Last Stage

My feet stumbled a bit on my way to stage; I felt piercing stares searing my back. Retaining my pride, I hitched my crown to balance on my head and teetered up the stairs. The lights and audience applaud met my entrance.

"I am King of this land!" I posed with my arms outward from my side, standing on one foot. This garnered laughter from the crowd and the development of clapping towards the back of the theater. My heart fluttered and my short stature rose a bit in confidence. "But something's wrong this evening. Terribly wrong!"

As my scene ended I whisked off stage to the right, almost bumping into a classmate preparing to perform. I barely noticed, though. The splendorous environment of the backstage world was already enveloping me.

Light pursed tight ends of curtain shadows, and props were leaned all about. The glow of dim light from above glittered faintly against the glossy wooden floorboards. This was where I always wanted to be.

"How's it going, Anita?" She giggled at the mens' clothes that I wore, and blush along her cheeks matched the frills around her dress. "Y'make a great King. The seniors will love it."

"I hope so." I stood proudly over the freshman and her short, crumply brown waves. "I won't get to see the real performances next year."

I met Mo on our second day of school. She thought me to be a freshman but I was a junior. I caught her in the school auditorium during an hour entry wasn't permitted, and in the darkness I could barely see her milky brown irises.

She snuck in through the back door, too.

That was my first thought.

She's just like me!

Mo giggled and pointed to my headphones. "Are you sure you should be wearing those on stage?"

I glanced down to the pair of headphones around my neck; the long chord hung low near my feet, only to swoop up to my back pocket where it was plugged in to my IPod. Grinning, I pulled the chord up slightly and it fell comfortably where gravity called it. "You don't like it, huh? I think I look like a modern day king."

"It clashes with your outfit pretty badly."

"Ah, well. Think Mrs. Johnson'll notice it?"

"Anita, they're calling you!" Sure enough, a student on the other side of the backstage was waving me down. My mindset altered. This was my last scene, after all. It was my final performance before moving away--it had to be the best.

I rushed to classmate waving, and without realizing, my foot stepped down onto my headphone chord. There was a snap and I tumbled through the curtains and onto the middle of the stage.

My crown drooped from my head, defeated among my long, frizzy hair. The Princess stepped forward. "King! You've finally made it here!"

I stood up, smiling brighter than the spotlight as I straightened my crown. The audience was clapping.

Some last performance.

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Points: 1538
Reviews: 61

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:10 pm

Jadefox wrote a review...

Hey there,

This story made me smile right at the first sentence.

My feet stumbled a bit on my way to stage; I felt piercing stares searing my back.

It prepares the reader for what's to come emotionally, awkward or something going wrong in this performance. I ended up smiling and laughing more at the end because it would probably be a mistake that my friend who's in drama would make. (She's an amazing actress, just...clumsy at times. In a good way!)

There were a few grammatical errors, nothing that didn't stop me from enjoying the story.

As my scene ended I whisked off stage to the right, almost bumping into a classmate preparing to perform.

This sentence read a little awkwardly to me. Maybe rewording it a little would help-

I whisked myself off stage right into the wings as my scene ended, almost bumping into a classmate preparing to perform.

Something like that and same thing with this sentence, it's a little incomplete.

She giggled at the mens' clothes that I wore, and blush along her cheeks matched the frills around her dress.

She giggled at the mens' clothes that I wore, and the blush that appeared along her cheeks matched the frills around her dress.

And one last quick edit, iPod is spelled iPod not IPod.

What a cheery story! It reminded me of our seventh grade play. I didn't have a lead, but I was supposed to quick change the male lead. We accidentally ran out of time and were forced to send him out with a shirt flapping open, shoes half on, and him hiking/zipping up his pants! Luckily it was just rehearsal!

In your story you caught the funny side of theater, where something always goes ary!

-Jadefox

Points: 3891
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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:35 am

Snoink wrote a review...

Hahaha! Of course! All performances have to be like that — there has to be some hitch or something to make them truly memorable. I mean, you can’t have it perfect, ever! That would just make it too easy.

I only acted in a play once, but I played lots of concerts, and let me tell you… I only had one concert that ever turned out perfectly. Ridiculous!

Okay, okay… your work! So, one thing that you can do which would really help improve this piece is to make sure that we get to know your character. At the moment, all we really see of this character is that she goes on stage, goes off stage for a bit, then goes on stage for a bit and falls on her face. Whoops!

However, we don’t really get to know her or her thoughts and her feelings or anything like that. This is a shame! Anita seems to be a wonderful young lady — let us get a chance to know her! You are using first person, which is an excellent opportunity to let us get into her thoughts and feelings and fears as she goes on the stage.

For example! When she rushes back on to the stage. I find that many different artists (be they actors or musicians) have to do several different things before they go into the limelight, and nearly everyone has a different coping mechanism that they have to get prepared. Let us know what Anita’s is! This will give us an opportunity to observe her character, and it would help us empathize with her more — after all, most people understand how nerve-wracking it can be to speak in front of people.

Also, right now, your humor kind of falls short at the end. She falls and she gets up, and everybody’s clapping. And then there’s a kind of sarcastic comment at the end… or maybe it’s genuine? We don’t know, because we don’t really understand who SHE is, as a person. So, again, you might give us opportunities to let her speak for herself.

So, how can you do this? Well. You can consider to show us her thoughts. You can show us her actions, especially the subtle ones. (Does she kind of have to shake herself out of her part after Mo talks with her? Does she straighten her clothes in an effort to look presentable to the students? Does she mentally critique the actors that she is working with as they play their part?) The subtle kinds of actions often give us a better insight as to the character! And also dialogue. You gave us a little dialogue! You may consider giving us more.

Anyway! Hope this helps. Best of luck with your story!

Points: 240
Reviews: 100

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Sat Feb 23, 2013 8:50 am

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Mo says...

Yay I'm in a story I feel so special lol <3
I like I think it's fun

[ Edit ]

Points: 748
Reviews: 51

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Sat Feb 23, 2013 6:11 am

Glauke wrote a review...

Aww This is nice, it made me laugh.
I'm an actress myself, actually, so I kind of related to this.

I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors, good job on that. The writing is very unique and the story is cute, and you do a great job with developing the characters and helping the reader understand them and their thoughts. This is really quite a feat, considering how short your story is! I think this story is really lovely. Great job.

Let me know if you need anything else reviewed.

x Penny

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Last Stage

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