(( I'm not a poet, so all help is very much appreciated. Enjoy! ))
I feel happy, at last
amongst these faces
that share in the day
I don't need to know your past
because the present's right here
and you're right here with me...
I want to start again
somewhere far away from here.
I would be better off,
be miles ahead and
he'd still be by my side;
but yet
the air that swarms around
spreads the smoke fluttering abound
and I find I'm at peace
These faces ease my breath;
I'm at rock bottom and
I'm able to smile, at least for now
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey tronks, Laure here to review! This poem, though simple really touches my heart. It creates a really gentle, melancholy but at the same time, positive atmosphere. The imagery and also quite good, but there is just a few nitpicks. So let's get down to it!
This is a very plain opening stanza, however is effective. Giving the readers an insight to how you feel, I like how the poem starts off positively.
I think this is my favourite line besides the ending line in the whole poem, purely because the imagery you've created here is breath-taking.
some stylish suggestions:I get that you're not familiar with poetry yet, but there is some sentences that doesn't quite flow right here. And I think Hannah pretty much said all I have to say. I think you could use some better words in some of these sentences, so refer to the thesaurus! However, these are small things I think you have potential in you so keep on writing!
Ah, what a beautiful ending, it really sums up to whole poem. Lovely poem you've written here, best of luck in your future writings! And if you ever need someone to look at your works, just give me a message! Hope I helped!
-Laure
Wow. I adore the last two lines of this. Really breath taking. Honestly.
I don't know if you had a reason to do this, but in the beginning you speak to the person beside you directly, using the word you. Then later, you seem to have the same subject in mind, but you say he, no longer a direct address. That change in voice threw me a bit. That is my only question. Overall I think this is absolutely LOVELY.
Girl! Leave out the authors note. Present your poem to us and let us decide whether we'd trust you as a poet or not. Don't sell YOURSELF to us. Sell us your poem, and by that I mean let us read it, because that's all that matters, really, in art at this stage.
I think I see some of the emotion you're writing from and trying to get at, but your words are too vague to really let me into what you're feeling. Have you heard, yet, the famed advice of "show, don't tell"? It's useful, especially in this case, because you're telling me a lot of things, but I don't feel or see any of them. You might as well just be talking to a friend, writing down a rant in a blog if you don't try to dig into the emotion.
I mean, I know you tried. Your effort is obvious. I also have to say that "fluttering smoke" is a pretty strong image, but it's not tied to anything.
What images do you see that are associated with happiness for you? Build the scene, if you see this in a scene. Build, no matter what, the tone of happiness by using specific words that evoke the feeling! "Swarms" is a nasty, dark word, but you're trying to say you're at peace. Keep every word in the poem consistent with where you're going, unless you want to depart intentionally.
Similes and metaphors, too, are useful, because they take something only YOU know what it feels like and compare it to things that a bunch of other people know. In this way, we can get access to your feelings through the comparisons, even if we've never felt the emotion you describe.
Read more and push further! You can do it. Keep writing. You'll be a poet yet.
PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions.
Good luck.
Thank you, mate!!
I'll be sure to PM you for future revisions
This poem is not to bad but it is very very good.