Answer me, please!" She cried in despare.
Despair, not despare.
He stopped halfway out the door. His head lowered before he silently whispered, "To find myself." Those were the last words he had spoken to her in 3 years.
Okay that sounds awkward. Those where the last words he had spoken to her three years ago sounds better I think.
Slowly, the memory faded. She let out a hard sigh.
She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "Where are you?" She asked walking over to the window. She caught a glimpse of a familiar looking car parked on the other side of the street. At first she was just stunned to think that he would come here, then anger took over. She paced harder and faster, nearly running into the nightstand by her bed.
He must have sensed her unease, because her replied slowly, "I didn't know where else to go."
Angrily she said, "I know you ain't outside my house." She said, her southern accent getting the best of her. Normally, she tried to keep her accent in check, but it got the best of her at times. When she first went to college, where she met Brad, she didn't care about her accent. During college, she was often looked down on because she was 'different'. She came from a small middle class family in southern Georgia. After she met Brad, she didn't really worry about her accent, she actually sort of forgot about it.
A voice interrupted her thinking. "Marissa? You still there?" Brad asked, sounding a bit worried.
"Yeah I'm here." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Look, I'm sorry, I just didn't know where else to turn. Can I please come in and explain?" Brad asked.
Silence.
"Please?"
"Um.....hold on and I'll unlock the door." She replied, stumbling down the steps to the first floor of her house. Checking her appearance in the floor to ceiling mirror. Her nightgown was a extremely pale tan color, almost see through. You could see the outline of her slim hips and petite waist, the soft triangle of curls covering her sex, and her small, round firm breasts. What am I doing? she asked herself when she realized what she was doing. She hurried to the front door, fumbled with the chain lock, then unlocked the dead bolt.
I can't help but notice you use fumble quite a bit.
She heard a car door shut, followed by footsteps on the gravel. She turned the porch light on before cracking the door open. The shadow of a man standing about 6' 1 stood in her doorway. His broad shoulders and dark hair was all she could see. Same old Brad, though more in shape.
"Um....come in I guess." She said as she opened the door. Stepping back to let him in as he said,
"Thanks." He replied.
Other than the grammatical mistakes I say the book sounds pretty good. Keep going and good luck.
Really good start, I like how there are two main settings, the present (Marissa's bedroom) and the past memories of her and Brad's relationships. I think you should use flashbacks in chronological order of their relationship, broken up by returning to the bedroom (and the confrontation). You could show how the relationship started and why it started to fall apart (they argued all the time?) I recommend a book by Ben Elton called 'Blast From the Past' which has a similar story, a woman is visited by her ex from several years ago, and the book is broken up into flashbacks of the past and their current meeting, which is effective and very moving in places.
You're quite vague describing Brad's life 'someone’s trying to set me up' ... 'After Brad had joined with the company' (what sort of company? & are these two things linked?) It's always important, especially if this is going to be developed into a novel, to know every single little detail about your characters and their lives. A writer came to visit our school and told us she planned to set her novel in a castle, so she spent a year staying at one, writing descriptions about the building until she was sure she knew the place inside out. A little research about the field of work your character is involved with or the area they are supposed to live in will make your story much more convincing.
I think it would work more if the two main characters were contrasting, perhaps even extreme opposites. Could Brad have a temper? At the moment he's not very impressionable.
Also bear in mind that if you plan to set your whole / most of your book in one setting (Marissa's bedroom) the reader may lose interest. If your two main characters are constant throughout, something else needs to be varied, and this could be the settings.
At the moment a really good beginning which interests the reader and I'm looking forward to you posting more
Hey there! Looks like I’ve found time sooner than I expected =) Sorry this has taken so long, dear, but without further ado, here it is:
Overall, it’s pretty good. The plot line so far has been a little slow but intriguing and I think I’d keep reading. However, you need a little more description and a little more characterization. What sort of people are they? Does Marissa feel nervous talking to Brad? Does she bite her lip a little? Or is she angry? Does she scowl or frown? Think about her reactions to each line of his dialogue carefully and where appropriate, tell us what they are. Convey some sense of who she is through her actions and her thoughts. And Brad. He doesn’t have a distinct voice. The reader can’t tell if he’s a smart sort of guy, a relaxed sort of guy, a lazy sort of guy or really what sort of person he is at all. Work on that a bit.
And when describing, think of all five of the senses.
Hope this helps a little, feel free to pm me with questions or if you edit it,
Heather xx
YEA!!!!! *jumps up and down*
It's much better, but there is still a motherlode of grammar/spelling mistakes and that kind of turns me off. Be careful about the grammar next time.
The flashback was a neat trick. I liked that you added that.
Grade: B+
re-edited!!!!
I love how you managed to have very few mistakes which is a good thing. what I don't like is how you she sees the name of the person calling and still has to ask who it is. i honestly think it should be corrected.The whole idea of showing total heartbreak( where she cut her hair after what Brad did) is a good touch. The story could however do with more emotion and description. A good case is where the character is woken up at a ridiculous hour by a guy she has not seen in three years. It is a promising story and i hope that the continuation will be better.
thanks...chapter 2 ! coming up.
Other than the oh-so-many grammar/spelling errors, you have a pretty good story. The plot is bordering on cliche, though. Nothing left for me to say.
Grade: B-